LURKING JW: Thinking of leaving? Learn from my experience.

by SnakesInTheTower 36 Replies latest jw friends

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  truthsetsonefree

  Have a support systemin place BEFORE you walk away. Make some "worldly" friends at work or somewhere;, find a therapist if you can; get close to non-JW family...people that you may have looked down on before...people you can talk with....you will need all of them and more to get you through the mental anguish that follows you...especially if you were raised as a JW. It's harder to do after you leave. If you don't you end up being in a "no man's land" for a time. The more time you have invested as a JW, the harder it may be.

  People who were as involved as I was in the Watchtower Organization do not just get to "walk away" from the Organization.

  Snakes, you are ABSOLUTELY and unquestionably correct. I know because I was able to do the above and my transition has been nearly perfect. Further as an elder it was not possible to just walk away. Both in my own mind (as I felt the need to warn my friends, some of whom left) and because uber elders saw me as an "apostate" and felt they needed to protect the congregation. But even if one can walk away, the transition socially is very important to make before one leaves. Let both lives overlap. It is the shrewd and practical thing to do. If you are in a judicial situation, don't let them disfellowship you. Repent, even if you have to fake it. Then fade in such a way that you preserve your emotional health. If you don't believe it anymore, again fake it while planning your exit. It will be well worth the effort later.

  Isaac Carmignani
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  Mrs. F:

  Do you feel open to having a greater relationship with your non JW brothers? Rebuilding those family ties might give you a greater sense of connectedness and belonging that you lost upon leaving the WT. Just a thought.

  Ironically, my youngest brother, 10 years younger in fact, are closer now than we ever were when I was an active JW.

  [[Back story: I had kicked my youngest (nonJW) brother out of my house. He lived with me for a few months. He had violated my house rules, which were not the same as JW rules..... didnt do a few chores in lieu of rent, ate my food without helping out, coming in at 3am....I caught him smoking in the house because it was "too cold" outside..I have never smoked and it makes me sick. (I once tried a cigarello and it did nothing for me)

  ... and found his stash of very hard core porn (I mean nasty hard core by almost any standard) magazines in a closet. Even as an elder, I really didnt care if someone looked at soft core......but some of the stuff was just horrid. That was the last straw. I waited for him to leave for a weekend and changed the locks. Pissed my JW mom off and alienated me from the whole family for awhile.... ]]

  So my relationship with my youngest is strong now...he says it was because I took the hard tack with him....forced him to grow up (a little..he is still a partier..lol). I love him dearly.

  My relationship with my middle (nonJW) brother is not as close, but we talk every 7-10 days, same as my JW mom. I love him but some things he does irritates me and I won't subject myself to it. I have an open invite to live with him and his wife if I ever need it.... he has begged me to move there.... so at least I know I will not ever be homeless....

  As to moving away...it will have to be for the right reason and on my terms..I refuse to be "running" from anything. I have been developing a close friendship with someone I met via eHarmony, but I suspect we will remain friends only (for reasons I wont go into), but who knows? I have a couple of other nonJW friends locally who are genuinely kind and would help no matter what... and understand I was still shedding the old "JW Persona" and didnt give me too hard a time for being an ass while an elder...just relieved that I finally left it...

  I am keeping busy with school..full load of 5 classes (and I think I was able to test out of a 6th class)... so volunteer ops may be limited, but I havent stopped looking...

  thanks for your kind comments...I hope my experience helps some lurker somewhere...

  Snakes ()

  PS...and mr. and mrs. flipper...thank you..... your PM made my day.
• 

  jwfacts

  I agree. Keep quiet and plan for leaving by building friendships outside of the WTS.

  For several years before leaving I had deduced it was a cult, but hung in there for family. But I was fortunate enough to make some exceptional friends at work, friends that stuck by me and kept me sane through the Post Traumatic Shock that I went through when disfellowshipped. For several months after I was depressed and not fun to be around and it would have been impossible to attract new friends at the time that I most needed them.
• 

  Awakened at Gilead

  Snakes,

  Wow, I know it's really hard. I did not have a support system when my world came crashing down, but that was the first thing I looked for. Thankfully, I met people like Isaac, and plenty of others, both ExJW and non-JW, who have been a support to me on the way...

  I'm here for you man, if you ever want to chat or email me, you know how to find me...

