Tonight, as my husband was driving our daughter home from ballet lessons, she spoke up quietly from her booster seat in the rear of the car.
"Justin?"
"Yes, Leah?"
"My Dad told me that you're supposed to love Jehovah even more than you love your family."
"Oh, he did?"
"Yeah." her voice got even smaller than should be possible for one of only six years (this month) and she added, "That has to mean that he loves Jehovah even more than me."
"You tell Mommy about that when we get home, okay sweetheart?" he said, shaking his head with disgust. He knew that it would take both of us to tackle this development.
So that is just what she did.
She came into the room, head hanging, her little dark ponytail swinging in a little pouf on top. Usually she bounces in from dance lit from the inside. Tonight, she looked like her flame had been doused with a firehose.
"Mom, Dad told me that you're supposed to love Jehovah even more than your family."
"Oh? Is that so?"
"Yeah." her chin started to quiver. "That means he loves Him even more than me." she started to cry. I scooped her up and pulled her into my lap and said,
"Leah, do you think that God made parents to love anyone more than their own children? Does that make sense to you?"
"No, I don't get it. You should love your kids most."
"Well, that's what I believe too. I know that Dad thinks he's right to believe the way that he does. That he is following what God wants. But I believe that whatever God is, that it made me the way that I am, and that loving you the most is what "he" expects of me more than anything else. And I do, and nothing can change that. Now, go upstairs and get clothes and get ready for your shower."
I talked to my husband for a few minutes while she did her stuff, hearing about what happened in the car, and when I met her upstairs in the bathroom, she said "Mom, Know what I did while you were downstairs? I prayed to Jehovah."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I said to Him, "You know, Jehovah, I love you and I think everything you do is great, except this one thing. Why would you do such a thing?" (those are her words, verbatim. She sounded way too grown up :(
"Such a thing as what?"
"Tell parents to love him more than their children. Dad said that if I pray to Jehovah, He'll always help me. Maybe He'll change his mind."
"Remember, Dad doesn't know everything, and you know that I don't believe in the same thing he does so..."
"Dad says that you do what Satan wants." she inturrupted, truly troubled by the idea.
My stomach clenched. Damn him anyway. I reminded her that Dad doesn't know what I believe about God and so she shouldn't pay attention to all that. That I don't do anything on Satan's behalf, and that Dad has no business judging what I do.
Then I got down on my knees (and those of you who know me know what a monumental task that is, not to mention getting back up!) and held her by the shoulders and said;
"Sometimes, God uses people to answer prayers, Leah. So I'm telling you this, which is probably the only answer you're going to get. No matter what Dad does, Justin and I love you, just as you are, and there is no one in the Universe that we love as much as you. And I am always going to be there for you, no matter what happens. Count on it. No matter what Dad does."
It's so sad to know that already my daughter is finding out the limits to her father's "love". At least I am grateful that she will have a soft place to fall, back on my husband and I, when she realizes how "loving" JW standards really are.
~Esmeralda
(still lurking about)
