How stupid do I think I am?

by AK - Jeff 27 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    Such an experience can make one more compassionate to their fellowman, but depending on the type of person you are, it could also make ya meaner too. I try to be more understanding, but there is definately an anxiety that comes from lost time.

    The other thing is that we just can't live the past in the same head as we have today. I think the definition of fun might change somewhat as we age. I spent a lot of years indulging but it was more of a reaction than a studied exploration. As I have shut the world out for the last couple of years, I suspect I am processing my street years and then state of mind. I too have made some conclusions.

    The thing that gets me is, why now? What a waste. And there's still plenty to learn! I already knew at 28, that by my state of mind, at the time, it would be at least another 10 to 15 to get any peace.

    When you first leave home you may not know why on a conscious level. All your mind is saying is, I gotta get out of this toxic eviornment. And you do. It is only years later, do you become aware of why, on a consious level.

    A supportive family could have reduced that time in half. Positive affirmation, reduced guilt, reduced fear, acceptance, protection. ( Refering to being shunned) I think reading would have helped too, but my frame of mind was too low. Association? The last thing I needed was to be moulded by another religion. It's like bein in limbo for 25 years. No solid structure emotionally either.

    Would we have had the same spiritual dilema, if we were raised simple secular beings? I honestly don't think I would ever have sought a religious life if I wasn't born into it. I have always seen most values as common sense, and simple, but socially, I still feel I don't belong anywhere.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Thanx all for the nice comments.

    I honestly wrote that in a moment of melancholy. I have little bitterness toward the Jw's, if any. I have lost most of my bitterness toward the organization's leadership too in the five years since I left. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I live in the past [though the past is certainly a factor in my presence, and growing less in my future].

    Still, that said, I occasionally, like this afternoon, slip into a mental state of wonder about the whole thing. In some ways I have completely left Jwism and all it's paranoia, fruitless labor, and delusional constructs. At other times I am struck with the tremendous power that the past continues to wield.

    Still, I enjoy the ride. This run to freedom has become a stroll of extraordinary pleasure. I enjoy smelling the roses so much now. Likely I appreciate music and life at least as much as my never confined counters, probably more since these simple pleasures were locked off from me in a future 'real life' for so long.

    The silver lining is that life experience assures that I will not waste near as many droplets of life's dew as they trickle over my lips. I will not squander them in youthful folly, but will ravish them lustfully as they pass. I will laugh like a fool, and live like a pauper if it shall be, rather than a puppet of seeming prosperity, enslaved to the whims and wishes of elitist who would coral me into the masses. I will sneer contempt at those who seek to entrap my remaining moments on this gem, by holding out delusional dreams and calling them treasure. I will weep, smile, run and taste as a man condemned. I will cherish this precious commodity called life. I will drink it in, lap it, as one would lap at the fountains of youth, for each day is a gift that will unwrap itself in glory. Someday the gifts called days will end for me. Until then I will open each one as a wonderment as I march the highways of life.

    It is my wish that we all do so as we move to yet another year. Our trepidation is smashed. We do not fear some global destruction by a fierce and bloodletting God called Jehovah. We do not wait to live until some figment called Paradise shall arise. We do not rest our hopes on the idea that our time slips are tickets to everlasting bliss either in this realm or some other. We [I] have cast off such foolish shackles, and the sweet taste of freedom is not dependent on the timing. It is sweet no matter the clang of the chimes. One hour of freedom is to be cherished as much as a lifetime.

    I am so glad that my journey has taken me through this neighborhood. Greeting some of you as I have run this race has heartened me on to a glorious finish, no matter the late hour I heard the starter's cry.

    Happy New Year All

    Jeff

  • Tyrone van leyen
    Tyrone van leyen

    Amen! Thanks for the powerful words, Jeff. Good outlook for a new year man.

  • jimbo
    jimbo

    Almost ditto for me! Only I am 58 yrs young no matter what my body is telling me. After leaving JWism behind I started college. It has been great!

    Really when I am at school I don't feel my age. There, my peers are other college students and professors and very few of them are older than me. It often puzzles me that while at college I don,t feel my age.

    Some people jokingly ask me what I will be when I grow up. I say I haven't decided yet!

    I will let each day prove its own worth. Enjoy every new thing or even every old thing. One thing I learned on JWD is don't be afraid to say "I don't know the answer". It used to bother me not to have an answer for questions. Now it doesn't bother me to even say "I don't know what the future holds."

    "What will be will be."

    jimbo

  • SPAZnik
    SPAZnik

    "One hour of freedom is to be cherished as much as a lifetime." I like that.

  • Warlock
    Warlock

    Don't be too hard on yourself.

    Accept the reality of your past and how it affects you right now.

    That's all you can do.

    If you need help to deal with it, p.m. me anytime.

    Warlock

  • Witness 007
    Witness 007

    Feel the same mate....like that movie "Awakening" where Deniro comes out of a coma like state and starts enjoying life for the first time.

  • skeptic1914
    skeptic1914

    I'm not on here every day but I'm glad I caught this topic. Can relate to SO MUCH. BTW, you might find the book "Crazy for God" by Frank Schaeffer an interesting read, especially his comments at the end of the book on where his thinking is today.

    Skeptic1914

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