Jehovah ushers Satan into His presence.
Jehovah: "Listen Satan, the Thousand Year Reign is just about up, and according to the Bible, I've gotta let you go back to Earth and tempt the people, so you'd better go down and see what's happening before you get to work. Damn. I wished I had picked another book to endorse besides that Bible. It's gotten me and humans into all kinds of trouble."
Satan: I said you should have picked "Zen Comics" instead of the Bible, you know."
Jehovah: Point taken, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I've got to go on keeping my Bible-Based word. No one will respect a God who changes his mind on Holy Books. Now, get going.
So Satan takes to trip. Back to earth after an absence of 1,000 years. He has to disguise himself and not be recognized, so he wraps his tail around his waist, plops a Top Hat over his horns, ditches his pitchfork, shaves off his goatee and hides his bong in his vest pocket.
The first humans he encounters are picnicking in a beautiful meadow. The men are all wearing suits, white shirts and ties. The women are wearing long dresses buttoned up to the necks. The children are petting lions and whining.
Child: "Mom! Dad! I'm SICK of petting lions! Can't we do anything FUN?"
Dad: "Shut up, Johnny. If you don't, you know what will happen, don't you?"
Child: "Yes. I'll get stoned to death."
Dad: "That's right. Remember little Stevie? He was caught giving a lion a dead rabbit to eat and his parents had to stone him to death."
Child: "Ok. But it's just not fair. Why can't I play?"
Dad: "Playing is un-Theocratic, son."
Satan says: "Good morning, folks. I'm new to this area and one of the last ones to be resurrected and I noticed you are still studying the Bible. Is that really necessary since every prophecy in the Bible is pretty much fulfilled and people have reached perfection?"
Dad: "Yes, it is still necessary. The Governing Body is having all kinds of problems with people who complain about things here and who won't obey the Rules. This is true even though every offense is punishable by death. So we are constantly forced to read and reread the Old Testament. The New Testament was banned about 800 years ago as being unTheocratic."
Satan: "You mean every SERIOUS offense is punishable by death."
Dad: "No, I mean EVERY offense is punishable by death. Now that people are perfect, we're just like Adam and Eve. Screw up once, you're screwed. There is no Ransom to protect us anymore."
Satan: "I see. So what kind of rules are there now?"
Dad: "Fart in a Kingdom Hall, you're dead. Miss a meeting, you're dead. Don't pet lions, you're dead. Interrupt an elder for any reason, you're dead. Have sex without supervision and for the wrong reasons, you're dead."
Satan: "What do you mean by the last rule?"
Dad: "Well, since sex is only for procreation, we can only have sex to procreate. To ensure that this happens, all sex must be performed in the presence of a Judicial Committee and any sexual position or foreplay not approved by the Governing Body will result in death. By stoning. The Committee grades the sex on the "Publishers Sexual Report Card. 'G' is for Good, 'N' is for Need to Improve, and 'W' is for Weird. Anyone who gets a 'W' is stoned to death."
Satan: "How would one get a "need to improve'' grade.?"
Dad: "By making the sex last longer than 2 minutes. Ten 'N's" within 1,000 years and you're dead. If we can get it down to 45 seconds, we get a 'G', though".
Satan: "What must one do to get a "W" or 'Weird' grade?"
Dad: "Lots of things: moaning, calling out for God, saying "yes, YES, YES", and any position other than "missionary style" will all result in punishment. Every sexual act is recorded on video and put into the publisher's permanent record. Two 'W's" and you're dead."
Satan: "Wow. That's pretty intense. Are you happy living in Paradise?"
Dad: "Look, you aren't a spy, are you?"
Satan: "No. As I said, I was just resurrected."
Dad: "Well, I miss a lot of things. I haven't had a piece of steak or a slice of bacon in 1,000 years, and I miss it dearly. I've had 350,000 picnics and would almost rather die than have another one. I don't like to have sex with my wife in front of the elders and have it videotaped and graded. In fact, sex with my wife has become so boring, I wouldn't care if I ever had it with her again. One thousand years of the same stuff just isn't fun any more. I want some NEW stuff with a NEW female. But adultery is punishable by death, and even THINKING about adultery is punishable by death. To be honest I hate this Paradise and this life. I've had to stone to death 253 of my kids so far."
Satan: "Aren't the anointed brothers supposed to look out for you and protect you?"
Dad: "Well, that was the way it was supposed to be, but it didn't turn out that way. Over the last several hundred years, the number of those partaking of the emblems has grown to over 350,000,000 people. It seems EVERYONE wants to get the hell off this planet and head for heaven. That's why the Governing Body has recently ruled that anyone who claims to be anointed will be stoned to death."
Satan takes his leave and heads back to Heaven.
Jehovah: "How did it go, Sate?"
Satan: "You can forget about turning me loose to mess up people. They are so f****ed up already, I couldn't possibly make things any worse for them than it is now. I TOLD you you should have chosen 'Zen Comics' as a Holy Book over the Bible, God."
Jehovah: "Damn."
Farkel
...OUTLAW