Pieces Lost

by SeekingSanity 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  OUTLAW

  A JW wife is not always a blessing..Trust me!..LOL!!.....Some on our old board have found romance................I know of people here planning to meet up..

  ...OUTLAW
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  shamus100

  You need to get some hobbies or other interests - that's where you meet people. If you do nothing, you will get nothing.

  Yes, internet dating SUCKS.
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  Mrs. Fiorini

  Welcome to the board!

  After being raised a JW, I also believed that they were the most morally upright people and "the world" was filled with those who were untrustworthy, immoral and the like. It didn't take long to realize that was just one more WT lie designed to attract and retain members in the organization. Not only does the WT not have a monopoly on morality, I believe JWs are even more likely to commit adultery. In the WT there is only one way to "break" a marriage and that is adultery. I have known JWs who commited adultery just so they could end their marriage.

  It may be an enlightening experience for you to develop friendships with people who are not JWs. I'm not talking about single women who you might get involved with. I mean people in general. As you get to know them and realize they are good people, you may develop a new confidence in future romantic possibilities.

  Best wishes to you.
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  BonaFide

  Hey SeekingSanity: Read some of my posts and you will see we are sort of in the same boat. However, being an elder and a C.O. for some years, I did find in Committee meetings, and through other elders, that some sisters were living double lives. You would be AMAZED to find out how many sisters had no problem with being pioneers and also messing around on the side. So don't be too sure that Witness girls have higher standards. Yes, some do, but again a high percentage don't tell the truth. You are right, it is not easy to find a girl who you can count on to be loyal. I have read a bunch of websites that show how you can discern if your girl or guy is loyal. I worried a lot about that before too.

  One thing that I really encourage you to do is to follow what the poster VII says. Volunteer. Or take a class in something you like to do. I took a ton of dance classes, all kinds, and also community college courses to learn new languages. Many, many girls there. Yes, worldly, but so nice to see that people are not as bad as Witnesses make them out to be.

  Another idea is that you can be a Witness and date sisters. I go to all the meetings and in service, and I comment and give talks. A few months ago I wasnt being invited to anything because I was speaking out. But I learned on here either be careful or disassociate myself. I decided to stay in and help my friends- in my own way. Just be careful what you say, again you will be surprised how many witnesses, single or married, don't believe a lot of the Witness' teachings. Read this forum and you will see.

  Everyone here has an opinion on fading, or disassociating, or pretending, or some mix of all that. I used to let other people decide for me what to do with my life. Now I read a lot, then figure it out on my own.

  Hope you do well. There is a girl out there somewhere for you.

  BF
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  Farkel

  :I'm sure many of you will say: 'there were many people that cheated in the organization' and so forth. 'there were many sisters that weren't loyal' But there was some form of ASSURED percentage ...than the percentage compared to the world.

  Even if that were true, would anyone want to remain in a loveless relationship even though fidelity might be "assured?" Moreover, would anyone want to stay in such a relationship if that fidelity was assured with a gun to one's head held by Judicial Committees? Can anyone, including the Watchtower Corporation make sure that genuine marital love is "assured?" No.

  Loyalty/fidelity is a function of love. I mean true, unforced loyalty, altruistic loyalty.

  Do you honestly think that JWs are the only ones who are capable of having that type of loyalty and love?

  Farkel
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  WuzLovesDubs

  The problem is that those "good sisters" no matter what the percentage is inside the organization, dont glow in the dark. You dont know who they are. And therefore your chances of finding one are the same as finding a good woman out in the world. I dated two brothers in the organization and they were both skanks...so there is no assured percentage apparently of good BROTHERS inside. I married a third one and gave it 22 years and it tanked.

  Dont use statistics as your excuse not to get OUT there hon. Unlike the JWs...the women in the "world" ARENT gonna come aknocking at your door!

  Welcome to the BOARD!!
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  SeekingSanity

  First of all, I want to thank eveyrone involved in this post in responding. I do appreciate it. I have selected a few responses that are directed towards some people but not entirely towards just them. I've added much in response to everyone tos ee

  Undercover: "There are some bad people in the world. But maybe there are good people too. You're right, we are going to tell you that so-called devout JWs cheated and lied and stole. But there are good-hearted JWs as well. "

  I do not deny there are actually jws and 'worldly' people that are good. But the issue I have with both and where I feel that I can't go towards one or the other is that: Jws ...their beliefs. 'Worldly' people ...they never see who I am, all they see is what their eyes perceive. And with ALL women for the matter is an issue of CONTROL! It's like the little glitch...they don't get their way, so they 'cry' and the waters start running. And when that starts going, you feel like crap and cave in and be like 'okay, fine, we'll do this' or whatever. It's like an emotional black mail. Where she will want something, and then start crying and showing sincereity in her cries. And I can't tell anymore if she's actually SERIOUSLY crying OR if it's just to get something. Like if she wanted to go out with her friends..she sets up a huge dinner that night and starts talking about her joba nd how stressed out she is...and starts crying and saying 'Somethings I just want to get away from everything and everyone and just go out with some friends to hang out' ...knowing fully well that I have a test or something tomorrow and I wont be able to go. LAter i find out she's seeing some guy with her friends or something. Now, I don't care if she goes out or where, just as long as our relationship isnt tained in the process. But that's just an example of how 'crying' is used in emotional blackmail in order to get her way (this is hypothetical situation i made up to prove what i'mt rying to say, this hasn'thappened...yet) Deception and dishonesty... That kind of trust is shattered...how could I ever trust her again?