  Lance
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  jwfacts:

  For several months after I was depressed and not fun to be around and it would have been impossible to attract new friends at the time that I most needed them

  though I am not DF, the depression is there more than I like to admit. Just today I had an instructor email me privately asking me to dial it down this semester (online class I had the same instructor for another similar class) on the class discussion board. He has no idea why I was so "in your face" and confrontational last semester with others on the course. Little does he know it has nothing to do with school. I promised I would be good (mostly) this time around. At least he was complimentary to me in his comments, which helped my mood.

  lance:

  I do need to catch up with you and a few others who have extended a long distance hand. I tend to be home in the late evenings (I am in the Central Time Zone US)...not much during the week or on the weekends before sundown..I am either at work or at school. Thank you ..considering you went through a hell of a lot more than I have....

  Snakes ()
• 

  truthsetsonefree

  But I was fortunate enough to make some exceptional friends at work, friends that stuck by me and kept me sane through the Post Traumatic Shock that I went through

  Same here.

  Isaac
• 

  TheSilence

  Snakes, my friend, you know I love you. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to chat before we do lunch again.

  I wanted to address this:

  My advice is to never, ever, tell anyone that you used to be a JW. They will always look at you sideways after that. It doesn't get sympathy.

  I have never had a problem telling anyone I was a witness. I'm not saying anyone really understood the ramifications of it, but there was more curiosity and interest than judgement. I'm not saying it should be something you blurt out the first time you meet someone, but never should we have to hide who we are and if the subject comes up naturally in conversation there is no reason to run from or be ashamed of our past. Instead we should be proud of the fact that we escaped because it took strength and courage to do so. We have grown and learned since then. And if someone is the kind of person who is going to judge you based on who you were rather than on who you are their opinion isn't really that important anyway.

  I have found some interesting insights from talking to people who have no experience with jw's. Their curiosity and my openness to discussion led to discussions that made me view things in a slightly different light or at least see a glimpse of an outsider's view. It was interesting to learn from and broadened my perspective of my own situation.

  Jackie
• 

  dinah

  Sorry you are having such a rough time, Snakes. What you said about Witness friendships is so true. Most don't form close friendships, it's all so conditional.

  One idea, if you are enrolled full time in college usually they have counselors available for students. I know they did at UAB, and I used them to help get through some tough times. At least check on that to see if it is available to you.

  Now about that "I don't give a shit" attitude. I think we all go through that as part of the process. Your entire belief system has proved false and it leaves you disillusioned and depressed. I still have problems with apathy. Your anger is normal too......I have no advice for you there as I still struggle with that myself.

  You can have friends who aren't your age. It's a good thing. Rounds out your circle of friends---which you unfortunately are having to build from scratch. Don't go around feeling like the old dude in class (you're not old yet, buddy). And smile sometimes, it makes you more approachable. Somehow I can see you with a frown on your face.

  It is hard re-establishing a life, but it can be done. I'll be thinking of you. If you ever make it down to visit your parents, let me know. I think you would pass close to me on your way there.
• 

  quietlyleaving

  Snakes, remember too that once your work load eases you will feel much better.

  A coping strategy that I have found useful is to remind myself of the good things I got out of being a JW. Reading your posts above I got the impression that you worked very hard as a JW to benefit others in the way you thought was best at the time. Lots of humanitarians and philanthropists have done that in history. We tend only to be told about the "good" whilst the "bad" is excised. We get a very lopsided picture of how life ought to be. Jehovahs Witness are no less humanitarian and philanthropic than many of the people we are taught to look on with admiration. If I had more time I'd give you some examples but I think you'll understand what I mean.

  You've only been "out" now for a comparatively short while. I hope that in time you'll be able to see that having been a witness wasn't so bad after all and in coming to terms with it, reprise the beneficial effects, which are clearly visible in you.
• 

  Doubting Bro

  Snakes,

  Great thread. I can understand a bit of what you're going through. Its part of the normal process and while that doesn't make it any easier, at least you know you're not the only one that has those feelings. I too am finishing my degree (just a few more classes to go!!) and we're around the same age. A few years ago when I started realizing that the WTS isn't "Gods channel", I started slowly withdrawing from my JW friends. Like you, I haven't really replaced those folks and turth be told, they really weren't that close. My wife & I have a great relationship and that's really the only thing that has kept me sane. However, I really don't share with her the pain of losing my religion although I have shared my doubts with her. Its really no-mans land but that's road I've chosen to walk.

  I'd encourage you to keep "your eyes on the prize" (sorry I couldn't resist). Throw yourself into your school work and continue getting good grades (which I'm sure you're doing). Once you finish, get the hell out of Dodge. I think you said you're looking at what, 6 months? You can do it. Then, you can really start building a life. When you land at your new home, go in with the attitude that you are going to meet and make good friends. Get involved with the community, join a club, go out with coworkers or neighbors. You'll figure it.

  The great thing about these discussion boards is that you can vent even if its just reading others posts. Continue using it as a lifeline. I'm available if you ever want to talk.