Your rant is priceless and soooo true,
needs to be in the BEST OF section,
All the best to you,
purps
Dating in the Real World...
by darkl1ght3r 32 Replies latest jw experiences
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whathehadas
Man this is one of the areas where being a JW is a killer for me! I never really had a date as a JW. I wish I could go back in time and go after all the "wordly" girls that like me. Watchtower, I can't help myself if I like the tatoo, cursing, short dress wearing girls you so admantly talk against. OH what a lonely guy could do with a girl....not just sex but to CUDDLE.
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flipper
DARKLIGHTER- I think Jamiebowers suggestion is a good one. Definitely don't follow WT society rules in looking for a lady to date. Because as you stated you'd like to date a woman who " actually have brains and use them. The ones who come equipped with their own thoughts, feelings, desires , and Kung Fu grip. " JW women are all programmed to be in love with Jehovah, er, the WT society and are mind controlled .
So you are on the right track wanting to date an intelligent, open minded, kind woman. They are out there- just have to look in the right places. I was like you in the dating world post JW experience - and I hooked up with some should we say " interesting " women some with bizarre fetishes , some were selfish or too horny for just being with one guy , some had temper problems - I found out later it was her Methamphetamine use. Having been JW's we ARE somewhat green and innocent in recognizing character flaws in people as we newly exit into this big world !
So- several years ago after having gone through several girlfriends in a 6 year period - I decided to join E-harmony .com. Wasn't gonna leave going on dates to random chance anymore. For me- it was the best move I ever made in the dating world. I met Mrs. Flipper there and we have so much in common it's great ! The E-harmony folks match you up on 29 points of familiarity and common interests. You fill out a multiple choice questionairre and answer lots of questions about anything that's important in determining if somebody is compatible. Similar hobbies, interests, values, your views of sex, drugs, politics. entertainment, your personality type, emotions, logic, etc. It's only about $ 35.00 per month- or was almost 4 years ago when I did it.
The thing I liked about it is you find out important things about the other person within 6 to 8 months that you NEED to know- instead of investing 3 or 4 years and then- because someone has been dishonest ONLY THEN after all the time investment they expose something about themselves which blows your mind and you come crashing to earth. I like the out in the open up front approach E-harmony encourages. So it's something you may want to consider. It's a " safe " way of dating and communicating. E-Harmony gives you your own E-mail to communicate with the lady so you don't even have to give out your personal E-mail until you know it is going to go somewhere in the relationship. So give me a call sometime - I'll explain more if you'd like to hear ! Good luck bro ! I feel what you are going through. Hang in there
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darkl1ght3r
bluecanary! Exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for. Great post... some real food for thought there.
First of all... my own website? Hmmm... that takes WAY more of an attention span than I'm capable of sustaining. But I appreciate the props. Maybe a blog?
Drop my "hot-girl" obsession?!?! 'Tis easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for me to... well you get the picture. You might as well ask me to not be a guy. Your ex-jw friend is a woman. It's way easier for a woman to make that kind of decision than for a guy. But I agree... who knows where things will go for me? I'm still exploring this new place I'm in.
Water seeks its own level. If you are "broken" for whatever reason, you are going to attract a girl who's in the same place. And those relationships don't usually turn out well. Get yourself fixed first. (Insert neutering joke here.)
That's deep. So true. I am broken. That's what I attracted. And that's where we ended up. I don't know how to fix myself (pun!)... Just time I guess. And effort, I don't give up easily and I'm always trying to improve myself. So yeah, just time.
Love enters a man through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Men can get away with a lot more in the looks department because, even though a woman does care what he looks like, she cares more what he acts like, what he tells her and what his reputation is to others.
YOU need a website. That's also true. And unfortunate for me.
Nice guys don't get the girls. There are generally two possible reasons for this. First, because he's not as nice as he thinks he is. A guy can be all sweetness and affection to his girl, but if he's rude to the waiter, forget it.
