stepchildren!!!

by fern 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  SnakesInTheTower

  fern...

  I don't have stepchildren....yet. In the short time we have dated, my GF's 8 yr old son has done some things that bother me. I have been plain about that, both with him and with her. I am very lucky that the gal I am dating (and in a very serious relationship) is OK with me correcting her son. She and I communicate very well, and for that we are both lucky. Poster theBorg is right.....As long as the parents (or in our case the couple) present a united front and don't let the kids get a wedge in, the kids have to back down and fly right. In our case, her son does. He is a good kid...just being a kid.

  As for your situation...I agree with Jamie and crapola.....get your husband in line. If you cannot, the marriage will suck at best, crumble at worst.

  My personal experience in such matters is limited to the above comment...and my own experience as a kid that liked to play mom against dad......

  And my relationship is not perfect by any means, I stepped in some serious shit today. Our first real disagreement. (Not the first stupid thing I have done or said)...... Flowers sent to work tomorrow kind of disagreement. () Neither of us are yellers or fighters...I was dead wrong in what I did and I knew it. I knew I had crossed a boundary. It was a test and we made it through because we had established a foundation of communication. Fern... If you can talk with your husband and get you and his ducks in a row, the kids will follow as Jamie said.

  Snakes ()
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  fern

  Thanks Snakes and everyone else for your comments. I will try harder to get my hubby in line with what deep down he knows are just reasonable expectations of any human being.

  fern
• 

  yknot

  Ditto Jamie!

  Maybe find a nice girls 'finishing' summer camp!

  Beyond that you probably need to seek marriage counseling to help your husband set up and maintain proper boundaries.

  I suggest 'moist towelettes' too for the bathroom.....because ewwwww my four year old is better potty trained!

  If the girls don't have responsibilities like chores that aid in the family dynamic....... suggest them to the counselor!
• 

  vikesgirl101

  Jamie always has the best advice, doesn't she?

  I was actually very pleased to find this thread, because I have two daughters ages 8 and 13. My 13 year old can be very manipulative and selfish. My 8 year old has full grasp that she is the center of the universe. Actually the younger one is better. The reason I find this thread so interesting is that it made me realize that in my relationships with others (my boyfriend of 8 months) that parenting is tough. It could easily destroy a relationship of good potential.

  So now I put myself in your husband's shoes, because I am that person. If my signifigant other came to me, complaining of petty problems, I may roll my eyes. But if I knew that it drained him emotionally, well then he would have my attention. I agree that you are not going to get far being the evil stepmom, and making extra rules. But your husband should realize that he is being walked on.

  Two months ago my 13 year old pulled the garbage your stepchildren did. I walked into her room, and gave her a list. I said "You picked the wrong day to piss me off Missy..." Her punishment was she pays her cellphone bill. Any more attitude, and she spends the days I work with her overbearing grandfather. She has chores on a daily basis. Laying down the law and standing up was the best thing I did. She cried, she apologized, and ultimately, she changed.

  A kick in the ass (hypothetically speaking) isn't always the worst thing. It reminds them that they are NOT in control. Coddling them will only encourage it.

  JUST IMHO
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  so how do you deal with an 8 year old boy who likes nothing more than to play nintendoDS (or other games on the internet) for hours on end, then watch Adult Swim on Cartoon Network when the adults go to sleep? I have ways to deal with it...slowly of course.

  He was with me for an hour the other day while his mom was away with her parents.. I had her son put the game away...and had him help me outside with chores (that I was behind on). Last week when we did this he helped me spray weed killer with the garden hose. Yesterday, while his mom was gone, and he was again at my house, I had him help me clean up an area near my garbage cans that had accumulated junk.... in that junk was a bunch of aluminum cans that had missed the recycle bin.... let him burn off energy stomping cans for me....

  then we moved on to the leftover bag of top soil that was covered with cardboard. Pulled off the cardboard and there were MASSIVE EARTHWORMS! ....big ol, 9 inch long, 1/2 diameter, honking earthworms....so cool!.....especially to an 8 year old boy.... let him play with those guys while I finished removing the bag to the backyard and scooped up the nice compost...I then had him hose down the concrete.... I did most of the work, but he was a big help.

  when his mom got back to my house, I had a shiny garbage can/recycle bin area....and an 8 yr old that hadn't watched tv or played a damn game in an hour. I know why he spends so much time doing those things.......because video games/TV occupy kids so the adults can get something done..... I fall into it to now... but between the two of us reinforcing changing behavior...things are changing....slowly....like steering a supertanker in a crowded harbor....push too hard and you crash.

  my point I guess is that, like vikesgirl, you just have to snap the kids out of their routine...what they have been used to getting away with...you can't do it overnight (as much as I want to), but you can move in that direction. Cooperation between both adults (step and biological parents) is crucial... I was a master of manipulating when I was a kid...

