"Mental wondering in the wilderness"... uh oh.... it's a long post from Snakes.... lol
Yep... I think that is the best way to describe where I am at in life right now.
If you have read my past posts (mostly in the Private Section) you know some of my history as a life-long (now former) Witness.
I have been away from the JW religion, for all intents and purposes, since Dec. 06, though it was not until Sept 07 that I stopped attending meetings. I have been "inactive" long enough now that I would no longer be counted in the offical annual YB/WT tally. So basically, for the last 2 years plus, I have lived without the "WT-structure" of my life that I have had for as long as I can remember. It's a scary place at first and can be for awhile.
Since leaving, I realize how few friends I really had while in the fantasy world of Jehovah's Witnesses. I had lots of contact with many JWs, but as far as being involved in their lives socially or they in mine, I was an outcast even in that world. Though surrounded by people in the Organization almost every single day, I was alone and did not know it. And the few Witnesses that I thought were "true" friends scattered like cockroaches when the lights are turned on. Being "marked" (officially or not) will do that to your Witness friends...as if you are DF.
I guess I should have known better. I had to fight for every step up the "Theocratic Ladder" I ever took because I did not fit the image of "Spiritual Man" that others had. So while I did go through all the steps expected of a male publisher in the Watchtower Organization (aux pio, reg pio, temp bethel, MS, elder, even an MTS grad), I never quite fit into the Witness world. Of course, since I was raised as a JW from age 4 on, I also have never fit into the "worldly" scene either. I have a huge learning curve on the social front.
Now that I am away from the fantasy of DisneyWatchtowerWorld, "alone" does not begin to describe where I am at now. I am fortunate to have a couple of close real life friends that keep me from losing my sanity completely (including real life friends I met here on JWN). But for day-to-day life, I am not around people very much. Unlike the average job where you go somewhere and interact with the same group of co-workers regularly, I do not report regularly to an office, I work in the field on my own. However, my interactions with other humans while working is brief (being a bill collector is not good for building friendships).
I started a new semester at the college yesterday but I am very much out of my element (socially) there too. I am often twice the age of my fellow students and even younger than many of the instructors, People don't really know how to take me. Just like Dubville. So I just mind my business and go to class and get out.
Lately I seem to get pissed off for stupid reasons. I challenge people often, refusing to accept that "things have to be a certain way because it has always been". I have taken on a "I don't give a shit" attitude lately. This, of course, does not get me any nominations for Mr. Popularity. I have done this at work and at school. I didn't lose my job at work surprisingly (after a recent pissing contest with a manager). At school the instructors and admin compliment me on intellect (though in reality my IQ is only average, apparently I just work harder to make up for being an older student). These same school personnel shake their head at my utter lack of diplomacy (ie, I don't do well with politics in any area of life).
I realized on reflection that I have been this way my entire life. Some days I feel like I am going to unravel at any moment, skating on the thin line between reality and insanity. Many days I am so mentally tired that I don't want to get up ...but lying in bed is not my style... I started to go to work today and then decided to just chuck it. (I have that option in a limited way, I make my own schedule, but I make commission wages only).
I had a friend recently suggest I need therapy. While I do not disagree with this assessment, our current health system in the US does not provide such therapy without substantial cost. I do have health insurance, but the deductible is so high (and does not begin to cover what I may need mentally) that I may as well not have insurance. And the doctor I inherited (after my last doc moved away) just wants to peddle pharmaceuticals on me and collect copays, no matter what the problem.
Because of the nature of my job, I work when most people are doing social things (weekends) and go to school when most people work. So trying to find opportunities to find a new social circle has been limited. The bar scene is not my thing, I don't drink much. It's a commuter college, so there is not much going on campus. So what do I do about it? Plow myself in school, finish this summer, look to move away from the "scene of the crime" (the area I grew up) and start over. New life, new job. No one knowing I was ever a Witness.
And hopefully a new mental outlook.
So why did I post this here? Certainly not for pity. Maybe to vent a little, my own little personal therapy session. Hell, that's all those pscyh docs do any way...let you talk. But mosly I posted this as a warning to current Witnesses. (And I decided this post to the Public section so that lurking Witnesses can read this.)
If you are currently an active Witness but thinking of walking away from the Organization, understand that if you leave that you need to be prepared to go through a rough road. Have a support systemin place BEFORE you walk away. Make some "worldly" friends at work or somewhere;, find a therapist if you can; get close to non-JW family...people that you may have looked down on before...people you can talk with....you will need all of them and more to get you through the mental anguish that follows you...especially if you were raised as a JW. It's harder to do after you leave. If you don't you end up being in a "no man's land" for a time. The more time you have invested as a JW, the harder it may be.
People who were as involved as I was in the Watchtower Organization do not just get to "walk away" from the Organization. "Something" must be wrong. The rank and file witnesses can smell it as surely as the smell of death (and that is a smell you never forget) and run the other way.
Thanks for the therapy session. Bill my insurance company.... but don't hold your breath for payment.
Snakes (of the "not quite right" Sheep Class)
PS...feel free to toss rocks. I won't take it personally. The Organization beat me down, I can only go up now.