May 4th was the 15th anniversary of my mom's sudden death as a result of a brain aneurysm. She died near the Arkansas-Tenneessee border on a tour bus headed for the Brooklyn headquarters. There were a number of over JWs from my, then, local congregation with her and my dad. The reason I write this is that last night I literally cried myself to sleep while remembering her because of of Mother's Day coming up Sunday.
I miss my mom. I miss her smile. I miss the way she used to hug me. I miss the look on her face when I bought her a box of See's candies on a trip I made to Santa Fe to visit my girlfriend. I miss kissing her goodbye. I miss her phone calls. I miss her wearing purple to Sunday meetings. I miss the way she would aggravate me by constantly searching my room for Playboys . I miss her laugh. More than anything I miss not being able to tell her I love her. I miss her not being able to spoil her two wonderful grandchildren. I miss the way she would bug me about not getting my hair cut.
I remember her trying to potty train my son...he was about eight months old at the time, but she still had him sitting on the pot. I remember her face when I rode up in our drive way in a tow truck after getting into an accident. I remember every word of the last time we spoke on the phone before she left on that fateful trip.
I remember flying back into LAX from New Mexico, and seeing the burned out mess of south central Los Angeles from the plane. I thought to myself, "That's how I feel. Like huge swaths of my soul had been burned out of me."
I remember telling my dad not to worry about anything. That I would handle all the memorial arrangements. I remember breaking down on the floor of my apartment kitchen after making the last call to the elder that would give her memorial talk. That elder was my mom's favorite. After mom's memorial, he told my aunt that he would never give another memorial talk again.
I remember, and I pulled it out this morning, finding a Mother's Day card that I made for her when I was in first grade. It was the only Mother's Day card I ever gave her, and in spite of its "pagan" origins, she kept it.
Mom, I miss you and hope you see, and are proud of the man I have become.
I love you.
