with Renia now gone i feel more confident to tell my story without being belittled. i don't want to drone on and on, as having read alot of the experiances on here i find i have alot in comman with everyone. So i thought i'd just give a short run down of the reasons why i've ended up here. i'm aware that my life hasn't been as awfull as some peoples stories i've read on here, but for me, in my small own life... it was pretty foul. i havn't ever really set this out before but, i was brought up in the turth and have now left as a young woman... i have been committing serious sins my whole life and suffering their consquences...
My Sins:
I didn't have a father who was an elder or an MS, in fact even worse, he wasn't even a JW at all
I had been abused by my father
I was part of a single parent family
my mother did not sit around taking welfare handouts while preaching fulltime,she worked her butt off to provide for us all.
i was intelligent, and it showed
i was also good looking even took a part time job modeling clothes to get me through uni
i went to uni, got a degree and was taught there to question things and to use my mind.
i used my degree to get a very good job, which in contrast with all my window cleaning/house cleaning peers, paid very well.
when i found my JW boyfreind had started to abuse me mentaly, i dumped him
i insisted on standing up for myself, and actauly made a pact with myself aged 19 that i wasn't going to take any Sh*t from anyone anymore.
i made a racket when ever people in the congo tried to treat me badly, realising as i did that if i didn't stand up for myself, no one would.
my mother eventually left the truth
they tried very very hard, but just couldn't break me, i kept bouncing back.
Their consequences:
I have spent my entire life being punished for the above sins. I was treated as someone disfellowshipped by alot of the congo, shunned by all my peers while growing up and left out of every social activity. Constandly critisied, told off and patronised. i've spent my whole life with everyone around me making it very clear that i'm not wanted, i'm worthless, dirty and unlovable. i was a good little JW and up till now did not go into the "world", therefore my whole world was "the truth" and the way i was being treated in it was my experiance 24/7. the only reason i kept going in this lonely tormented life was because i loved Jehovah. I have not mentioned in here what finaly pushed me out, but it was a horrible experiance in the congo, which earnt me disapline from the BOE when i dared complain about it.this drove me to a nervous breakdown. i found myself one day with my purse packed with pills, a suicide note and my car keys. I was planning on driving to a remote spot, downing all the pills and waiting for sweet relief from it all... it was at that point that i woke up and realised that somthing was terribly wrong, the scripture says that Jehovah will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, yet here i was?? I instead ended up at the Dr's office, ( as per my origanal post) put on heavy antidepressants. I havn't been to any congo since, neither have i prayed or studied. I've since moved country, the congos here don't know about me at all.
i'm now attempting to build a life for myself. its early days and its tough. i have an entire lifetime of scars to over come. not to mention the warped thinking i've been brainwashed with.
my mother dosn't know i'm on this site, even though shes out, i doubt she would approve. but i would like to pay tribute here and thank her for always being there for me throughout all the sh*t we've been through and always being my best ally, in fact most of the time my only ally.
thanks for reading, hope it makes sense somehow?