Questions for Those in an Alcoholic Relationship

by FreePeace 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  FreePeace

  These questions are aimed at non-alcoholic ex-JW's who have survived or left an alcoholic relationship.

  Given that the Bible says “God hates a divorcing,” to what extent did religious beliefs keep you in the alcoholic relationship?

  To what extent did peer pressure from the congregation keep you in the relationship?

  What made you decide to leave the alcoholic relationship when you did?

  Thank you in advance for your responses. My questions are part of my research in developing a program for non-alcoholics to survive an alcoholic relationship, and the things that hold them back.

  You may e-mail me privately if you wish: [email protected]

  Doug
  http://www.empoweredrecovery.com

  FreePeace
  "The World is my country, and to do good, my religion." --Thomas Paine
  TruthQuest: http://beam.to/truthquest
  Who Am I? -How to Reinvent Yourself After Leaving the WTS
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  Francois

  I don't believe there IS anyway for a non-alcoholic to survive an alcoholic relationship. Except perhaps to become an alcoholic as well.

  Further, if you examine divorce statitics, it becomes very clear that what "God" has yoked together is being put asunder on a regular basis.

  I believe that if God had anything whatever to do with marriage, with yoking two people together, those two would STAY together unless and until God himself allowed their release. That much seems axiomatic. Thus, it is easy to conclude that God has nothing to do with the marriage arrangement; that it is a human invention - a contract between two people into which the church has arrogated an "interested" position.

  And although the institution of marriage may be HUMANLY sacred, each human involved in this human-invented contract has the right to terminate that contract when it no longer provides that which each of the contracting parties desire.

  No one desires living with a drunk. By definition there is abuse going on in an alcoholic relationship; abuse of some kind - whether emotional, physical, psychological, or some combination of all three. Why would anyone wish to stay in such a one-sided contract, enabling their own destruction? Why would anyone want to provide a technique for anyone to justify staying in such a relationship?

  It's just a contract. Not a divine warrrant.

  My two cents.

  Francois
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  FreePeace

  Hi Francios,

  Thanks for your great comments!

  You said:

  Why would anyone wish to stay in such a one-sided contract, enabling their own destruction?

  I couldn't agree more! And I do not believe they should.

  You also said:

  Why would anyone want to provide a technique for anyone to justify staying in such a relationship?

  Perhaps I was not clear above. I am not developing a technique to help someone stay in an alcoholic relationship. That has already been done with Al-Anon.

  My program goes much further and actually endeavors to resolve the situation. Basically, there are only 2 alternatives:

  1. The alcoholic recovers; or
  2. The non-alcoholic leaves.

  I believe far too many non-alcoholics stay far too long in grossly dysfunctional alcoholic relationships resulting in great harm to the family.

  For more info on my approach, visit http://www.empoweredrecovery.com

  FreePeace
  "The World is my country, and to do good, my religion." --Thomas Paine
  TruthQuest: http://beam.to/truthquest
  Who Am I? -How to Reinvent Yourself After Leaving the WTS
• 

  Mum

  Bravo, Francois!

  I was in an alcoholic marriage for 9 years. I was not a JW at the time, as I was married a second time after leaving the JW's.

  What ended the marriage. My husband got to the point where he was drunk around the clock. One night when the alcoholic was particularly abusive, my daughter was driving us (me, my daughter and 2-year-old granddaughter) to a hotel for the night. We were pulling out of the driveway when the alcoholic jumped onto the hood of the car and started beating the car with his fists. He jumped on top of the car, pounded several dents into the top of the car, and broke the windshield. Fortunately, my daughter kept a cool head and got us out of there.

  I went back after that, but not for long. The abuse went on. I was never abused physically, but in every other sense of the word, I was abused badly.

  Apparently, despite what they tell you in Al-Anon, he knew just what he was doing. He wanted me to unload the kids and come back so that I could devote myself to enabling him full-time. After getting away and getting a better perspective, I realized that it was better to stay away. After I began to ridicule his professions of "love," he stopped trying to get me back. I remain his friend, but from a couple of thousand miles away, which makes it much easier.

  The only way one can remain in an alcoholic relationship is to have an unlimited tolerance for abuse. My father was an alcoholic, too, but my mom had a supportive and loving family which gave her strength to tolerate it and also a place to get away for a while if necessary.

  However, having a tolerance for abuse to yourself is one thing. No one should have a tolerance of an abusive environment for a child to grow up in. Believe me, I know.

  I spoke to my minister, and he supported my decision to leave. He said that it would be ridiculous to live a masquerade "for the sake of the institution of marriage." Bless him.

