I read your story last night and could not stop until I had finished the whole thing. I really identified with the feeling that you could parrot the arguments for various beliefs, but had to shove your questions to the back and "wait on Jehovah" for clarification. I had never really thought about this in those terms before.
In my own case, I think I was very susceptible to the conditioning the society does by telling the R&F that being a witness is not going to be easy and that having doubts or questions was somehow evil. The more difficlut things were, the more righteous I felt. I came in to the wts as a nine year old because my mother was contacted in a house to house call in the 1950s. She had accepted the Paradise book and as a young kid, the illustrations in the book and the promise of eternal life were irresistible. I wasted the next 30 years of my life in the clutches of this group.
Like you, coming to the realization that I was not going to live forever was the hardest thing. With time, I have gotten over that. I went back to school and got my degree in 2004 and have learned to live in the here and now and to think for myself. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story. I'm sure it is going to help a lot of people who are looking for a way to get free.