  And the ones that dont' fall into that catagory...then you have the issue of having to play this RIDICULOUS and STUPID game where I have to jump through hoops in order to just get things rolling. Or the stupid 'Dont' call in 3 days or else you seem desperate' BS. Every little thing is a judgement call to these women or perhaps all women...who knows.

  I'm not a bad looking guy actually (not to brag), But I don't want to be TRAINED as if i'm some sort of home make up project for women to change me into the man SHE wants me to be. I'm willing to compromise but not at the expense of where i loose my identity. I am a little picky! I mean if a girl is lying, it's a turn off. I move on. If a girl starts flirting rather quickly within an hour...it's a turn off. There are a few things I DO look for and don't go with everyone. I mean if youre interested in a date and half way through the date I find out your married and it's only for 'legal reasons to get citizenship' i'm like 'WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????' and tell her 'go back to your husband' and go home delete her phone number and never call again. Or your checking out the guy across the room..it's like 'what the hell?' or you got like 15 guys in your cell phone who call you constantly and they're 'just friends' even though your voice gets raised up in pitch like all 'daddy's little girl' and giggly and fliratous...please do you think I am buying this?

  I understand this might make me sound a little bit...uh..whats the word? annoying..or irritating...or cynical...or maybe a jerk, but you have to understand how irritating it is to get these type of responses from girls time after time.

  or for example: I asked this one girl out..she said yes...the next day it was a no...then it was 'your like a brother to me' ...then the 'brother' became 'a friend' ...hinting that she actually likes me.. Then I find out she's involved in an internet relationshp that's been going on for 3 and half years. I was so upset I told her we're not going to go hang out as 'friends' ...it's off totally. She insisted 'Why? you and I are just friends it's fine' ...i was like 'no cause you know how i care about you and how long iv'e known you' If your into this guy, i'm not going to attempt tot ake you away from him. It's morally wrong tod o something like that. Cause technically it's cheating even though we're 'just friends.' When you try to do the 'right' thing, you end up being 'the nice guy' ...if you do the 'wrong' thing, your the 'bad boy that every girl wants.' I DON'T want that! It doesn't follow my morality. So I ignored her phone calls for hte next week. She finally got me by blocking her phone number...I answered she laughingly said 'so are you ignoring me or something/' I said 'yes' ...there was a pause and she asked 'why?' I said 'well woudl YOU tlak to someone that broke your heart TWICE?' ...there was a llooooong seven second pause and she said '...we're just friends, i told you wer'e just friends' ..i was so upset i said i can't talk to you ... I ignored her for the next week. I called her back and said 'look i'm sorry if i came off al ittle harsh, but is till stand by what i said, you LIKE the attention i give you and That attention is reserved for someone that wants tobe with me. I wont give it to you anymore.' and that was it... 3 weeks go by and she and her mom came over at my house. (our families are close). I saw her..she saw me.. I IGNORED the hell out of her.. Not giving her the time of day for anything. I Briefly said 'hello' and thats it. She ends up calling me that afternoon with a blocked number. Its' almost as if because I ignored her she called me. Like trying to keep me on a short leash. And starts saying 'we have something in common' and 'oh why don't you give me your email address' because email communication is easier for her. I havn't spoken to her since. Don't call her or anything. But it's these STUPID games that I don't want tog et involved in. You ignore them, they chase you, you give them attention they run! I HATE THAT! Anyone out there that just wants to put in as much effort as I do? Jeez!

  VIII:

  A great place to meet new people is through volunteering. Anywhere. The American Heart Association. Habitat for Humanity. A soup kitchen. You not only have time to not reflect on only your problems, you get to meet *Worldly* people who really are selfless and helping people as no JW would ever do. For free.

  Thank you, I will give this some thought. I am a fulltime student and full time job guy. Finding someone at SCHOOL is even HARDER. I don't know conversastion starters. Nor can I keep an interest going. When I am with my guy friends or girls that are my friends...I can make people laugh so hard like they almost pee their pants but when I am around someone new... I get SO QUIET. I CAN'T I just CAN'T make conversastion. I don't know why. Fear of rejection, humiliation, embarassment, denial ...whatever the case is. I JUST CAN'T.