  Regards,
  Mum

  Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

  I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix
• 

  ThiChi

  What ever happened to “for better or for worse?” I hope one would get help first................
• 

  WildHorses

  What ever happened to “for better or for worse?” I hope one would get help first................

  The alcoholic has to want help first. No one can force them to seek help. I know this for a fact as I too have been in an alcoholic relationship. When you continue to stay, you are in fact saying it is ok for them to continue drinking.

  
  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

  Eleanor Roosevelt
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  Farkel

  Greetings FP,

  In the late 1970's I took the "est" training. It was a great experience for me. During one of the sessions, a woman got up to share. She was married to an alcoholic and started to tell her sob story to the trainer. He stopped her mid-sentence and said, "I will tell you what to do. You're married to an alcholic, right?" "Yes," she replied. "Well, then buy him another bottle," he answered.

  The whole audience including myself was shocked! How horrible! How cruel! We weren't ready yet to see the wisdom in his statement. She protested vigorously, and he kept telling her to buy him another bottle.

  It finally dawned on all of us what he was getting at. She could not "change" him, and if she wanted to stay with him, she had to accept him just the way he was, and that meant "buying him another bottle." The only one who could change him was himself.

  Others may not agree with this approach, but it makes a lot of sense to me. There are only two options for the non-alcoholic spouse:

  1) Buy another bottle for the alcoholic
  2) Get the hell out of that situation

  You wisely chose option two in your life. Option one is only for those who get a bang out of enabling, and believe it or not, that option works in some people's lives. To each his own.

  Farkel

  "I didn't mean what I meant."
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  Francois

  A thousand pardons FreePeace if I have imputed to you, and I have, a desire to help someone learn how to stay in an alcoholic relationship. I should have known better than to think that someone with your obvious level of sophistication and intelligence would essay such an impossibility.

  My fallback position when dealing with women in abusive relationships of whatever kind is to recommend reading Susan Forward's, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them." It's amazing how many women recognize themselves and bug out. Lucky them.

  As for getting help, alcoholics typically don't seek help until they are at the bottom of the barrel with nothing else to lose and with nowhere to go but up. Why hang around for that?

  Francois
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  mommy

  You know you hear the stories of an alchoholic that has reached his bottom, and then decides he/she needs to quit drinking? I think it is the same as the person who lives with one. They reach a point when it is no longer bearable and they want out. I do know of many situations that a partner is comfortable with the other person being an alchoholic, and actually stay in the relationship for years with no problems.

  I was with a man for 3 years and married to him for less then 6 months, when I reached my bottom, and got out. I know if I never had my daughter, then I would probably still be in that relationship.

  Alot of lonely nights when they are passed out. Alot of misunderstandings because you are dealing with a person who's mind is altered. Alot of "I am sorry." Alot of making up. Alot of times you miss out on other things because beer is bought first. Alot of nights taking care of your partner instead of being partners.

  I can honestly say towards the end of our relationship, I was going to Al-Anon. And he was in AA, we also were in counseling. He made alot of efforts to quit drinking and smoking pot, and we came to a point in therapy that the therapist wanted his mom to come in and discuss some issues with us. I feel this was the downfall. She denied he was an alcoholic, and said he had no problems, and wished that we would just leave him alone. Of course he took this and ran with it, becasue he wanted to hear it. And he went back to drinking and smoking again, and his abusive behavior. We were so close, but he was not and is not ready, he is drinking to this day.

  I agree with Farkel, and it is something that Al-Anon taught me. I had only 2 choices, live with it, enabling him, or get out and save my sanity. I chose my sanity, and safety. It was not the easy way, trust me, we had already split up and got together again numerous times. But when I decided enough was enough it was final.

  I think the biggest thing to help a person who is living with an alchoholic is to, make a list of things that are missing in their lives, or things that are altered due to living with this disease. Honestly going over every aspect of your life is hard to do, but worth it to see it on paper.

  I will be interested to read your paper when you are finished with it. I may have some more to add, but will email you later with it.
  wendy

  When I leave, you will know I have been here
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  Mum

  Yes, Francois, that is an excellent point that alcoholics do not get help until they hit bottom. I have an addicted brother and had an addicted husband. Both have such felicitous lives with guaranteed incomes that it is impossible, short of some global cataclysm, for that bottom to be reached.

  Hitting bottom is a disguised blessing for those who experience it. It is being forced to come face to face with the truth that brings about change.

  Seize the day, and put the least possible trust in tomorrow. - Horace

  I have learned to live each day as it comes and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. - Dorothy Dix