Every so often, I look back on old threads, and this one definitely stood out in my mind after Oompa's untimely death. I had made a long-winded thread (most of mine still are) and he made a snide remark and I took offense at the time, but I got over it. I guess...in hindsight I realize just how pathetic I sounded back then, especially compared to him, and the bigger problems he had, and how it sadly brought him down to the point where he gave up altogether.
I guess...it's particularly poignant since my thread here clearly had some thoughts of suicide. Thankfully, I managed to beat them, with inner strength and the support of some great people on this site, especially Jamiebowers, who became like my lifeline through some of the toughest stuff that happened over the course of my marriage and struggling to get past the indoctrination and emotional abuse.
I don't know if I was lucky, but I do know that I don't find myself pondering suicide anymore, I've got so much to live for and to explore and to be, really. Even with everything that happened, even with a sub-par marriage and the specter of JWs hanging over my life probably forever, I'm closer than I have ever been since childhood to actual, real happiness.
I have experienced to an incredible degree in the past few years the meaning of the statement "knowledge is power". I've been able to grow so much through understanding what was done to me. Now I feel like I can do anything, if I really want to.
It's still tough. I occasionally talk about the marriage problems I've had, and there are moments when the feeling of depression or helplessness takes hold again, for awhile. Money's tight, I'm sole breadwinner, there are lots of late nights, there's still the JWs and sometimes elders giving me trouble, etc., etc. Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out. There was one night I was just heading out to the grocery store and I felt so sad that I literally could not get out of the car for an entire hour. I had this overwhelming sadness come over me, and I thought about just driving away and leaving everything and everyone behind. Just go as far as I could before I ran out of gas and money. But that's just not me.
There's still work to do, things to learn, a journey to undertake and see to its end. A child of my own to raise, and a child not of my own who I have taken in and watched grow in leaps and bounds. And a wife to cherish and try to forgive and understand and take care of. Maybe there will come a time when Atlas will shrug, if you will, but today, I'm still holding 'em on my shoulders as steadily as I can. They're all I have left now, apart from you guys, most of whom I've never met and will probably never meet.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I just wish I'd had the clarity of perspective back then that I have now. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so worked up back then and started this thread. I was so close to freedom then, and so far away. That said, I'm glad I didn't hold dear Oompa's remarks against him back then, and I kinda wish I'd gotten to know him a bit better...he seems like he was a great guy, with so much on his shoulders.
Sorry if this one makes anyone sad all over again. I do think of him from time to time, though and this thread has often been on my mind since his passing.
--sd-7
