I used alcohol to help me cope and refused kids so my marriage is over!

by Witness 007 11 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Witness 007

  Me and my wife married as two dumb young Pioneers who don't know any better. She is European and very very highly strung. So argueing was often. We had little in common but the truth. Now nothing. She would always take matters into her own hands, and I provided well for her working hard {after not Pioneering} and together we paid off a house. Finance was excellent and she gets what she wants as long as she doesn't nagg and complain as per normal. She wants kids but I am in dread of having a baby and putting up with her nagging agressive nature and having a child on top, so I always put it off, at 36 we made some attempts but it was half hearted on my part and I tried to always be busy. Also I drank booze {and watched movies with her alot] so that I could cope with her headstrong and rude ways and I reverted away from her.

  I DO want out of this marriage but I love her dearly too, torn apart. I just find it hard. When she was ill with a back injury I nursed her like a baby back to health. She said thanks so much....however since this she seems pissed off at the world and me....she knows that time is ticking for her.

  After leaving the Witnesses I just need some time alone to get myself together.
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  penny2

  (((007))) It sounds like deep down you realise what you are going through is for the best in the long term. But you have to go through the pain in the meantime. You sound like a caring and loving person. I hope you get strength from people here who have been through similar. Hope you've got some real life support as well - there's nothing like a hug from someone who cares about you.

  penny
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  nomoreguilt

  This is a very serious matter. I enjoy being able to talk one on one with folks about this subject. It's necessary to look deep into the basis of your relationship with your wife. You were young no doubt when you married. She , being a foreigner, had a differant culture than you ,which you overlooked. You were both very idealistic and impressionable about the truth. You no doubt had goals to start out with, and then you fell into a RUT. Sound familiar?

  I, too had a similar circumstance with my EX. We were ignorant of our diferances in culture, didn't realize how much we DIDN"T have in common. We had 2 children at a young age, raised them to be jw's and then when they were teenagers realized that the onlt thing that we had in common were our children. We stayed together for all the WRONG reasons. Opportunity presented itself, my indescretion, and we divorced. We should have done tears sooner.

  My advice, IMHO, don't get her pregnant, reconsider the true basis of your relationship . Have a heart to heart talk with her, be kind, but TRUTHFUL! Allow HER to come to the same realization that you have, and that although you love her, there isn't much left to continue building your relationship on. Having children will NOT salvage your marriage, but will only weigh upon the burden that you two of you already carry.

  Good Luck

  NMG
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  Satanus

  Sounds to me like it's so over. Even if she's agreeable, it's still a good idea to have a lawyer on hand, so you don't get led into a situation where you get screwed. Jewish female would be best. You were wise in deciding to not have kids. You will find somebody that you feel better w.
  
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  sweetstuff

  Sounds to me like it's so over. Even if she's agreeable, it's still a good idea to have a lawyer on hand, so you don't get led into a situation where you get screwed. Jewish female would be best. You were wise in deciding to not have kids. You will find somebody that you feel better w.
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  Satanus

  Sounds like you did your best to love her. But, the fact that you needed booze to cope is a big give away that she was a poor match for you (provided that she was the source of the pain that made you wanna drink). Once you get out of this, your pain level will go down rapidly.
  
  S
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  StAnn

  As someone who has been divorced and as someone who is now remarried: have you tried marriage counseling? It's worked for my husband and I. I doubt it would have worked with my ex- but I wish we had tried.

  StAnn
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  burningbridges

  007, so it sounds like she's still "in"? Then hell no!!! GOod for you knowing what your doing!!!! It's one thing to feel sorry for your wife for having an ache for a baby, but its a whole other thing to watch your child get tossed from home to home (moms to dads) because they split and couldn't handle it. My husbands and I biggest crack came after our daughters first christmas, holy shit you never how those things are going to effect you until its THERE, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but relatives did, and he made a huge issue out of beiung sooooo strict and it was just awful. Torn down the middle, and all for a child. Your right though, her clock is ticking, and if its not with you, then get out. On the other hand, if she's out now, it might be a great way to keep her busy and get her to see the lighter side of life again. Having a child CAN make you feel like a kid again (or an uptight control bitch iwth sanitizer in every car, pocket and purse)
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  Finally-Free

  Even if she's agreeable, it's still a good idea to have a lawyer on hand, so you don't get led into a situation where you get screwed.

  Getting a lawyer is so important, even if she's agreeable. In my own case, our house was sold 4 1/2 months after we separated. Since we didn't have a separation agreement by that time, the money we got for the house sat in the real estate lawyer's trust account for a further 6 months. Neither of us could touch a cent of that money until the separation agreement was completed.

  It's not always the ex that screws you. Sometimes it's just the red tape.

  W
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  sweetstuff

  Maybe this was something that would happen even if you had both remained wits. Sounds like you weren't well matched and had very little in the way of communication and enjoyment of each other. Sometimes what's broken can't be fixed and instead of wasting time and energy on something that will never work, move on and heal. It takes two people in a marriage to make it work and both have to sincerely want to work at it, daily. If that's not the case, cut your losses, steer clear of the booze and find what does make you happy.

  Whatever you do though, don't rush into another relationship, the death of a marriage is just that, a death. You need to heal before you can offer anything worthwhile to another relationship. On the kids thing...having kids is one of the best things in life IMO, however, it does tie you to someone for the rest of your life, like it or not. So, if you weren't happy and worried how neurotic she might be as a mother, you've saved yourself alot of heartache, but not having children, period, you are also missing out on the greatest love and joy life has to offer. IMO