The wife hasn't been mentioning our differences of opinion. We're talking about other things, just not the elephant in the room. As far as religion goes, all's quiet on the western front. Strange.
Update on my situation
by JimmyPage 11 Replies latest jw friends
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beksbks
Hmmmm is it possible she may be afraid of losing you? That would be a good thing.
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primitivegenius
(holds up lighter) rock on bro
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passwordprotected
She's thinking. If she wanted you out of the relationship, you'd be gone by now. She's thinking, she's pondering, she's stewing.
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LouBelle
Why not just take it head on and speak about the elephant -it's the only way things will get resolved.
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sspo
Good for you, hope everything works out and save your marriage.
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carla
Maybe she isn't allowed to or it was suggested that she doesn't discuss spiritual things with you. (same thing except in the eyes of jw's)
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WuzLovesDubs
I agree with Lou on this...it needs to be addressed or you will both be walking on eggs for a VERY long time and women dont ever forget anything. Just because she hasnt said anything doesnt mean it went away. obviously she has been stewing on this and it has been bothering her for a very long time.
And in all fairness to your love for her, you need to encourage her to go do what she needs to do to get peace and clear her conscience. But she needs to know that that is not the decision YOU made with regards to your own "confession" and laying yourself bare to God was sufficient to you and re-playing it all to the elders would mean following their pharasaic sheep controlling rules which you arent about to do. But if she decides NOT to go to the elders, she has to know that the subject CANNOT be brought up again in your marriage and has to be a closed issue. Done deal. Fait accompli.
I have...well HAD...a very close friend as a JW. She was a rabid JW and a pioneer. However she married a "safe" JW man who was always more interested in fishing and being by himself than he was in her or their kids and she was basically alone in the marriage. And she confided in an elder, they fell in love, started having sex and got busted. Well neither of them was DFd. They were split up into different congregations and told never to have contact again. But they snuck around anyway because they were in love (she told me AND he told me...this) He ended up getting a divorce. And she stayed in her marriage. But many years later there were still things about that whole affair she hadnt told the elders and she couldnt live with it. Even though she was not DFd for the sex, when she went and confessed the remaining things...probably the post JC activity, they DID DF her for like...a year. But at least she can move on now. And that was the important thing to her, to have a clear conscience before her God.
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carla
Nah, you can't discuss the giant pink elephant. But eventually it will fade from hot pink to pale pink. The elephant is the problem and there is no compromise where jw's & wt are concerned. You are either one of them or you are against them, you all know that.
You can discuss & argue until you are blue in the face and exhausted and still nothing will get resolved unless you become a 'good jw'. The discussion can range from doctrinal to all the silly rules, scandals, deaths, abuses, etc.... and still a zealous jw will not see the forest for the trees until something triggers them personally.
People do not realize just how much the wt affects the jw on a daily basis. From simple humor (hmm, better not bring up that joke my jw might find it offense even if it is not anything to be offended at), can't watch this show or movie because it isn't allowed, can't discuss politics because they are supposed to be neutral, can't really talk economy because to them it is a sign of the big A and you may not feel like that discussion at the moment, discuss books? well no, jw's don't read non jw books from what I can tell, and the list goes on. Of course jw's break all the above rules when it suits them and those are the times you have to bite your tongue and not remind them that their guilty pleasure is a freedom the rest of the world enjoys on a daily basis without the tyranny of the wt.
You can stand your ground as best you can and learn how to have a marriage with a cult member. It can get better but it will never be the same. That leaves you with a certain amount of frustration that you cannot reach your jw but yet you hold out hope like some highschooler pinning away for your own spouse when they get in a jw mode, such insanity. The best you can do is show them what real unconditional love is for as long as you can and then find something tangible to do with the frustration. For me, I deliver anti witness literature to paper boxes & where ever so nobody else joins this evil cult.
There may come a breaking point, maybe years from now, where you cannot tolerate the cult anymore and it may be sad but something you should at least think about and make some sort of plan for. Are you willing to live years and years with this person and then feel cheated later by all the living you have given up hoping they will leave the cult? Can she make any compromises without feeling constant guilt and running to the elders? Can you tolerate having these 3 men be a constant part of your marriage for the next 50 years or so? Are you able to ignore and in fact let her know in no uncertain terms how unacceptable this would be? that you don't even think of them as anything more than mere men who get their jollies from poking their noses in other people's business?
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undercover
We're talking about other things, just not the elephant in the room. As far as religion goes, all's quiet on the western front.
There's good and bad in that situation, but I'll dwell on the good.
It's good that she isn't forcing the issue to come to an immediate and final conclusion. Speaking of this from personal experience, I'd be willing to bet that she's putting the marriage first, dedication to the religion second.
That can give hope that even if the road is rocky, you can eventually work through it and come out okay, even if you never go to the hall again and she remains an active JW.