Your favotite Monty Python lones....

by dawg 52 Replies latest jw experiences

1914BS

My name is Mr smoke too much
>excuse me
I said my name is Mr smoke too much
>ah you better cut down a little then
Im sorry....
>you'd better cut down a little then (wink wink)
Oh thats very good, I've never heard that one before
1914BS

explain again how sheeps bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes
HAL9000

ARTHUR:
The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS:
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR:
Be quiet!
DENNIS:
Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR:
Shut up!
DENNIS:
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR:
Shut up, will you? Shut up!
DENNIS:
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR:
Shut up!
DENNIS:
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR:
Bloody peasant!
DENNIS:
Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
GentlyFeral

Fish Licence
Customer:
Hello, I would like to buy a fish license, please.
Shopkeeper:
A what?
Customer:
A license for my pet fish, Eric.
Shopkeeper:
How did you know my name was Eric?
Customer:
No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.
Shopkeeper:
What?
Customer:
He is...an...halibut.
Shopkeeper:
You've got a pet halibut?
Customer:
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
Shopkeeper:
You must be a looney.
Customer:
I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Shopkeeper:
Alright, alright, alright. A license.
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
For a fish.
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
You are a looney.
Customer:
Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, and I've got a license for me pet cat Eric...
Shopkeeper:
You don't need a license for your cat.
Customer:
I bleeding well do and I got one. He can't be called Eric without it--
Shopkeeper:
There's no such thing as a bloody cat license.
Customer:
Yes there is!
Shopkeeper:
Isn't!
Customer:
Is!
Shopkeeper:
Isn't!
Customer:
I bleeding got one, look! What's that then?
Shopkeeper:
This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon.
Customer:
The man didn't have the right form.
Shopkeeper:
What man?
Customer:
The man from the cat detector van.
Shopkeeper:
The looney detector van, you mean.
Customer:
Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.
Shopkeeper:
What cat detector van?
Customer:
The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
Shopkeeper:
Housinge?
Customer:
It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards! And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
Shopkeeper:
How much did you pay for this?
Customer:
Sixty quid, and eight for the fruit-bat.
Shopkeeper:
What fruit-bat?
Customer:
Eric the fruit-bat.
Shopkeeper:
Are all your pets called Eric?
Customer:
There's nothing so odd about that: Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul!
Shopkeeper:
No he didn't!
Customer:
Did!
Shopkeeper:
Didn't!
Customer:
Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Shopkeeper:
Oh, all right.
Customer:
Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
Shopkeeper:
I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
Customer:
In that case, give me a bee license.
Shopkeeper:
A license for your pet bee?
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
Called Eric? Eric the Bee?
Customer:
No.
Shopkeeper:
No?
Customer:
No, Eric the Half-Bee. He had an accident.
Shopkeeper:
You're off your chump.
Customer:
Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the Half-Bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader!.......
A one... two.... A one.. two.. three..four...
[piano intro]
Half a bee, philosophically, must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee
has got to be,
vis a vis
its entity - do you see?
But can a bee
be said to be
or not to be
an entire bee
when half the bee
is not a bee
due to some ancient injury?
Singing...
La dee dee, 1 2 3,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.
Is this wretched demi-bee,
half asleep upon my knee,
some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee.
Fiddle dee dum,
Fiddle dee dee,
Eric the half bee.
Ho ho ho,
Tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.
I love this hive employee-ee-ee
[with buzzing in background]
bisected accidentally
one summer afternoon by me
I love him carnally.
He loves him carnally... [together]
...semi-carnally
[spoken]
The end
'Cyril Connelly?'
No! 'Semi-carnally'
Oh!
Mary

Where'd ya get those coconuts?!
I 'ave a gud vrend called Biggus Dickus!
What have the Romans ever done for us??!!
What star sign is he?
Uh, Capricorn.
Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews.

And that's Capricorn, is it?
GentlyFeral

Standing on the doorstep is a man with a Nordic accent in female national costume. He has a tray labeled 'Icelandic Honey Week'
Man: A strong hive of bees contains approximately 75,000 bees. Each honey bee must make 154 trips to collect one teaspoon of honey. Hello, sir.
Dad: What do you want?
Man: Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?
Mother: What you doing in here?
Man: Which would you like, the Californian Orange Blossom, the Mexican, the New Zealand, or the Scottish Heather?
Mother: He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.
Man: Come on, please try some.
Dad: All right I'll have some Icelandic Honey.
Man: No, there is no such thing.
Dad: You mean you don't make any honey at all?
Man: No, no, we must import it all. Every bally drop. We are a gloomy people. It's so crikey cold and dark up there, and only fish to eat. Fish and imported honey. Oh strewth!
Mother: Well why do you have a week?
Man: Listen Buster! In Reykyavik it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off and there's only golly fish to eat. Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantities. Look at this - it's all a mistake. It's a real pain in the sphincter! Icelandic Honey Week? My Life!
Mother: Well why do you come in here trying to flog the stuff, then?
Man: Listen Cowboy. I got a job to do. It's a stupid, pointless job but at least it keeps me away from Iceland, all right? The leg of the worker bee has...
They slam the door on him.
AuldSoul

Plague Cart Caller: Who's that then?
Customer: I don't know.
Plague Cart Caller: Must be a king.
Customer: Why?
Plague Cart Caller: He hasn't got shit all over him.
HAL9000

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day.

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea

Mounties:
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea.

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.

Mounties:
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?!

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!!

Mounties:
I cut down trees, I wear high heels?!
Suspenders...and a bra?!...

Just the Lumberjack:
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!!
HAL9000

Sorry....how could one forget this??
Bruces' Philosophers Song
also known as
The Philosophers' Drinking Song
(from the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolloomooloo)
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, [some versions have 'Schopenhauer and Hegel']
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
GentlyFeral
And finally:
- The Four Yorkshiremen (at YouTube)
- Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook
- The All-England Summarize Proust Competition (YouTube)
- A Theory on Brontosauruses by Anne Elk (YouTube)
- The Flying Sheep
- "The larch." (With Spanish subtitles, yet!)

Your favotite Monty Python lones....

Fish Licence

Bruces' Philosophers Song

The Philosophers' Drinking Song

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