The Reason ex-JWs Don't Communicate Well With Others

by StAnn 36 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Seeker4

  I have a buddy in Florida who has faded. He has struggled with relationships he said, partly because as a born in JW, he grew up feeling he had an answer for everything, and that attitude he continues to struggle with. People aren't too keen on someone who has an answer for everything.

  Snakes - glad to hear about the hat. I like it when people are willing to do something a little different to draw attention to themselves - partly because that was such a no-no when we were JWs.

  As I recently told my FL buddy - we were always into music and art and literature - that we were closet Bohemians and artists and had to stifle all that. Today he wears his hair long and in a ponytail and a very cool cowboy hat. He plays a lot of music now, and is a great photographer, and when he's shooting at some concert or festival, people ask for his autograph figuring he's got be famous and in one of the bands.

  Me, I always liked things a little out there, wore rings and bracelets as a JW and didn't put up with any shit about it when some self-righteous bro tried to make me feel guilty about it.

  This year I've let my hair grow long, I've lost 20 pounds and really muscled up, and when I want to dress like a musician or whatever, I do just what I want.

  It sucked to have all that fun and creativity suppressed for so long.

  S4
• 

  StAnn

  Seeker, that's what I admire about my DS25. He plays in a "stoner rock" band called Marijuana Johnson. Lets his hair grow long, dyes his hair various colors, shaves his head, whatever his mood is at that time. And I'm very proud of him because he's found himself and he's living his life the way HE wants to live it.

  About a year ago, he told me that he assumed I didn't approve of his lifestyle. I told him that, as a mother, of course I don't want my son dabbling in things, like too much alcohol, that are detrimental to his health. However, I pointed out to him that I'm Catholic and that he doesn't approve of that. However, his approval or lack thereof has absolutely no effect on how I live my life and my approval or disapproval should actually have no effect on how he lives his life. We've agreed to disagree on what constitutes a "good" life and that's fine with me, because we're not supposed to be cookie-cutter people. I'm proud of him for choosing to live a life that is meaningful to HIM.

  StAnn
• 

  Satanus

  Not giving a shit, and not being able to communicate well don't necessarily go together. There are lots of people, maybe the majority, who don't give a shit. Those who are able to communicate well generally get things their way. Many leaders are in that category.
  
  S
• 

  done4good

  Jeremy, I've tried to discuss this with my Dad but he doesn't "get it." I'm one of six children. Three of my siblings are Dubs, three of us are out. My dad is not a Dub, except by association with my mother, which affects his mindset considerably. Anyway, he can't understand why his children don't come around him and visit him and have a strong sense of family. I've tried to explain to him that, being raised as Dubs, we had to try to distance ourselves from him emotionally because he was not a Dub and was going to be destroyed at Armageddon. We were taught to distance ourselves emotionally from all non-Dubs. Even when you're no longer a Dub, it's hard to learn how to embrace and be close to people because, even with the Dubs that you loved and cherished, you were trained to watch them with a suspicious eye and tattle on them if they did anything of which the WTS didn't approve and were taught to be prepared to switch off your heart if the person were, heaven forbid, DF'd. I feel Dubs are trained from birth to keep all good, strong emotions at arm's length. I guess I'm talking about the conditional love. But when you've been taught so well how to love conditionally, it's difficult to train yourself how to act differently.

  Ouch!...But so true...

  Bastards!
• 

  shopaholic

  Anyway, he can't understand why his children don't come around him and visit him and have a strong sense of family. I've tried to explain to him that, being raised as Dubs, we had to try to distance ourselves from him emotionally because he was not a Dub and was going to be destroyed at Armageddon. We were taught to distance ourselves emotionally from all non-Dubs.

  StAnn, its the same thing with my father. My siblings treat him like he doesn't exist unless they need some money from him. I call him more often since I stop attending meetings and he really appreciates it. He asked why the others don't call, I told him that he should ask them.

  when I'm with Dubs, I have a very difficult time conversing meaningfully because their range of topics is so narrow.

  I find this to be true as well, even with family members. If you're not gossiping about folks in the congregation or repeating what was said on the platform or service car group (b'cuz most are word-of-mouth as many don't read their own materials) then there really isn't much to talk about because everything else is futile in their eyes.
• 

  BabaYaga

  St. Ann, great thread.
  
  In my life, it did not manifest itself as looking down on others or keeping them at an emotional arm's length. I found myself several years into adulthood with a failed marriage behind me, realizing that I NEVER APOLOGIZED. What a kick in the head. I could rationalize anything, and always had an answer for anything I did, no matter what it was or if it hurt someone, I felt justified. How horrible. I can't imagine being the poor souls who dealt with me in those years. You may rest assured that have apologized to them since.
  
  It took several more years to realize it was probably due largely to my JW up-bringing. As witnesses we were taught to have an answer for everything, and heaven knows the Faithful and Discreet Slave never apologized!
• 

  Steve_C

  Jeremy, I've tried to discuss this with my Dad but he doesn't "get it." I'm one of six children. Three of my siblings are Dubs, three of us are out. My dad is not a Dub, except by association with my mother, which affects his mindset considerably. Anyway, he can't understand why his children don't come around him and visit him and have a strong sense of family. I've tried to explain to him that, being raised as Dubs, we had to try to distance ourselves from him emotionally because he was not a Dub and was going to be destroyed at Armageddon. We were taught to distance ourselves emotionally from all non-Dubs. Even when you're no longer a Dub, it's hard to learn how to embrace and be close to people because, even with the Dubs that you loved and cherished, you were trained to watch them with a suspicious eye and tattle on them if they did anything of which the WTS didn't approve and were taught to be prepared to switch off your heart if the person were, heaven forbid, DF'd. I feel Dubs are trained from birth to keep all good, strong emotions at arm's length. I guess I'm talking about the conditional love. But when you've been taught so well how to love conditionally, it's difficult to train yourself how to act differently.

  Thank you StAnn; what you said just switched on a lightbulb in my struggle to understand myself. I'm a born-in, who finally left 9 years ago. I've never understood why it's been difficult for me to get very close emotionally to people, even relatives. This gives me a lot to ponder.
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  sass_my_frass

  I still have a lot of work to do on my superiority complex!
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  Devilsnok

  I can understand what the original poster said. Growing up in the truth you are taught to look down your nose at worldly people. Even "worldly" converts were to be mistrusted. I still have this kinda attitude 17 years after leaving. For some reason I bond with other ex jws a lot easier than I do with "worldly" people out here in the world. In fact my closest friends are ex-jws but they're not necessarily my best friends.. Strange. I wish I could change that behaviour.
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  Junction-Guy

  It is just the opposite for me, I can bond better with "worldly" people more than EX-JW's, especially those with similar backgrounds and culture.