DIM's sister gets busted! (page 2)

Billygoat

Although I don't have kids, I think Joel has a valid point.

The results of that are likely to be much more powerful psychologically than any of the other events. Your mother will not realize maybe for years that she, with that one act, forever altered her relationship with her daughter.

I don't have kids, but I will never forget the time that my mom raided my room for "evidence" of disobedience. She claimed she was just cleaning my room. Even at 10 years old I saw what a lie it was. Little did she know that she totally altered our relationship. I think it was at that point that I knew she couldn't be trusted. So I never did confide in her after that.

My dad started calling me a "slut" and a "whore" when I was 13 and he busted me holding hands with a boy at the hall. His name calling didn't stop after that. In fact it escalated to the point that I thought "You know what? He already thinks I do these things so why don't I just do them?" Needless to say, not long after that I started getting into more trouble just because my dad was already accusing me of it.

A parent does not deserve trust just because they are the parent. They must earn it just like all of us on this board. When they break that trust, they have no idea how much damage they can cause that child.

But what happened to DIM's sister is NOT the same thing that happened with the kids at Columbine. The circumstances are TOTALLY different. I don't think it's fair that they're compared.

Andi

SixofNine

A parent does not deserve trust just because they are the parent. They must earn it...

Well said Andi. Same goes for respect. I think if more parents understood this simple concept, the world would be a much better place.

As for the diary thing, I think it depends on what the parents have told their kid about diaries. I told my young daughter that "no, I won't agree to not read it" lol. She knows it isn't safe from me . Fortunately for her, I will respond according to the real level of danger if I ever come across her doing something wrong. Hell, I might just take a turn for the even more liberal, and decide to let her keep some secrets in a book. Probably will eventually.

Yikes it is hard to hold your tongue when your 10 year old has a crush. She's 10 for Gods sake!

The really crazy thing about DIMs situation is that the parents were probably more worried about the pot than the smoking. The kiddo already knows something about both, and therefore knows how stupid the adults priorities are.

Aren't we supposed to get wiser with age? Wow, I just had the realisation that only religions and institutions can stifle our natural wisdom.

NameWithheld

Wow Billygoat - you echo'd some of my thought exactly! My parents did the same things to me, picking thru my room, constantly accusing me of bad/wrong motives/etc. I too got to the point of "well if I'm so bad I'll just show them". Ditto never confiding in them - if they reacted so badly to minor infractions, how could I ever approach them with bigger things?

Parents can drive their kids away just as much as the kids draw away themselves. Repect and trust is not forced, but earned, even (especially?) for parents. The best parent/child relationships I've known are usually NOT in religious families. Strange?

FWIW, I would not think that there would be much excuse for reading through someone's (even a child) private papers. Some boundries have to be respected. For that matter even spouses need a measure of privacy ...

Yerusalyim

Somehow the idea has gotten around that kids have this inherent right to privacy at all costs. That is total BS. While I don't advocate periodic raids into a child's space just to be nosy, if there is reason to suspect a parent needs to know something I think we are duty bound to "invade their privacy".

Was I invading my step-son's privacy when I looked to see what internet sites he was surfing? When I found he was spending hours on the porn site was I violating his rights? When I then discovered a porno mag left out was I violating his privacy by checking his room for it? No, I was protecting the younger children who he had exposed to porn by leaving it lying around and in the VCR.

I'm sorry, kids just DO NOT have an absolute right to privacy. If I suspect there is reason to search through a room, a closet, or a book to give me insite into the struggles my kids are going through, you can bet your sweet patootie I'm looking. If my kids blowup a school or start shooting people with a gun they had hidden in their room who will the finger be pointed at. Ya here it all the time, "how could they not know what their kids were doing?" I'll tell you how, they bought into the nonsense that kids have some inherent right to privacy that just isn't there.

Be as liberal as you want, I'm gonna be a parent. Again, I don't agree with snooping just because you don't trust your kids (unless they've given you reason NOT to trust them before), but if my kids start getting hinky on me, I'm going through their stuff.

They do this in the military unannounced, it's called a healt and welfare inspection. For your kids' health and welfare, KNOW WHAT THE HECK they're doing.

It's not so much that a parent "invades" the privacy of the little tykes, it's HOW THEY HANDLE the info they get.

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

Billygoat

Somehow the idea has gotten around that kids have this inherent right to privacy at all costs. That is total BS.

I agree. Children shouldn't have privacy at all costs. But the method the parents use to find more about the child is what I have issues with. Using one method can destroy a child's respect/trust for their parent. Another method can actually build it.

Andi

Mum

DIM, I'm so sorry about your sister. She has learned that she cannot confide in her parents. She needs someone to be there for her, so I hope she trusts you or someone else who can help her to learn to make appropriate choices for herself.

Does she have a counselor at school or some other resource to talk to about this situation? She is probably more confused than ever, and absolutely not convinced that she has done something wrong. It is easy for a teenager to justify anything to herself when parents behave in such a callous way. I fear that the pot and cigarettes are not going to be sufficient to help her escape from here on out. I get such a helpless and sad feeling when I hear something like this.

Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix

ashitaka

Stay out of the diaries and talk to the kids, try and try and try.

BTW, privacy is essential to kids being able to TRUST you, and if they don't TRUST you, then they won't LISTEN to you. Any body LISTENING?

It's different if you stumble upon something....but searching for items? Unacceptable.

DIM's sister's looking for an escape because her ass-parents approve of emotionally berrating her and beating her to death with the word "Jehovah".

And the elders? Stay the f___ out of the girl's way.

I'll tell you, I truly despise this religion.

ashi

p.s.-DIM...BE there for her. She's going to need someone to go to, and someone who won't approve of her experimenting with drugs (14 is quite young), but one who won't break her confidence.

Yerusalyim

Why are so many of you seemingly burying your heads in the sand on this supposed issue of privacy? I'll say it one more time, if there's no reason to go through a kids things, stay out. If there is reason for suspicion, then a parent is DUTY BOUND to find out what's going on, this includes going through diaries. Kids are built to distrust parents in their teen years, it's all part of growing up and away.

Kids will get over a supposed violation of this "sacred" privacy everyone seems to intone, but kids don't get over suicide and drug overdoses, teen pregnancy and molestation quite as quickly. There are far greater evils in the world than violating a kids "privacy". When the child is FULLY responsible for themselves (i.e. out supporting theirselves) then they can have all the privacy the law allows. If they live at home with me, the privacy will not be "violated" unless there is a good reason, but if there is a reason, even if it hurts their feelings TOO DAMN BAD. It's my job as a parent.

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

ashitaka

So, if nothing is wrong with your child, then it's okay to demonstrate your distrust of them again and again? Is that YOUR right? "Duty bound" is a clever way to put it, but elders are also "duty bound" to throw out apostates.

Also, what is a "good reason"?

This is not a "liberal" idea, just one of those Golden Rule things.

ashi

concerned mama

I lean pretty heavily toward Yerusalyim and Mulan's point of view. As the Mom of 2 great teenagers, I am sort of surrounded by the culture. There is a whole lot of kids caught up in bad situations, and parents aren't seeing it, either through choosing not to deal with it, or not finding out about it. As kids grow in independence they tend to be pretty close mouthed, especially about stuff they know you won't be too happy about. If you have cause for concern, sometimes you have to take a careful snoop. BUT the important thing is how you handle the information. It means there is some new topics for open discusion and a lot of listening needed on both sides. berating them won't solve anything.

There is no doubt that good kids can get in over their heads and have trouble asking for help.

DIM's sister gets busted!

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