Tonight my wife and I attended a Christmas play held at a local church.
It was really cute, 4-8 year olds recreating the whole Christ story, when suddenly this totally empty feeling hit me like a punch to the face. I realized how much we missed out with our own two kids by raising them as JW’s.
My wife and I celebrated holidays until out late teens, then got baptized as witnesses. Did the whole WT lifestyle for over thirty years.
Man, did we miss out on a lot of things, it was very hard for me to look at the faces of the parents, how proud and happy they were watching their children actually living, learning, and enjoying their religion. Highlights regarding religion for my kids seemed to be:
1) get stressed out 4 x’s a week getting ready for the meetings, and field service. Homework?? You better get it done before the meeting or else !!
2) practice over and over each TMS talk, instead of it being something to enjoy,, preparation always seemed to be focused on improving “counsel points” instead of actually learning, and enjoying the experience.
3) Hounding them to answer, they were shy and it was really hard for them.
( I’m sure this really turned them off regarding religion.)
Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of my college-age kids, and they are very moral persons who are doing well with their lives.
But the things we missed doing during their childhood because of our religion,, really breaks my heart now. This was our decision, but how twisted we were making our kids grow up missing so many things.
Any other people with an experience like this ??
Raising children as JW's
by lancelink 17 Replies latest jw friends
-
lancelink
-
musky
As long as your kids know that you love them and did your best with them, nothing else matters.
-
TheSilence
1) get stressed out 4 x’s a week getting ready for the meetings, and field service. Homework?? You better get it done before the meeting or else !!
Yep, I grew up like that.
2) practice over and over each TMS talk, instead of it being something to enjoy,, preparation always seemed to be focused on improving “counsel points” instead of actually learning, and enjoying the experience.
Hey, that, too!
3) Hounding them to answer, they were shy and it was really hard for them.
( I’m sure this really turned them off regarding religion.)Yes, siree... and you're right, it turned me off religion.
You know what else I remember?
1. We had a hat day at school (2nd grade) and there was a prize for 'most creative' hat. And while most kids parents went out and bought them hats to wear my dad asked me what kind of hat I would like. I wanted a cookie hat. So he worked with me to cut a circle out of cardboard. On that we pasted a layer of cottonballs. We covered that with nylon. We spray-painted it the color of a cookie. We glued hershey's kisses on top. We stapled a chin strap to the bottom. I won first prize.
2. My dad had a vacation coming up and gave us kids the right to choose anything around town we wanted to do each day and he followed through on it, no questions asked. We visited the zoo, botanical gardens, grant's farm, the science center, and other things of that nature.
3. I remember falling asleep listening to my dad play the piano and sing. It was safe to be wrapped in his music as I drifted off.
Did my dad make mistakes? Hell, yeah, what parent doesn't? But he did wonderful things for me as well. And as difficult as my relationship might be with him because he is still in this religion... I still love him, unconditionally. Despite any mistakes, despite any faults. Because he's my dad. And I know he loves me.
Don't beat yourself up over the lost opportunities. As many memories as you may have lost... there are others that you made. And there are still plenty of opportunities to make more memories. Enjoy them.
Jackie
-
WTWizard
I grew up in the world, and remember Christmas in the past. It meant having a few weeks with the place decorated, and the Christmas tree was so pretty (even with the few C9 bulbs instead of the fancier miniature lights). And i couldn't wait until Christmas got here--so I could play with the presents. In a sense, Christmas could last well into January, as we would invariably visit others and I would find out what they got for Christmas, and I usually enjoyed the toys long after they were opened.
I also remember one year, shortly after a move, where we explored the new region. We moved into a new region in the state (New Hampshire), and we spent the summer exploring central and southeastern New Hampshire and southern Maine, going to various attractions in that region. I believe there were something like 15 or 20 separate trips (maybe more, including Cub Scouts trips) between April and September of that year. And it was fun.
Children growing up as witlesses miss out on most of that. They always miss out on Christmas. They always miss out on the aftermath of Christmas, which can effectively extend the holiday into January or even February. None of their friends ever get anything for Christmas, either--it is as blah as any other time (for me, the aftermath lasted almost as long as the foreplay leading to and from the holiday itself, and the holiday could last from shortly before Halloween when we get the Wish Book up to mid February). The witlesses all miss out on that.
Children growing up as witlesses usually miss out on all the fun in summer, too. Instead of going to attractions, they go out in field circus. Had I been a witless, I doubt we would have had the time to go into various places in New Hampshire and southern Maine for recreation--and especially when the washtowels keep telling parents that a trip to an amusement park in Maine or an attraction in central New Hampshire is ungodly. I would have instead been dragged to a boring Grand Boasting Session that would have been another waste of my time. I think Palace Playland and Saco, Maine is better than a trip to the Grand Boasting Session anyways.