  Snakes ()
• 

  OUTLAW

  Fern..Take the Little Beasts to McDonalds..To bob for French Fries..

  .....................LOL!!...OUTLAW
• 

  Hope4Others

  I would let him clean up the mess, but don't do a thing let him see it for himself....if you gotta go squat....

  Its best to let him deal with the discipline, they will only resent you forever...try to chill, i know it will be super hard

  but bite your bottom lip if you have to. Listen to some Zen music before they come over it may help relax you.

  Step children are never an easy thing to deal with.

  H4o
• 

  John Doe

  I agree with you Jamie. The husband is the problem. But it may be a real challenge to make him see that. The kids won't change until he does.

  Don't forget you're only hearing one side of the story.
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  nameless_one

  Teenage girls who poop in their pants?? Also leave blood and poop on the toilet seat and wipe boogers on the walls and rarely shower? Yikes! I can't get past the pooping pants part, that seems very bizarre for girls that age. If nothing else, are they not getting some kind of pressure from their friends and peers that none of this is remotely okay? It's no surprise that they snub their noses at parents and step-parents at that age, but it seems like they'd also be getting some really negative reactions from their peers too, and most teens highly value the opinions of their peers (for better or for worse, alas). Teenage girls can definitely be moody brats and hard to deal with (I cringe at what I put my own parents through lol), but this sounds awful and really over the top.
  
  I don't have any decent advice to offer, I mostly agree with what Hope said -- let it become their father's responsibility when they are visiting. His viewpoint might change drastically if he's the one who has to deal with it and clean up the messes (literal and figurative) and be the one who "manages" the girls when they're in your home. It's certainly much easier to turn a blind eye when it's someone else who shoulders the actual work and responsibility, but jeez these are his daughters and as a parent it is very much his responsibility to at a minimum teach them how to behave at a very basic level! The moodiness and brattiness are things you might be stuck with til they grow up some more, but the rest needs to be nipped in the bud now.
  
  I feel for you, and for the girls too -- you're right that much of this is just basic expectations of any grown human being, and they've been done no favors by the adults in their lives acting as if all of this is okay. It sounds like they have never been taught some very essential aspects of hygiene and just general behavior, and for girls much of that should come from a responsible female adult (way before they're teenagers!) -- but if their mom has dropped the ball all these years, and their relationship with you is confrontational, I'm not sure where they could get that kind of female guidance. It could come from you if your husband would back you up and get on board, but it sounds like that's not happening at all (yet). I hope things improve for all of you, somehow. Best wishes.
• 

  jwfacts

  The advice I have is probably not what you want to hear as I am coming from the opposite viewpoint of other comments here.

  I have 2 step children. The girl was 4 when I got married and the boy 10. The girl looks on me as her father and calls me Dad but the boy treats me more like a friend. The girl has always been a dream but the boy was quite a handful at times.

  I believed that as a stepdad I did not have too much authority to discipline them, or responsibility for their actions as a parent. So I treated them as friends and let the mother choose how she should raise them. It was difficult, as my parents were very strict and my wife is very lenient. I would have liked her to be stricter, but then she has turned out a better person than me, so strictness is not necessarily an indicator of how people turn out as adults.

  We have had difficult times. The boy stole my car before he was licensed and crashed it, plus many other things. His slothful nature always was a cause of irritation, as was his bad grades at school. He too could not be bothered showering and would rather cover himself in deodorant, and also had issues with waiting too long to go to the bathroom out of laziness. At one stage he did get too much and moved out to live with his father for a couple of years, but soon wanted to come back home.

  We were able to get passed all the issues, because I know enough about teenage boys to know that he was no worse than many others, and to not take things personally. I also had to accept that the way he treated me at times was not because I was a stepfather but simply because that is how teenagers can be. There is a sterotype that children hate step parents, but that simply does not have to be true. The tough years have passed and he is now very successful, clean and earning money at a good job. Because I tried to understand and be a friend we are now all really close.

  If you recognise the childrens bad behaviour is a part of growing up and try to be their friend it will be easier for you in the long run.