I really don't think any run the gamut of emotions like this story... gotta be my favorite... can't understand why it wasn't in the Book of Bible Stories:
A traveling Israelite man comes into a town of Benjamin with his concubine, stays with a hospitable local resident for the night, and a mob of townsmen come banging the door down demanding to rape him.
He heroically hands over his concubine instead, and they gangrape her all night.
In the morning the man comes outside and says, 'OK enough resting, time to hit the road," and then realizes she's dead. He narrows his eyes and growls, "Now it's personal."
He takes out his trusty pocket knife (boy scout motto: be prepared) and, as any of us would do, dismembers her corpse and sends each piece to a tribe of Israel (what do you tip a delivery guy for that, anyway?).
When the tribes receive the cuts and hear the story, they're outraged and demand that the men responsible be handed over (presumably to be raped).
Benjamin refuses to hand them over, saying they'll rape them themselves, so the other tribes consult Jehovah as to what their military strategy should be. Jehovah tells them how to attack Benjamin, they follow His instructions and suffer defeat, losing 22,000 men.
Understandably disappointed, the Israelites have to keep on thinking happy thoughts and realize it was their own premature expectations that disappointed them, not Jehovah. So like the ultimate suckers they are, they go back to Jehovah and ask 'What do you want us to do now?' to which Jehovah responds 'Attack of course... thought I told you that yesterday. Better get on it!' They think they hear him snickering softly as they turn away.
Israel attacks again and Benjamin kills another 18,000 of their warriors.
The Israelites weep even harder than before and, still being ultimate suckers, slaughter animals and make blood sacrifices to Jehovah all day and night (because their 40,000 dead was not quite enough to satisfy him).
They ask with some trepidation, 'Uh... Jehovah... did you want us to attack again? We seem to be getting wiped out.' Jehovah says 'Yes, attack again. I kinda spaced on that last battle, but I've totally got your back bro, for real this time.'
The Israelites astutely realize that putting their trust in Jehovah has so far only lead to death and rape, so they rely on their own human wisdom, setting an ambush for Benjamin. This proves to be a good decision, as they lose only 30 soldiers while managing to slaughter 25,000 Benjaminites. Only 600 men in the entire tribe escape into the wilderness, with nobody there to rape but each other.
After the battle is over, the Israelites turn their attention to exterminating the non-combatants, animals, and burning the cities of Benjamin. They also swear never to allow their daughters to marry or be raped by any of the 600 escaped men.
But now killer's remorse sets in. They realize they've cut off a tribe of Israel. Feeling bad about this, but still refusing to allow their daughters to marry the Benjaminites, the Israelite leaders develop a plan. They realize that Jabesh-Gilead has no representatives here in the war council. So they send 12,000 warriors to Jabesh-Gilead to kill the men, women and children there. How does this fit into the plan you might ask?
Well you see, even in a rape-happy society such as this, there are girls in that city who are still virgins. So after some thorough checking, the men determine that there are 400 virgin girls there, and they take these to the Benjaminites to be raped... everyone else in the city is slaughtered.
Simple math tells us that this still leaves 200 Benjaminites without a squeeze, so the Israelites encourage them to kidnap girls from the annual "Jehovah Festival" at Shiloh (the equivalent of our district convention) and rape them.
This is done, and everyone lives happily ever after, relieved that they are nothing like the despicable Canaanites who Jehovah had to clear out of the land with extreme prejudice.
THE END!