As are trips to Vermont in preparation for Christmas, the Wish Book, the shopping, the decoration--and playing with the toys I, and others, got for Christmas into February.
-
no more kool aid
That's exactly how I grew up. Maybe even a little worse parents were both pioneers. I just wanted to stay home and watch cartoons on Saturday morning ( remember before cable they were only on Saturday). Summer was filled with pre assembly work and going to different assemblies ( I just wanted to go to the pool and hang out like a normal kid). I tried to raise my kids in the truth a little more relaxed but you are so right it still was a tremendous amount of unnecessary pressure. I do feel that empty feeling when I think of the fun we could have had with 1st birthdays and stuff like that. But I am so grateful that we got the older one out before he was too entrenched or worse yet married to a witness. I look forward to a normal teen life and college for him, the things my husband and I never had.
-
sammielee24
Christmas to me is much more a family time than anything and so memories are linked to those things....cousins, aunts and uncles, eggnog for the adults, sneaking downstairs at Christmas to peek under the tree, the smell of turkey and pie, lots of music....all of those things create a unity and lasting memories for a lot of people. Christmas pageants when I made my sisters dress for her and then took all the pictures. That's what my husband missed out on being raised a witness. There were no special events to celebrate that would have brought family together and so he has no memories like that to draw on. His kids are witnesses and so it continues. The society tries to make sure that celebrations are evil and that in turn seems to make witnesses even more socially inadequate on many levels - that is unless of course, as we heard on last nights conference call, they decide that a celebration to welcome you 'back in' is appropriate.
Go figure, a celebration of your life is evil - but a celebration of your reinstatement is good - how very sad. sammieswife.
-
troubled mind
I know exactly how you feel . After raising our three sons as witnesses we faded three yrs ago .I drive school bus now and I see all the things our kids missed out on during the holidays .Visiting relatives that have Christmas trees filled with ornaments made from their children over the years ,all the traditions we missed building on .
I called my oldest son two years ago and apologized for raising them as witnesses ,but he said that he was just fine with his upbringing . He told me he was glad because of being a witness he stayed away from drugs and immorality .He felt he had a good childhood ,which made me feel better .
We shouldn't forget the other good memories we built with our children ,it wasn't all bad . Now I don't dwell on what we missed out on , but am determined to start now with new traditions and family memories .Hopefully our grandchildren will be very fortunate because of our past experiences . -
Scarred for life
.
Well, I'm going to give a viewpoint from someone who was raised as a JW from birth. I am now an adult with 3 children that I have raised mostly in the Methodist Church.
I very frequently get that empty feeling that hits me like a punch in the stomach when I let myself think about the traditions that I never experienced as a child. My only solace is that I have tried to do the best I can to make it different for my children and I have been able to build my own bank of holiday memories as an adult. I just have no childhood memories to remember.
Yes, you missed out on a lot by raising your children as JWs but I commend you for coming here and admitting it. My parents were never able to do that for me and my sister. They could never admit that they had screwed up and just plain made a mistake. The subject was never discussed even though my sister and I both asked my mother about it on separate occasions. She just wouldn't talk about it.
My parents were baptized as JWs right before they got married in their 20s. They stayed in this religionfor 25 years. I would appreciate it if anyone could give me any insight as to why 2 adults in their 20s were attracted to this religion and chose to raise their children in this anti-social, controlling cult. Both my parents are dead now and I'm still trying to understand. I think it bothers me the most around this time of year.
Living, learning and enjoying their religion. I like the way you put that. Yes, many people do. But I certainly never did as a JW. It was a nightmare. The 3 highlights that you mentioned were exactly the way I was raised. Quite frankly, I consider it mental abuse.
As far as turning us off of religion, yes, my sister wouldn't touch any kind of a religion with a ten-foot pole. She considers all religions to be just like the JWs. She doesn't know any better because she's never given another religion a chance.
Yes, my heart is broken too about the way I was raised. Yes, you raised your kids in a very twisted, abusive, mindless religion and you and your kids missed out on many things that could have bonded your family closer. I know because I was one of those kids.
Please tell me why you did this so that maybe I can have some understanding of my own deceased parents.
-
jamiebowers
There's still hope. Start your holiday traditions now, so you and your kids will be ready for their kids. When you become a grandparent you learn that MORE REALLY IS BETTER; whether it be time spent with little ones, celebratory dinners, birthdays, gifts, etc.
-
no more kool aid
Hey Scarred, since you cannot ask your parents what really attracted them to JW's at the time, would it help to re-frame things and just assume they did it because they were young parents, it made sense to them and they were concerned for their children's future. I know my heart was not in it for some time and we thought we were doing the kids a favor. But now we know. Who knows maybe they had doubts too, but didn't know what to do. Here's to grand kids we will have it figured out for them!