For Oompa

by sd-7 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  sd-7

  It is with great reluctance that I attempt another entry. I'll keep it short. Oompa, I forgive you. I'm not good with people, and I'm new at this. I'm sorry for being long-winded. I'd seen quite a few long entries and thought it wouldn't be a problem. I'll be more respectful of your time in the future.

  I wasn't Brother Pioneer, in my heyday. But I loved the ideals that Jehovah's Witnesses represented to me. I loved those ideals. I would've died for them, knowing there was no better reason to die, nothing better to die for. It was the only world I ever knew, ever wanted to know. You probably understand that. I wanted to slit my wrists and just die after I found out I'd been lied to. I should have. Without this life, I feel I will become a monster.

  I'm lost, and I just want it to be over. I realize there are many who don't see it quite as seriously. Sometimes it is a joke, to be sure, but for my life, all the people I loved most are there and I can't live with the thought that they'll see me as the Devil for finding out the truth. It destroys me every second to walk amongst them still. Perhaps they trained me to be weak, to be stepped on all the time, and I learned it well. I doubt any of you really care. Or at least the fact is, ... it's different for each one. I'm not made of what you folks are. I'm weak, sensitive, incapable of being a friend or even trying to make friends. I don't belong here--not on this site, not even on this planet.

  So you were right, Oompa. It's not worth the time. I'm not worth your time. Perhaps I just didn't want to face the fact that anyone else could see that as clearly as I do. Thanks to those who reached out. But I have to stay away now, as I have nothing further to offer. I'm just not able to be amongst you. Take care of yourselves. If nothing else is left, keep fighting evil. Never compromise, not even in the face of Armaggeddon. Farewell.

  SD-7
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  VIII

  SD-7,

  I hope you are OK.

  I got that dvd from my Mom and honestly, I couldn't watch it. It brought back every bad memory of the Paradise book. I don't know if you remember that book; it was kind of coral colored and was made for kids from what I can recall. I remember taking crayons to it.

  You are not a monster. You are a very strong person who left a very strong cult. It is a cult. I left years ago so it is easier for me to talk about than someone who recently left. I still have contact with my Mom's side of the family, yet, it is difficult.

  Please don't feel that this site is a waste of time. It is a great place to learn about the feelings you have and the resources that you need to understand those feelings.. There are so many people here who went through what you did.

  Oompa sometimes just doesn't seem to take threads seriously. Don't let posts like his let you walk back into the cult or to hurt yourself.

  Armageddon is not going to happen. We all have come to accept that. We all have sat down and logically read information and thought about the lies we read and realized that they are just that. LIES. The JWs do not have the truth. It is a story. A made up fantasy to control people.

  Please let me and others here you are OK. PM me if you want. Please.
• 

  Hopscotch

  sd-7 I was looking forward to your 1984 post. My son recently read it and told me of the similarities to the WTS. So if you change your mind about staying on here I'd like to read what you have to say about the book. Don't let the WTS destroy the rest of your life.

  Hopscotch
• 

  Black Sheep

  sd-7. I'm sad to hear you are leaving already.

  Oompa is not representative of the forum. He is just one of us, with his own brand of quirkyness.

  We would all like to get all of the cult effects out of our lives right now, but it just doesn't happen like that. It takes time.

  Perhaps they trained me to be weak, to be stepped on all the time, and I learned it well.

  That is correct. It can be unlearned. Maybe you need to get professional help with it. Same thing if you are depressed. Seek help.

  Learning how to make friends outside a cult is a skill some of us lack. It takes me a lot of effort to put myself out there and cultivate friednships. Joining clubs and doing volunteer work can be very helpful.

  There is another forum at http://www.jwsupportforum.com/ It is down at the moment, but keep trying it. You may find it much homelier than this one.

  I sincerely hope you keep in touch.

  Chris
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  John Doe

  sd, if you're having serious thoughts of suicide, it's time to get some professional help. You don't have to live feeling that way. There's an entire world out there to enjoy.

  Have you read Combatting Cult Mind Control? In the book he talks about irrational feelings of guilt or anxiety that are programmed into people by cults. You may very well be feeling such effects. Heck, most of us here have been there.

  Bottom line is you need to dig down and find out what's making you feel like you don't belong anywhere. Once you discover the root of that anxiety and despair, you can begin to make positive changes and to become the person you want to be.
• 

  jamiebowers

  Dear sd-7,

  Much of what you've said on this thread is disturbing. I've read every single post you've made and went back and reviewed them again. I am NOT a counselor, but at least consider what I have to say. I really hope you come back to this site to at least read the responses to this thread.

  First of all, it is normal to be devastated over learning the truth about the "truth"; especially since you've been in since the age of 4. Second, if my math is right, you're only 27 years old. That's awfully young to be going through all of this alone. Third, you've mentioned a few times that you have depression.

  I'm bringing all of this up, because you've really over-reacted to the posts made by Oompa and a few other jokers on your "Wonders of Creation" thread. I know that this stuff is deadly serious to you, but please don't let it be the end of you. There is life after the Watchtower, and the hurt you feel is very similar to what Oompa feels. He just deals with it differently than you do. Unfortunately, he hurt your feelings in the process.

