by oompa 21 Replies latest jw friends
you know and feel WAY too much for a newbie
oompa, I have been lurking for a bit. However, JW experience is something that I know and feel. Why I am here.
Being in a spiritually unbalanced relationship is rough. I did it for years, I didn't make it. I am assuming you are in one too. This site must offer so much support, I wish I had found this years ago. However, it just would have ended sooner. Endings are hard.
abby
My ex and her unbalanced views, directly fed into her head like a feeding tube attached to the WT magazine, tortured me. I loved her so, and I knew she would never love me like she should. Trust me, your heart goes into a cross cut shredder.
I left her, simply because I concluded (for me) that the devil I didn't know (being alone) was better then the devil knew.
I am a bit melancholy about pain, which is why I posted the Morrison quote. I accept it as part of life. It helps me to fight against the occasional temptation to drown out my pain or otherwise not deal with it.
Hi Oompa,
I understand your pain, it's very lonely in a divided relationship. It took 11 years, my husband is out now.We are in marriage counciling trying to build a relationship.
Blithe
Hi Oompa
Can I explain how it was for me on the other side of the coin - so to speak?
When I was a dutiful wife in the truth, my hubby left. It wasn't difficult for him as he'd only ever been a bum on a seat at the kingdom hall anyway, no climbing the ladder for him. So he wasn't missed, only one elder came to see him about why he left and chatted to him for a full 5 minutes.
He didn't fade, he just woke up one sunday morning and as we were getting ready for the meeting he said (his exact words) "I'm not doing this anymore, its all bullshit".
My first reaction was one of complete relief. Finally, after 13 years, I knew he'd been honest about how he felt about the "truth". As his wife I'd seen him never take the lead with the kids, hated studying with them as much as they hated being studied with, sigh deeply every time he had to give a prayer at the table, go out of FS for about an hour a month. NEVER answer at the meeting, give talks but only cos he HAD to etc.
All this was really hard work for me as it was like bringing up 5 kids in the truth instead of 4! So the day he said "its all bullshit" was a real relief. Thank God! One less "kid" to deal with!
Just wondering, if you finally made the decision to cut all ties with the WT once and for all, your wife might just feel the same relief I did. My marriage did become stronger after that. I knew where I stood and so did he. No more sitting on the fence playing about with the "truth" This benefitted both of us.
I saw him change into a man downtrodden and burdened by the expectations of the congregation (and me) into a fella that loves life and his family to the full. Not only that, but as he began to stay home and do what he wanted, I felt quite jealous. Sitting in a hot KH with miserable kids all trussed up in best clothes, with the sun shining outside, knowing he was at home having a beer, was a real toughie!
In the end, his actions spoke louder than his words. He was just such a happy guy to be free that the contrast in him was extreme and his whole demeanour changed.
As I became more miserable in the truth, he became much happier without it. I was so low that it led to my definately having to make sure it was the truth before I could continue. This led to my research - and the rest as they say, is history.
There were some rocky moments in all this, mainly due to my cult mindset. I would take the mick out of him for going to his works xmas party or sending his mum a birthday card etc, but it was my jealousy talking really, and the need to feel superior as the "faithful" one.
Now we're both out, our marriage has NEVER been better. Hand on heart I can honestly say that. I love my man so much and I'm proud that he took the decision to leave the truth when he did. We'e very close now.
So it might be painful for a while. Doing what is right for you sometimes is. But people adjust around you and in the end see your happiness and want some too. It doesn't always have to end in a breakup.
Hello Oompa,
We've spoken about this before on your apostaphone and I have had several posts here about it. It is not only painful but I feel that it is confusing as well. I never know what to expect from my JW wifey. Sometimes it's easy but then I get really confused by her behavior.
This usually happens after she goes to a meeting or two or after she meets up with some of them. Maybe in field circus or a get together or something like that. Their brainwashed attitudes makes life somewhat difficult. I love my wife very much and don't wish to hurt her. She has stuck by me in some very troubling times. I just keep plugging away.
I hope the best for you.
