The Reason ex-JWs Don't Communicate Well With Others

by StAnn 36 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  flipper

  ST. ANN- I see the point you are making - but I think it's kind of a generalization to state that ALL Ex-JW's don't communicate well with others . I feel it depends on , not only being raised in the witnesses, but a person may have learned good communication skills from parents in their home environment being raised - even as a witness - like myself. My witness mom is a great conversationalist and knows how to communicate well with others. I've been told I got some of that skill from her, and I agree.

  So it not only could be a " witness thing " that makes it hard for people to communicate ; but it could be a " environmental thing " in that young people were not taught good communication skills from their parents - so they carry what they have learned , or not learned communcation wise into adulthood , thus resulting in problems for them. Just my take. So it could be how they were raised, not just the witness cult
• 

  ninja

  oomps...i think he will appreciate you reaching out to him mate
• 

  Jeremy C

  My experience was quite different. I began to dislike and let go of the JW sense of elitism a while before leaving the organization. In fact, it was the Watchtower's superiority complex that was one of the biggest factors in moving me to question the organization. I have had many people comment to me how nice and polite I am. My first "worldly" girlfriend told me that she had never met a guy who was as respectful to women as I was.

  However, I certainly do admit that I am very socially under-developed in many ways. It has been difficult to get close to people, and to relate to them on certain levels. Dating has been very difficult. Those born in the organization (as was I) learn many social characteristics that are unique to JWs and must be unlearned in order to function socially after leaving. The adjustment process is strenuous and takes persistence. The sense of being different from everyone else is a feeling that still persists.
• 

  choosing life

  When you have been a long time member of the million rule club you're mind is too cluttered to really communicate with others. You are way too busy doing mental gymnastics to apply all the rules properly.

  What does the society think about this? How can I make the "truth' appealing to this person? Am I givng the proper witness in the way I dress, act, talk, think?

  That's not communication, it's continuous self-examination to make sure you are making the grade. Letting go of the myriad of stipulations put on your life and realizing there is no us/them takes time away from the indoctrination sessions.

  When you realize that all persons have the same hopes/fears as you do, you can start to connect on a real human basis.
• 

  StAnn

  Oompa, I understand. My DS25 was DF'd for smoking at 17 and has been seriously damaged by the experience. I've felt terribly guilty about allowing him to be raised in the Borg. Now he has a nice girlfriend and a good job but, like your son~his roommate is an ex-JW! They understand eachother.

  However, I don't think it's necessarily wrong that most of his friends are ex-Dubs. For instance, I was raised on a farm and that's something that drew my husband and I to eachother, as he too was raised on a farm. We're just not city folk and we understand each other.

  Flipper, good point. I didn't mean to insinuate that all Dubs are disrespectful and can't communicate well. Some do very well, like you and Awakened at Gilead. But I've seen an awful lot of comments on this board about people who are socially immature/scarred as a result of being raised in the Borg, so I feel that many will understand my dilemma.

  StAnn
• 

  StAnn

  It has been difficult to get close to people, and to relate to them on certain levels.

  Jeremy, I've tried to discuss this with my Dad but he doesn't "get it." I'm one of six children. Three of my siblings are Dubs, three of us are out. My dad is not a Dub, except by association with my mother, which affects his mindset considerably. Anyway, he can't understand why his children don't come around him and visit him and have a strong sense of family. I've tried to explain to him that, being raised as Dubs, we had to try to distance ourselves from him emotionally because he was not a Dub and was going to be destroyed at Armageddon. We were taught to distance ourselves emotionally from all non-Dubs. Even when you're no longer a Dub, it's hard to learn how to embrace and be close to people because, even with the Dubs that you loved and cherished, you were trained to watch them with a suspicious eye and tattle on them if they did anything of which the WTS didn't approve and were taught to be prepared to switch off your heart if the person were, heaven forbid, DF'd. I feel Dubs are trained from birth to keep all good, strong emotions at arm's length. I guess I'm talking about the conditional love. But when you've been taught so well how to love conditionally, it's difficult to train yourself how to act differently.

  I know that I do love many people very deeply and very unconditionally but it's hard to overcome that hands off, stand back training I received for 25 years.

  Y'know, we need people like Lady Lee and other psychologists to come up with a handbook for ex-Dubs on how to retrain our brains so we can begin to understand proper, non-Borg behavior.

  StAnn
• 

  StAnn

  That's not communication, it's continuous self-examination to make sure you are making the grade.

  Choosing, excellent point. The knowledge that not everybody is judging you during every instance of your life is very liberating! Some people are actually just having a conversation with you!

  StAnn
• 

  Anti-Christ

  My experience also was very different then yours. I did not like the attitude the JW had towards non believers. I knew a lot of JW that were far worst then the "worldly" people they so much despised. I do not have any problem communicating with non JWs but I do and always did have a hard time communicating with JW. It's worst now that I am no longer a believer. When I am with my JW family and friends I feel awkward and don't know what to say to them. When they do talk to me it feels fake and forced.
• 

  StAnn

  Anti-Christ, NOW when I'm with Dubs, I have a very difficult time conversing meaningfully because their range of topics is so narrow. However, sad to say, when I was a Dub, I followed the party line as well as I could. I'm glad there are those of you who weren't sucked into the elitism. Gives me hope for some of the Dubs still in today.

  One of the things I enjoy about conversation now is that I don't have to constantly censor myself, i.e., when someone sneezes, I say, "God bless you," with no thought to whether or not it's proper.

  StAnn
• 

  Mandette

  I'm not complaining BUT I've had some of my dear friends tell me that I'm socially backwards due the way I was raised....I tend to think they're right. They say I've never learned how to date and be in other social situations.

  It's getting better(I think)........but to this day my 2 friends that were "in" with me are the only ones that truly understand the way we were raised and what we went through.

  M