How do we learn to really trust?

by Sirona 11 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Sirona

  Hi

  Having been betrayed by the Jehovahs Witnesses - both the organisation and the individuals who now shun us - how do we learn to trust again?

  I ask this because I have realised that I dont trust ANYONE. It goes beyond a healthy mistrust of strangers...it affects my closest relationships.

  Sometimes I think about people I know, friends, family, and it occurs to me that if they just wanted to, they could really hurt me. They could betray me, maybe they have already in some way? I actually let myself think like that and feel sick at the thought. I withdraw sometimes because I think that maybe to be further from them will protect me in future. At other times, I smother them, hoping that my love with stop them from maybe hurting me.

  Before you all say "see a counsellor" - I'd like to say that Im aware of this pattern and I know that it stems from both the JW thing, and other events in my life (e.g. being abandoned by my father when I was young).

  Im seriously asking if anyone has any advice on how to combat this feeling. Has anyone else here had problems with trusting others? what about in your marriage? What sort of train of thought should I pursue on those days when I feel so afraid?

  Thanks
  Sirona

  ** http://www.religioustolerance.org **
• 

  Nicolas

  Yes, I have this problem too and it's really problematic when I want to have new friends. Sometime, they understand my feeling and they can be good friends but sometime, they use it to manipulate me and I really don't like it. I thing that you should do something to increase your self-esteem. It would be good to change your way of thinking too. When you fill your mind with negative thoughts about you, you can't have a good relationship with yourself and the others. This is some advice who worked for me but, since everyone is different, it may not work with you. You should do your own research on the Internet, I'm sure you'll find some informations that will work for you. The help of a professionnal would be good too.

  Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• 

  Mr Ben

  Hi Sirona,

  It's the old glass half full half empty thing in my opinion. Depends on how you look at it. Every individual you trust will at times let you down - from your viewpoint. (They may not view it the same way at all. We have all been betrayed by the WTS, but the individuals shunning you have been brainwashed to think that not only are they doing God's will, but that they are "helping" you to see the error of their ways.) I suppose it depends on how often an individual lets you down in important matters, if it is only occassionally then you might reflect that this is normal. Maybe our expectations of others is too high and we are letting ourselves in for disappointment. We seem to expect more from those close to us than those not so close.

  Generally I trust strangers whilst being wary. Gradually I trust them more as time goes and you get to know them better. But should we destroy each relationship the moment one is let down? It depends on how big an issue is involved.

  I suppose there is no straight answer. We are all still healing. But not to trust those who have proven their trustworthiness to you will only undermine that relationship. In doing so you might actually make the very event you are seeking to avoid happen!

  Trust takes time. If its proven (allowing for human frailties) you shouldn't turn away.

  Take it easy cadbury's caramel

  Religion n.
  An organisation designed to promote atheism.
• 

  ISP

  I don't think any answers will really help you. You situation is unique and it will be something you probably have to figure out yourself. I think it is really tough if you are betrayed by your family. Has that happened? I am just wondering what was the 'betrayal'. Being turned into the elders is what comes to mind with the result a judicial hearing or the like. That would be bad. I have left and you take people as you find them. You trust people you have built up confidence in. You cannot trust people until you know them. You look stupid if you do. I have trusted some on the net even though there has not been a basis for it. By and large things have been OK. I have chatted to you in 'chat' and you seemed quite confident and 'together' so this caught me a little by surprise...distrust/paranoia etc! Hey but what do I know!

  Best

  ISP
• 

  logical

  Everyone ive trusted has shit on me in return. I dont know what to say really.
• 

  radar

  Sirona

  One of the Illusions that we had when we were JWs, is that people genuinely cared about us.
  The love we felt and expressed to others was conditional.
  It was conditional on how we measured up to watchtower thought processes. eg: If you missed a few meetings then you were viewed as being weak, first with gentle concern but after with suspicion.
  You would be invited out to "gettogethers" more if you were considered as being a "Spiritual" person etc.
  After rejecting Watchtower thought, you were then rejected by all who belonged to the watchtower.
  It is any wonder that you fear to trust.

  In reality, I have found nobody outside my immediate family that I could trust. Shortly after my exit from the watchtower, various Christian people kindly offered a hand of friendship, yet I could not escape the thought that they were motivated by the same thought processes that JWs were.

  By trying to smother people with affection at times, you hope to win their trust, this comes about by feelings of insecurity, particularly if your father abandoned you at an early age.
  Did you ever see the film: EAST OF EDEN? it is about a father who was very religious and who rejected one of his two sons. This son tried desperately to win his fathers trust.
  Maybe you could have a look at it one time?

  Better to love(trust) and lost then to never love at all.

  Try not to worry about the next day, for each day as its own anxieties.(from the good book}

  Kind regards

  Radar

  Like all people who have nothing, I lived on dreams
• 

  Sirona

  Hi All,

  Its taken me all this time to respond, sorry!

  ISP- yes I am "together" really. Some days, it hits home that I dont trust, thats all. Something happens and I react and realise my reaction was purely out of fear.

  I was abandoned by my father, my husband left me, in fact no man has ever been reliable in my life, really.

  Radar - I will watch east of eden, thanks.

  :)

  Thanks everyone.

  Sirona

  ** http://www.religioustolerance.org **
• 

  larc

  Logical,

  Here is a person that is hurting. Rather than give some help, you load your crap on this board. Grow up and stop talking about how people shit on you. People here have given you all kinds of support for a year now. Stop sucking your thumb and get a life. If you can't get a life, stop telling us about it. You are getting f..n boring.
• 

  Latte

  Sirona,

  I think that a lot of people feel as you do to some degree or another. Everyone at some point has felt rejection and all that goes with it. I do feel for you…you have certainly not had it easy.

  I have personally found beneficial that of reading self-help books. I have recently purchased ‘Life Strategies’ by Dr Phillip C McGraw (he’s the guy who gives out loads of excellent advise on the Oprah Winfrey show) His advice is practical and most useful……I highly recommend it!

  Let’s face it, the advice given in the Awake often merely skims the surface of a subject, just enough to wet your appetite, but not satisfy you.

  Love this quote “ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”-Eleanor Roosevelt.

  And this

  “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get up” – Vince Lombardi

  Just my thoughts.

  Latte
• 

  teejay

  Good question, Sirona, and an important topic.

  I remember feeling a serious lack of trust in people when I made my break from the organization, also. I think it's a normal reaction after coming to realize that one has been lied to (or told half-truths) and deceived.

  The best advice I can give you is to give it time. Not all people are worthy of trust, but not all people are deceitful, either. Eventually you'll be able to see that. Honorable people will show that they are trustworthy by their acts and if you are fair, you will see it and acknowledge it and be on the road to recovery. But it takes time.

  Take care,
  tj