NEED ADVICE opinions wanted.

burningbridges

Ok, I need advice, I put this originally under a different thread but definitely not angled the right way.... opinions wanted!!!!!!

I really want to have another baby right now, but I'm going through a divorce.

The guy I'm with right now is great (been with him eight months ok, stop, don't judge, listen to the whole story!!!) I honestly should have been with HIM the whole time, never my first husband. Erik, my current boyfriend, has been after me since kindergarten, no joke. He proposed to me about three times before I ever married my current husband but I told him no every time because first we were too young then i got messed up with the witnesses and didnt want to marry "out of the truth" even though he couldn't have cared less. I am his total dream girl, he has based every girl he has ever been with on me. Well he signed up for the Navy and left broken hearted and I married my current husband, a witness. (Erik did come home on leave once and begged me to come back with him even. obviously i said no) Well he never forgot me and I never forgot him.

When things with my hubby and I turned sour I really realized how stupid I was that I turned this awesome guy down just becasue he wasnt a witness. But, now were together, and very happy. I have a daughter thats almost three, and I KNOW for a fact that I want more kids, no doubt about it. I had wanted my kids very close in age too, i'm already freaking out because even if i got pregnant NOW it would be almost a four year difference. Erik wants children very badly also. The question is, do we have enough of a foundation to know that we can start OUR family and not have to wait on my divorce? (custody battle, it could take years) if we wait for it to be conventional, marriage first, ext it could honestly be YEARS before we can start ours. But at the same time, are we rushing things only being together "technically" for eight months? (with our history, it seems like years in the making and that it has FINALLY come together)

I don't know if I should wait or not, i really don't want to but theres always an uncertainty to things... . we both want it but theres so many outside factors....

burningbridges

ok a very good question was pm'ed to me, and that was how much time am i committing to my daughter with a divorce and a new guy involved, good question, motivated out of concern, thank you, and the answer, TONS. They actually are not allowed to see each other, says me. I refuse to let him interupt "our" time because it is so precious. They have met a few times and know each other but they never hang out, I just will not tolerate it, not after eight months. I took a parenting class for divorcing parents (cause i wanted to to be a better parent i was not told to) and they recommended a year before significant others are allowed in thier lives. I'm going to go by that,

VoidEater

Will having a child out of wedlock while living together with a "new" man (or not) - will this hurt or help your custody battle?

startingovernow

That's a tough situation. And while I am hestitant to offer advice because I equate it with telling someone what to do, I'll say this - If you want your children to be close in age and yet have not had your daughter spend time with your potential husband, wouldn't it be a tough adjustment for her to have both a new father and a baby sibling in such a short time span. How would she deal with his natural affection and gaga-ing over his birth child while possibly disciplining her/getting used to/ frustrated with her behaviors? Your husband is still JW? - then you might be faced with his attempts to alienate your daughter from you and that's going to add even more challenges to your new marriage. Anyway, I hope you have plenty of support, both professional (more family classes/therapy) and I hope the new (but old) guy's family is a loving family to you.

BIG D

wait til divorce over, adding fuel to the fire!

Not Feeling It

I'm sorry, I doubt you will get many opinions from the denizens of this site -- they're much too demure especially about baby-making topics. -- not birfin' it

DJK

Wait, you have plenty of time on your biological clock. If your new man is still there when the time is better, it will be worth the wait.

IreallydidwalkoutofaKH

Just a take...that is all this is....but at this point if 10 years from now, the worst thing that happened is that after having let's say 2 more children in your new mariage, 3 total....that your first born is 5 years older than Your first child in this new marriage to be.....you probobly would find yourself admitting that you came out pretty well..... Best wishes....childhood sweethearts are worth the trouble.....so I hope in the end you come out ahead on this!!!!!!!!

burningbridges

His family IS extremly supportive, they are actually around my daughter alot, especially his sister. Our kids have play dates constantly and I'm very blessed to have their supprt and love. Honestly, that's prob where some of the "baby" pressure is coming from!!!! They have known about Erik being absolutly and totally in love with me for years and now that were together their like "what are you waiting for?" your daughter needs a sibling!!! Its just a comment here and there, not tons of pressure, but with him wanting it too, plus my own heart wanting it, it adds to the fuel. Yes you are all right about many things and I appreciate the advice. Thank you very much. I have wondered many times about Erik showing more affection for his "real" child. He does have a huge problem with me not allowing him to be around my daughter though, he wants to be very bady but I'm taking the advice of the professionals over anything. He constantly says he wants to be in her life before she can "remember" him coming into it...

slmdf

Disclosure: I do not have kids.

Background: I was married for 12 years.

Opinion: When you have kids, everything changes. What you want is almost always in second place. In your post I heard you say things like, "I want", "he wants", etc. I didn't hear you say, "What I think will be best and most constructive for my daughter is..." I think whatever you would say after that sentence is your answer. Only you know the answer. Do whatever you know that sentence should say. No one ought to judge you either way. I didn't have kids cause I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted. So... what's best for your daughter?

Much love.

NEED ADVICE opinions wanted.

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