Funny Email I Received: Dear Red States (page 2)

Deputy Dog

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war

Be ready for us to come and take what ever we want, since you won't fight, you won't have anything very long. And we will go to war for any worthwile righteous cause.

Deputy Dog

If you leave, remember, you have to keep New Jersey, we won't take it back.

Robdar

Dear Distant Blue State Cousins.....
We have been expecting this for sometime.
We bid you farewell and Godspeed in your journey.
While your actions affirm our suspicions of yall harboring elitest liberal tendencies we want you to know we will pray for your salvation and do not plan on shunning you as you are shunning us.
Oh and when you come to your senses......the backporch light is on and there is some pecan pie and peach cobbler next to jug of sweet tea in fridge.
Love........ the Red States

Hehheheeee.

Yknot, I just love your smart ass

Tuesday

Blue states are leaving?
Have fun with the weed, you are going to need it. We get nearly all the food and energy production. You starve and freeze.
In fact, the places in your states that make these things are your "red areas", you guys basically only keep the big cities if we go on a per county basis.
We keep the balmy southern weather too.
BTS
PS Oh, and we keep the best beaches, Florida rocks.

I would say that the midwest wouldn't have all the energy production if the blue states suceeded. I'm fairly sure the blue state motto wouldn't be "drill baby drill". You can process all that oil and suffer the high prices while you're at it. The Northeast is also well equipped to do plenty of production including food and industrial. So if we will enjoy our weed because we'll starve and freeze to death, hope y'all enjoy not having any clothes or cars that were manufactured in the blue states. You can ride horses.

I actually do feel it would be better if we decentralized government more and increased state's rights. Which is what the "red states" supposedly are voting for when they vote republican. But they continue to vote in order to stop abortion laws nation-wide and vote to ban stem-cell research nation-wide, etc. If we made this stuff a state issue and not an issue for the federal government I don't think there would be as much seperation as the country has right now. If you don't like gay marriage, move down south where I'm sure it will be banned...but you also won't be able to buy liquor on Sunday either.

Florida does have nice beaches, so does South Carolina, but then again so does Cape Cod, and where I'm from Rhode Island. Red and Blue states have their benefits, the blue states just have a thing called social freedom and a positive view of scientific progress.

yknot

California is the agriculture capital of of the world.

Crops are dependent on water and California isn't rich in such natural resources.

http://www.cfbf.com/agalert/AgAlertStory.cfm?ID=1070&ck=DC58E3A306451C9D670ADCD37004F48F

California also derives most of it's electricity from out of state/country providers. (Remember the website that allowed Californians to black-out Austin & Enron)

I am not saying yall couldn't kick desalination & ocean current energy development into high gear but there would be a lot of sufffering before it became viable.....

And isn't secession of the blue states funny when you consider they were critical of Alaska's First Dude being of a secessionist?

beksbks

Ummm I thought the whole thing was rather funny, I was just giving Burn some heck.

You can still keep your catfish.

Robdar

I love you guys. Always informative and sometimes downright humorous. Let's all move to Utah and get hitched.

purplesofa

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health
care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

yep thats Arkansas!!! I've been trying to get out of here......promise!!!

TopHat

Dear Blue States: Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

Sincerely,

The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.

free2beme

Um ... you would get Portland ... the rest of Oregon is Red. Northern California is red too, and plenty of water ... they would pretty much tell you to f yourself too. Oh, Eastern blue state Washington ... your toast there too. Plus, the red states have a lot of ARMED red state people who believe in the right to have weapons. So we will just kick your liberal peace loving asses, while you smoke pot ... and get what we want too. State of Jefferson, all the way! LOL

Funny Email I Received: Dear Red States

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