Anyone remember the way Ray Franz describes this in ISOCF?
On page 606 he says this;
"It is a sad fact that those most affected by the persistant pressure to do more and more in organizationally directed activities are those persons among Jehovahs Witnesses who are the most sensitive and conscientious. For many of these, the argumentation - that subtly implies guilt if one does not follow the organization's "suggestions" and "recomendations" in striving for "increased service" - creates a constant concern that they are not doing enough, not measuring up."
I firmly believe that chapter describes many of us who ended up on anti-depressants, fat, heavy secret drinkers, or suicidal all because of the terrible low self esteem we had of trying to be good little conscientious witnesses and trying to live with the guilt that we weren't doing enough - me included.
Ray goes on to relate the story of Clarisse Greutmann who, of a sensitive nature, conscientiously pioneered to the point of exhaustion. Encouraged to continue pioneering by a CO, she suffered a breakdown and while severely depressed, jumped from a 4 storey building. She survived but had to lose her lower right leg. Her physical injuries got better but her emotional ones didnt. The book goes on to say;
"She felt she ahd failed as a pioneer and thus had failed God and that her purpose in life was finished. She could not find forgiveness for herself for the things she had done."
Her husband then relates;
"Naturally she later heard that "nobody had forced her to go beyond her capacity in pioneering" Neither the person that made these comments nor Clarisse knew of the power of constantly repeated "recommendations" and "council" in a tiring program. But you know it and God knows it."
The story ends sadly. In October 1975 Clarisse's body was found floating in the waters below the Golden Gate Bridge from where she had jumped. She was 34 years old. The sense of religious failure which led to her depression had never lifted.
Under the then current rules of the Society, she wasn't even permitted a Witness funeral because she was a suicide. 2 years after her death, they changed the rules.
This story helped me alot in understanding why I felt so terribly guilty for failing when my sons left the "truth". This feeling of utter failure is so overwhelming that its hard to put into words. My sense of guilt was so bad that I attempted suicide by swallowing as many paracetamol as I could find. It took an emergency hospital visit and an antedote to stop my kidneys failing.
The elders answer to all this was to pray and keep busy. NOT helpful! The feeling of failure and depression persisted for months and I would often contemplate suicide.
It wasn't until I read that chapter in Ray's book did I realise why I felt that way and where these feelings of guilt were coming from. It was only then could I identify the source of the pressure, and that was the Society. These 9 men have SO much to answer for.
