If you were DFd: How did you feel at first? (for my book project)

Awakened at Gilead

I am starting to write a book about survival/recovery for exJWs or questioning JWs... I hope to have an impact on the JW community.

In my first chapter, I discuss the negative effects of DFing and shunning. The WTS presents DFing in a positive light and indicates that JWs should feel no compassion for those that have turned their back on Jehovah. I would like to collect some of your experiences about how you felt when you were DFd. What negative emotions did you feel? How did your friends/family treat you?

If I will actually use your quote in my chapter, I will PM you for final approval.

Thanks

Lance

StAnn

My mother is a Dub. My father is not. My mother told me that it was a matter of loyalty to Jehovah, so I could not call my parents' home or ever come over there again. She said I could write to my father but that she never wanted to see me again.

Every year on my birthday, my mother used to call me and tell me about the day I was born. On my 25th birthday, since I was DF'd, I did not get a phone call. It broke my heart and I cried for three days. Friends gave me a cake and some gifts but it didn't really matter, since I knew that my own mother, who had been my best friend, didn't love me anymore.

Not long after I was DF'd, I stopped by to visit a cousin whom I rarely saw. She invited me to visit because she said that she had heard terrible things about me from my mother and my sister and some of my brothers. She said that she wanted to ask me herself if they were true because, knowing me like she did, she just couldn't believe them. I was broken hearted to find out that my JW relatives were lying about me to all of the JWs that knew me and to my relatives. I was also touched that my cousin wouldn't just accept the lies and asked me the details herself. I'll never forget that.

About a year after being DF'd, my dad invited me over for lunch. He had done this a few times, always when my mother was gone. I assumed my mother would be at the KH for the Sunday meeting. Much to my surprise, when I walked into their home, my mother was in the kitchen making lunch. After a few minutes, my dad went outside and left me alone with my mother. I asked her, "So, what's this all about? Why am I here when you're here?" She didn't look at me. She kept on preparing food and said, "Your father said that this is his house and you are his daughter. He said that you can come home if you want to and that if I don't like it, I can leave."

That was 19 years ago. To this day, my dad is my superhero and has my utmost love and respect. When the chips were down, he didn't abandon me, even though he disapproved of my conduct. I was his daughter, right or wrong, good or bad. At that moment, I saw clearly that Jehovah's Witnesses love conditionally and how my "worldly" father was the only one who showed true, unconditional love toward me. It was very difficult because that was the moment when it became clear to me that my mother just didn't love me and it broke my heart. That was the moment that I knew for sure that the JW's are a cult.

Thank God that my father does love me! The pain of knowing that your mother who carried you in her womb for nine months, who is supposed to love you no matter what, hates you because you have chosen a different belief system than hers, never goes away. Not if you really love your mother unconditionally, as I do.

Serena

tenyearsafter

I was DF'ed in '96 and have never really looked back. At first I felt a bit disconnected having been raised in the "truth". I had finally come to the realization that I had been living a charade for 30+ years and was trapped in an extremely conditional marriage. Most of my family is still in, but that had very little impact on making my decision. Neither of my children are "in" and their relationship with their mother is almost non-existent. My mother still "defies" the Society by talking to me and seeing me. My brother and I see and talk to each other regularly under the guise of "family business". I don't really give my former JW friends much thought...they vanished into the wind as soon as I was announced. I do find it interesting that some JW's still will communicate with me if it is to their advantage, ie: for money or business opportunities. I would say the bottom line is that the DF process and aftermath was pretty non-traumatic for me...I just didn't let it affect my life significantly. I now have a fabulous new wife, a great relationship with my kids and have enjoyed life since the "event"...despite what the Society would like everyone to believe happens to evil, unrepentant outcasts!

asilentone

Welcome to the board, tenyearsafter!

tenyearsafter

Thanks asilentone...I have been "lurking" for a while, so I thought it was time for comment!

Awakened at Gilead

Thanks Serena and 10yrsafter!

passwordprotected

I wasn't DFd, I DAd, but the after-effects are exactly the same.

When I look pragmatically at the doctrine of shunning, it angers me that if the WTS were to publish an article in the WT tomorrow stating that, actually, it's more Christ-like and loving to have some fellowship with DFd/DAd relatives (much like what was published in '74) then my family members, my wife's family members, Serena's mum etc etc, would all suddenly feel ok about talking to us.

So, I get angry at the proclamation of only doing what the Bible/God requires, when in actual fact it's nothing to do with the Bible, it's to do with what a publishing corporation wishes it's followers to do...at this moment in time.

Also, when you choose to leave the WTS and live a new life and worship God according to your own Bible-trained conscience, you're DAd. You are then treated the same way as an unrepentant fornicator. That's hurtful because it's implied that you're an unrepentant wrongdoer (by WTS) standards.

My wife was shunned by her sister last week in the supermarket. She said that you could very easily spiral into a depression believing yourself to be one of the most horrible persons on the planet, someone completely unworthy of love, someone who doesn't even deserve life.

I know of 2 DFd individuals locally who still believe the WTS are the true religion and as a result are borderline suicidal due to being cut off from God's love and being shunned by their families.

That's not very nice.

boyzone

I DA'd because I felt lied to and betrayed. I truly expected to be shunned but not to the extent I was and certainly not by the people closest to me.. I had been a very active and, dare I say it, popular witness for 21 years and I had lots of friends in several local congregations. I didn't expect every friend I had to shun me without exception, I honestly thought that the witnesses would see such an action wasn't necessary in my case as I wasn't doing anything immoral. How naive of me!

Their subsequent treatment of me got worse with gossipping behind my back and deliberately coming into my place of work knowing their shunning would upset me (they could have gone numerous places for their coffee, but they chose to come where I work.)

I have felt absolutely devasted by their treatment, a real disappointment in the way they've behaved. The tears have fallen so many times I've lost count. Not one of them has approached me to ask why I DA'd or to ask after the health of my witness mum who's fighting cancer.

When my mum was in hospital having the tumor removed, a sister I used to pioneer with turned her back on me as I walked down the school driveway. This totally destroyed me, Her actions that day hurt so much I couldn't breathe. Even now, 6 months on, I still feel a stabbing pain in my heart when I think of that day.

I'm now in councilling and learning to deal with the hurt and pain, learning to be stronger and not let it get to me so much. I've come to realise that the friends I cherished at the Kingdom Hall were not friends at all, but should be pitied.

I thought better of them than they deserved and the emotional cost to me has been way too high.

shadow

*** it-1 p. 787 Expelling ***

One who was cast out as wicked, cut off entirely, would be considered worthy of death, though the Jews might not have the authority to execute such a one. Nevertheless, the form of cutting off they did employ was a very powerful weapon in the Jewish community.

seek2find

It's been several months now and it's slowly getting easier, but I wake up at night a lot and wonder what will happen when I die. Will they have a funeral for me? All my family are still very much in and no one is thinking of leaving that I know of. Some days things seem OK others I'm very angry. But I think God is helping me cope. My desire is to do his will and stand up for what is right, and I'll give you a hint, It doesn't have anything to do with JWs or the Watchtower Society, sorry family, I'm NEVER coming back. Jesus is LORD, seek2find

If you were DFd: How did you feel at first? (for my book project)

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