Quirky
Yeah, oompa, let's all stir up the painful thoughts we have about not having our wives with us instead of finding ways to accept our situation (if we aren't going to change it) and move on. Jesus fricking christ! Enough already!
I cannot even imagine how tough it is with one of you still "in". My husband and I have been apart before, but I have never been more lonely than the night last week when he went to the memorial. I was just so afraid they would corner him and brainwash him all over again. Anyway he came home and his mind was still dirty the way I like it but I don't know if I could deal with that feeling a couple of times of week. If we hadn't have both quit I don't know if we would still be together or not.
I like abbydear's post. My "one in" and "one out" started as "two in" so it has definitely changed.
We were a team, getting each other to the Kingdom Hall and preaching together on weekends, at least meeting the group together and meeting at the designated break spot regardless of who we were at the doors with. We had a common purpose. When we vacationed, we went with friends or met new friends at the Kingdom Hall. (Yes, we were that type of JW's.) While life was full of meetings and service and conventions, at least we had each other- misery loves company.
Well, if it's wrong then it's wrong. When I knew it was wrong, I couldn't do it. Now we are "one in" and "one out." She still loves me, I love her. But it is a strained different relationship. She runs off to the meetings and service on her own. I type comments here and meetup with ex-JW's without her. We discuss daily stuff, but there's a whole bunch of topics piled onto the 800-lb gorilla in the room.
The pain- from my view. Regardless of how or why we got together, my wife and I became a real team. We are closer to each other than to any other human beings. She thinks I will be destroyed at the imminent Armageddon and I think she continues to keep her mind closed and waste her life. It's not quite the same, but I suppose it would be like watching an anorexic think she's fat at 96 pounds and no matter what I say or do, she won't eat more than a bit of lettuce. Or it could be like watching an alcoholic absolutely refuse to admit she even has a problem, meanwhile she destroys her liver and gets in fights at the bar.
To keep the team going, I have to stop short of really saying what the problems with WTS are. Oh, I try. But in my case, I am not allowed to shove some calories down the anorexic's throat. She just doesn't tolerate it. Otherwise, she is a great teammember. She vacations with me and continues to go to the museums and the zoo with me. She tries to keep the conversation lively and avoid "spiritual" stuff. It's still good, it's just weird.
I can only speak about my experience. I would not use the word "pain". "Uncomfortable" is more accurate.
I left in 1989, over the 2 eyewitness rule regarding child abuse. My wife, Nina, stayed. For 13 years she would guilt me, nag me, badger me into going back to meetings. And for 13 years I ranted and raved, tore magazines and books apart, threw them across the room (not exactly my best moments).
We eventually reached a sort of detente. The meetings were the 900 pound gorilla that sat in the living room that no one wanted to talk about.
However I was lucky. In a sense.
In 2002, my 6 year old son came down with a one-in-a-million virus that caused arthritis. He was literallly screaming, and crying, in pain. Nina and I stayed up nights with him, took him to specialists, hospitals and nothing, NOTHING gave him relief. It was the most helpless I have ever felt in my life, watching my son in pain and being powerless to help him.
Now the lucky part. After 6 weeks, the virus began to abate and the arthritis went away. And so did the pain. He finished kindergarten in a wheelchair. We took him to Disney World where Snow White gave him a huge kiss on the cheek in his wheelchair. He ate that up.
So after 6 weeks, naturally no elder or Witness bothered to call Nina to find out where she was. When she dutifully dressed her children and packed the wheelchair in her car to go to the Public Talk and Watchtower Study on Sunday, no one said a word to her. No one commented on a little blonde hair blue eyed boy in a wheelchair. And for 2 hours Nina became angrier and angrier.
Finally after the final prayer, she headed out to her car when she was stopped by an elder. He wanted her service time for the month. When Nina pointed to her son in the wheelchair and said she hadn't been out, he said: "Well Jehovah will provide." And he walked off.
She never went back.
She posts on this board as Cruzanheart since July 2002.
And tonight, my son earned his yellow belt in tae-kwon-do.
"You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need." -- The Rolling Stones