  Mrs. Frioini: It didn't take long to realize that was just one more WT lie designed to attract and retain members in the organization. Not only does the WT not have a monopoly on morality, I believe JWs are even more likely to commit adultery.

  I understand, and agree, but there was a sense of 'family' at least, where my fear of rejection wasn't so strong and it was easier being myself.

  Shamus100:

  I just got back froma rock concert. Something I havn't done in over 5 years. It's 1am int he morning. I understand I need hobbies and things of that nature, and thank you for your advice...it is good. After this concert I do feel as though I'm somewhat okay compared to the nervous anxiety wreck I was feeling originally with this post. Getting tot he point where you can see someone again and again without it being so obvious that your interested in them is extremely difficult. Quite frankly, people suck! once someone finds out you are interested int hem, you lost.

  Leolaia: "It was about having friends of both sexes, doing activities and things together of common interest, and maybe eventually something might turn romantic. The best way to meet someone is to get involved in a group in your area that is focused on an activity you like (a photography group? a discussion group? a biking group? etc.),"

  Thank you for your advice and I do appreciate it. Please read my above comment that I stated to Shamus100. And yes I can see where you say that getting involved int he congregation is the 'worst' place.

  Snakes: I tried internet (eHarmony) dating.... met a few nice gals ..went on a few dates.....nothing worked out though. Met one nice gal that I remain friends with but do not think we are compatible as more than that

  Yeah don't you hate it when you're sitting there and it feels like an interview? GOD I HATE THAT! I just want to leave and be like 'call me when you stop judging me' (that sounds horrible but it's so fruistrating when someone JUDGES you and they don't even know you!) or expect you to be solely interested in them and ask all the questions. It feels so uncompatableness (is that a word?) I think it's really nice when the conversastion goes in so many different directions but it's pouring out like water as opposed to some suction machine from my mouth.

  Farkle: Do you honestly think that JWs are the only ones who are capable of having that type of loyalty and love?

  No...but i've been hurt by the 'world' enough tof eel that there was a better chance int he organization.

  Wuzloves: Dont use statistics as your excuse not to get OUT there hon. Unlike the JWs...the women in the "world" ARENT gonna come aknocking at your door!

  I totally understand your view point. But then it all falls back on the stupid 'game.' you can't just walk up to someone and say '...I thikn you are amazing...you look beautiful, but quite frankly, i don't know you. But I hope that we can get together for a cup of coffee and just talk and so I can see if your equally beautiful on the inside.' That doesn't fly...it's having to go about it in a subliminal way or some stupid bs just tog et a cup of coffee. Augh! I'm fruistrated and aggreivated over the games and hoops we have to jump through just for someone to see who you really are inside. I'm ranting now. I'm tired and exhausted. I have class in the morning and my voice is almost out fromt he concert cause of yelling.

  There's something wrong with me.
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  carla

  Gosh, from your reading your post I can't imagine why you have a problem finding a woman! Think your own attitude might have something to do with it?

  From a non jw viewpoint and from reading these boards for a number of years now I would say I have never seen more sexual immorality as in the jw's. (among married folks)

  Why don't you try being a friend to a woman first so you can see a little better how they work. Maybe the places you are meeting them is not conducive for relationships. Take a class for fun, a hobby or craft you are interested in, then you may meet a friend who happens to be a female and you will have a common interest to begin with. Or as already suggested volunteer somewhere.

  As for the girl you were ignoring, YOU were one playing games. She apparently told you she wanted to be friends, maybe your definition of friends includes 'friends with benefits'? YOU wrote her off because YOU didn't get what YOU wanted, an exclusive relationship. Sometimes that happens, we think we like someone but they are not right for some reason or they love someone else. If you truly cared for her you would want her to be happy. You are the one who is playing games because your 'heart' is broken over her. How your heart can be broken over someone you never had a relationship with is beyond me but maybe you need to mature a little and have some women as friends before you get into a serious relationship. I think sometimes ex jw's think every relationship should turn into marriage right away without giving time for the relationship to truly develop. Or some go the extreme other way and think sex is a cure all and have indiscriminate sex with just anybody. Some believe all worldy people act that way, they don't and are often shocked by the behavior of ex jw's when leaving the cult. Take some time to just be, concentrate on school and allow friendships and relationships to develop naturally. Most the people I know who have been happily married for at least 20+ years were friends before they started a relationship, it grew into love. Sounds like your a young guy, youv'e got time no need to rush.
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  Jim_TX

  "Sounds like your a young guy, youv'e got time no need to rush."

  My thoughts exactly - from reading your posts - which scream immature youngster.

  also... just remember...

  "You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd."

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  LouBelle

  As with anything in life, the best place to start is with YOURSELF. You're looking for something out there, something you hope to find in a woman! Being married is not the be all and end all. Many people are programmed to think that is where a relationship should automatically go.....society dictates.

  Enjoy the freedom you now have. Do some soul searching, you'll find you lack nothing and having a partner to love will be and extra.