Questions for Those in an Alcoholic Relationship (page 2)

RedhorseWoman

What keeps me in the relationship? Good question. The main thing is that I am probably too stupid to give up....to admit that there is no hope.

In some ways this attitude is good, because it has allowed me to overcome many things that others said were impossible. With this issue, however, the solution is not in my hands, but in his.

Although I realize this, and am going on with my life....which is rather strange because I oftentimes feel like a widow already....I find it nearly impossible to give up and get out.

He does try, albeit not very successfully, and the major problem is that I'm left on my own most of the time while he drinks himself into a stupor. I have my friends and my activities, and I do regret that most of the time I have to do things by myself, but I'm just not ready to throw in the towel yet. Foolish....yes?

Farkel

RedHorseWoman,

: Although I realize this, and am going on with my life....which is rather strange because I oftentimes feel like a widow already....

That is a perfectly normal reaction. I read once that wives of alcoholics view those bottles in exactly the same way as they would view a husband's mistress: the bottle gets all the time, love and attention, and the "wife" gets left-overs, if any.

Take care and do what's right for you.

Farkel

"I didn't mean what I meant."

RedhorseWoman

I read once that wives of alcoholics view those bottles in exactly the same way as they would view a husband's mistress:

This is absolutely true....and very, very sad. Although he cares deeply, the alcohol rules. When it calls, everything else is put aside.

Thanks for your good thoughts, Farkel.

think41self

RHW,

You have my sympathies. I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years. Most people don't realize it, but it takes alot of strength to stay with one for so long. You have to be good at doing things alone...and taking care of yourself.

For me, I reached a point where I just had no more to give. I had all the joy and vibrancy for life sucked right out of me. I was doing all the giving...and maintaining my own emotional well being...and the well just ran dry one day. He wasn't an evil man...and he probably still loves me to this day, but I had to get out of that relationship to save myself, or my kids would have had no stable adult in their lives. I don't know if it will come to that for you, but you have my sympathies and support wherever you're at.

think41self

Holy Flying Screaming Buddha, Batman!

Yerusalyim

Someone said earlier that no one wants to be in a relationship with a drunk. The exception to that rule is the Co-Dependent I should think.

Remember, Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. I say that as a recovering alkie.

Many many marriages do survive with neither the Alcoholic or the spouse (usually an enabler) staying together. Yes, there generally is some type of emotional abuse, even if it's limited to dealing with a drunk.

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

siegswife

My husband's a recovering alcoholic. I stayed with him because I knew that inside he wasn't the person he became under the influence of alcohol. I'd had some problems with drugs when I was younger, and I can understand how someone can act in a way that is against their grain while under the influence.

Anyway, after our daughter was born, I became less understanding of his irresponsible behavior and angry outbursts. I did end up taking our daughter and leaving after he attacked me physically one night. We still kept in close contact, but I made it clear that I wasn't going to subject myself and our daughter to that environment any longer. I tried to encourage him to get help, and let him know that I would support his efforts to get a grip on his life. I guess that was his wake up call because he put himself in a rehab and continued with AA after he got out. He had to reach the point in his life where he wanted help and was willing to look honestly at his attitudes and behavior. I'm so glad that he did and that I didn't turn my back on him when he reached that point.

We reunited and have now been happier than we ever have for the past few years.

The way my faith factored in was that I couldn't hate or condemn him for his actions. It may have made me more forgiving in our early years when it became obvious to me that he had a problem. Perhaps I would have left sooner without it.

In any event, I had to put our daughters interests above his and mine. I was raised in a house with an alcoholic father and it had very detrimental effects on me and my siblings. I don't want that for her. I'm glad that he agreed.

Billygoat

Remember, Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. I say that as a recovering alkie.

Wow! This is so powerful. I've never thought about it that way. Yeru, thank you so much for sharing, but let me ask you a question: What keeps you sober?

Andi

Mulan

Hi Doug, I sent this post to my niece, at her work. No computer at her house. She is the one who left her alcoholic husband a few weeks ago.

She was happy to get this info, and said she really wanted to email you. But their email is monitered where she works (for the city) and she was afraid to do it, not wanting it to get onto the circuit, so to speak.

Anyway, this is really helping her. Good job!!

Marilyn (a.k.a. Mulan)

Yerusalyim

Andi,

You asked "what keeps you sober" The answer ... NOT DRINKING ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES! HA!
No, I rely on my higher power (yes AA really works) My higher power is God.

YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]

Billygoat

Yeru,

I've been in and out of Al-Anon for almost 10 years now. I believe the courage it takes to live a life of sobriety, is unbelievably admirable! I have a few friends that are alcoholic/drug addicts, some recovering some not. I have the utmost regard for those that have faced their demons and lived a healthy, fulfilling, fun life without the crutch of substance abuse. It makes me proud to be considered one of their friends. But the one common thread I've witnessed for those that are in recovery is exactly what you mentioned. A Higher Power. I find that interesting...

Andi

Questions for Those in an Alcoholic Relationship

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