  Over the last few years I've spoken to many brokenhearted people who were in the process of leaving or had left the organization. You are not alone, and you will not become a monster. You aren't weak and friendless. You are an articulate, thoughtful young man who has a wonderful future ahead of him. You are educated and have the ability to think for yourself. You also have a forum here to write about your issues with the truth about the "truth", but you may need more than this. I think you need to see a medical professional about your depression.

  Not long ago I spent 4 hours on the phone with a young exjw who sobbed most of the time. And I told him this, "You are so young and have no idea how great life can be. I've got about 20 years on you, and I promise that when you get to be my age, you'll look back and see that about 10 percent was garbage, but 90 percent is pure gold." And now I'm telling you the same thing.

  But you must take care of yourself. No matter how hard it gets, just keep breathing. And sometimes leaving the "truth" hurts so bad you only have enough strength to breathe. But if you get help with your depression and learn how to surround yourself with quality people, you will be fine. I'm sending you a pm with my phone number. I really hope you use it, because I would be honored if someday you count me as a friend.

  Click on the little envelope on the upper right hand corner of the screen. You may have to try a few times due to error messages, but it will work eventually.
• 

  BabaYaga

  SD-7, please don't go!

  And please... please call someone you can talk to right now. You mentioned your therapist on another thread, can you call him/her?

  I just read your other threads, and I would love to see what you write about Orwell's 1984. It is interesting that you mentioned that... I just started a thread a few days ago asking what work of fiction helped to see the truth about the (T)ruth. 1984 was mentioned again and again. I'm sure there are many on here who would love to see what you have to say and discuss it.

  We are here for you. We have all been there. We have all felt what you are feeling.

  Please don't go.

  Love,
  Baba.
• 

  sd-7

  But what if I am a monster? Wouldn't my death be justifiable? There are all kinds of thoughts in dark corners.

  I've often talked about it, but could never really do it. Few months ago I had a knife to my hand, wanted to practice, but couldn't even break the skin. If dying weren't so expensive, it'd be worth it. Rather not place that hardship on my folks. That's pretty much the only valid reason I can think of. I spared myself 11 years ago. That was my best chance, to put a stop to this before it turned into what it is now. The more I see, the more I know I was wrong in letting myself live. I gave myself too many chances.

  But I'm nobody. Why do you even care? Even my attempt at being brief wasn't a very good one.

  You don't even know me. Why bother?

  Listen, I'm sorry for this entry. Okay? It wasn't anyone else's concern. I don't wish to upset anyone. I'll be fine.

  I know all about the effects of mind control. I always understood why people self-destruct when they leave. Because they let somebody else be their conscience. Or hand them a conscience and tell them how to use it. Once you leave, they take that away.

  Me? I found, to my surprise, that the very ones who encourage conscience find it unacceptable when you point it at them. That breaks my heart more than anything else.

  I will consider returning to discuss '1984' at a later time, when I have more energy and ability to think meaningfully.

  You know the funny thing, funny in that 'not-funny-at-all' way? I was waiting for a bus last night and someone who I'm sure is in another cult attempted to recruit me. I suddenly started to understand how people always saw us when we came to their doors. We couldn't even see that we could possibly be wrong. I learned that Jesus is black and that the Bible teaches reincarnation. Thankfully, I know that Jesus WAS Jewish, when he was on earth, and as a spirit being, a divine being, the human idea of race no longer applies to him anyway. Race, I believe, is a human notion that God never intended--he created everything else with variety, so why not appreciate the variety in ourselves just as we appreciate it in the animal and plant life? I also know that the Bible teaches only resurrection, not reincarnation.

  I realized quickly how easy it would be to be recruited into another cult--but since I read Steven Hassan's book (and am in the process of reading its sequel, Releasing the Bonds), I was ready. Could've handled it differently.

  Sorry. I'm getting carried away. I'm really depressed, but I'm fine. I'm okay. Thanks for being concerned.

  SD-7
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  VIII

  I am so glad you are OK.

  sd-7, if you are harming children you are a monster. Period.

  You are not. You are hurting emotionally.

  And, you are somebody. Somebody that is like many, many people here who have come and needed help before you. *We* are here for you. There are so many of us who have felt what you are feeling and wanted to do exactly that. You are not alone.

  This is a place where you can start to understand yourself and your background better. If you are seeing a therapist, with their help, and with the stuff you learn here, you can really understand and grow. It will happen.

  Please keep coming back. Read all kinds of threads. There are some interesting people here.
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  undercover

  sd-7, I'll repeat what others have said...seek counseling or therapy if you have any thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

  As for oompa...I've talked to the guy and while his posts are hard to dechiper at times (I like to make fun of his posting style and he knows it) he is hurting too. He's gone through a lot in the last few months and he's trying to come to grips with shit too. It's interesting to see how he comes across on the board compared to how he communicates in person or on the phone. He's really a funny guy, smart and quick.

  I think if you had the chance to talk to him as some of us had, I think you'd see a different guy, probably someone who you could relate to more than you think.

  I wish you well on your recovery from the WT cult...