As a counterpoint, consider:
"The Nurture Assumption" by Judith Rich Harris
NECESSARY LOSSES
by compound complex 37 Replies latest jw friends
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compound complex
Thank you, dear fellow-JWDers, for your personal experiences, links and clarifying comments on the science of psychology.
Gratefully,
Compound-Complex
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milligal
Thanks for the thought provoking thread!
I just wanted to add one little last thought: we have all gone through so much (the people on this forum) I think we put our experiences into terms that we can understand and come to peace with.
I defeinitely agree that how many of us were raised contributes to how hard it is to get on with things, but I hope that the message is heard that what has happened to us does not HAVE to define us. We have the ability to move beyond it even if it is very challenging. Best wishes everyone.
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compound complex
Chapter 8 Summary and Analysis
The limitations imposed on us due to our sexes are another one of Viorst's "necessary losses." Parents have different responses to boys and girls. Freud felt women see themselves as defective boys and as such, tend toward low self-esteem and character defects, while modern science says that mammals start out female. Although there are many unanswered questions about the innate differences between the sexes, four have been established. "That girls have greater verbal ability. That boys have greater math ability. That boys excel in visual-spatial ability. And that verbally and physically, boys are more aggressive." Of these, only male aggression and visual spatial ability have any basis in scientific fact, and some even question that.
Viorst goes into great detail about the Cinderella Complex, coined by Collette Dowling, which says that.....
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restrangled
CC:
A wonderful subject.
After raising two boys... I have to comment on several things. Sexual tension between a mother and a child strikes me as obscene. When my first son was born, he arrived kicking and screaming. He didn't stop until he was about a year old. I breast fed him around the clock and it was the only thing that calmed him down. The connection between us when he nursed was calming to both of us. When I would hear him cry the milk would start leaking before I could get to him. It was all nurture and absolute love. He did not quit until he was 2 1/2.
When my second son was born 3 years after my first, he was a very calm little fellow. When they gave him to me after he was born, he immediately stopped crying....instantly. At 8 months, he decided he was done nursing.
I was an around the clock emotionally, mentally, and physically involved mom with both boys. I considered this the most important job in the world and had the luxury of being able to do it full time....many moms are not able to.
What I have discovered since now are both in their 20's is that each child has needs different from the next from day one. As parents we try to meet those needs and do not always succeed in every area. Everyone eventually adapts and separation is a part of growing. 2 year olds throw tantrums (but still need support), teenagers rebel( but still need support), 20 year olds call and ask for advice (and sometimes need financial support) and I still call my own mom at 49 years old for her input on certain things and support. The bond is always there.
The separation tactics the witnesses try to impose between parent and child (shunning) is foul and against the natural order of the human race!
By the way, I can hardly wait to learn more from grandkids!
r.
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compound complex
Thank you, r., for your heartfelt post. It reminds me of the genuinely good moments enjoyed as a family man.
Love,
CoCo
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compound complex
Chapter 9 Summary and Analysis
Guilt slows humans down and deprives us of certain satisfactions. We develop a superego around age five and, until then, we only want what we want. Guilt could be fear of the loss of our own love. While our parents help create our early conscience and others also influence it over time, it is really a result of our "primal struggles with lawless passions and is born of our inner submission to human law." If we do not behave in accordance with our conscience, it will punish and impose guilt on us, which is how we eventually resolve the oedipal complex.
Guilt can be unreasonable, and at times cannot discriminate between bad thoughts and bad deeds. Suffering over bad deeds and excessive punishment may rest on the illusion that we.....
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compound complex
Chapter 10 Summary and Analysis
The age of latency, according to Freud, is age seven to ten, is when we acquire social competence, which helps us separate from our parents. It is difficult to make the break if we are riddled with fear, anger, and a harsh conscience, but it is in this stage that we learn our parents are not perfect. We begin to learn through others and feel more in control, mastering certain tasks and developing what Erikson calls a "sense of industry." Non-family group membership helps develop our sense of identity. It is at this age that an adult, other than a parent, might influence a child, and when we develop a clearer sense of reality in our play. This is a good time of life because we own our identity and.....
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compound complex
Chapter 11 Summary and Analysis
Our fantasies, although usually fulfilling childhood-based needs, can often turn ugly. We sometimes fear that our fantasies have power to control events, and that our thoughts can be harmful. Viorst feels this idea of the power of thoughts belongs to a stage that we all go through and never quite leave. We also perceive that there are cosmic lessons provided to us to remind us of what we wish and do not wish to be. However, Viorst feels that our fantasies express "what, in actual life, we have civilized, harnessed, transformed and tamed." Of course, fantasies can dominate the unhealthy mind, but most people feel if we can express our fantasies and acknowledge that they are harmless, we will find "release and relief."
Sleeping dreams are part of our unconscious.....
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compound complex
Chapter 12 Summary and Analysis
Growing up involves giving up the illusion that friendship is infallible. Perhaps more important than being a friend in times of adversity is being one in times of joy. Some of the competitive, sub-conscious ill wishes we have for friends come from childhood and family experiences. Viorst describes a petty aspect of the personality that, perhaps, not everyone has, which is biting and jealously ambivalent toward our friends. As expected, she addresses the idea that we may have unconscious sexual thoughts toward friends that affect our relationships and are masked as concern, devotion and affection, which is more easily displayed by women to one another than by men.
Viorst contends that there is sexual element in all physical impulses, such as the urge to hug a friend. These feelings do not necessarily.....