There's my problem! I'm nice! I've been told I'm too nice... even to a FAULT! It just takes alot to phase me and get me pissed off. I'm always nice to my waiter/waitress cuz I used to be one. I'm a big tipper.
Second, he's too nice, to too many people. Women want to be special. They like the "bad boy" because he's tough and assertive, but when he's with her and only with her, he's a teddy bear. That doesn't mean you have to join a biker gang, but confidence (not arrogance) will get you farther than being meek, self-deprecating or passive.
Hmmm... I am nice to everyone. But I also see the need to make the Woman feel special. In fact I used to over do that in the past. I would find out that a girl liked me back, and I'd smother her with attention. I figured out pretty quick to stop doing that. I wonder if I've swung back too far in the other direction? I'm much more emotionally reserved than I used to be. I keep it all bottled up.
I used to kinda be good at the "bad boy" shtick when I was growing up. Or at least I THOUGHT I was. I don't like to work on cars, watch football, or wear dirty laundry... I actually like cleaning house. But I do lot's of other 'tough guy' stuff. I rock climb and train at MMA and Muay Thai kickboxing... Alot. And I'm good at it. I even spar alot. AND I LOVE IT. I routinely show up at work with black eyes, a bruised nose, a fat lip, and limping. I'm even considering actually fighting at an amature level. That's pretty tough, right? Outside of that, I'm sooooo non-aggressive though. Am I still a "bad boy"? I'm confident, but also passive alot. I just don't like puffing myself up to appear to be more than I am... but I have noticed that guys who do that often have women following them around. Now there's something to be said about the QUALITY of those women... but... yeah.
But that reminds me of something I've noticed that frustrates the HELL outta me! Some women will pass up the perfect man of their dreams to obsess and fawn over the drunk asshole whos dumped them 5 times, cheated on them, talks down to them... ahhhhhgh! (I think that's what happened with the 20 year old actually.) Why? That makes no f*cking sense! I'm sane (shut-up, yes I am), I have a good job, I'm nice (and proud of it), I'm physically fit, and i think I have a good sense of humour? But I guess I should start taking Asshole lessons.
Please, please... more feedback of this nature.
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mrsjones5
"Love enters a man through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Men can get away with a lot more in the looks department because, even though a woman does care what he looks like, she cares more what he acts like, what he tells her and what his reputation is to others."
i have to say that this is so true...
Josie
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saywhat29
You know I think we all do this but we have this tendency to somehow think that the JW past has left us somehow deformed and effed up more than most when compared to others without remebering that most people are deforemed and effed up in lots of others ways to and they had the 'normal' upbringing we all claim that we wish we had instead of the ones we were given.
For example, you say how you are 29 years old and don't know how to date. I'm 22 and I still don't know how to 'date' (in the traditional 'go out to a movies, talk, court' kinda stuff. I just call that hanging out). A co-worker of mine is going through a divorce from a man she has been with since she was in her teens is turning 40. She doesn't know how to date either and yesterday all I heard was "What do i do..I don't do this a lot, oh my god I feel so stupid I don't know how people do this and what to do next...do i ..do I call him or is it too soon!!!?!?!"
She was so adorable.
If you just say 'Look, where I'm from I didn't get a lot of experience in the dating department. We just weren't raised like most people were when it came to seeing people when growing up a JW." Most people will get an idea (maybe not totally grasp it but they will get that you aren't wise to the obvioin Dating 101) . People write into columnists each and every week wondering what to do on dates so this knowledge you feel a lot of people have isn't really true. Most people are stumbling bumbling fools at first and its rare for someone to just naturally have it, you know.
I damn sure dont. i talk about really geeky stuff and ramble like hell and become overly sexual to save myself after I feel like Ive said something stupid. Because at least he'll like me in the en, you know?
People hire matchmakers to teach them how to date, read tons of books to get a grasp of the opposite-sex, same-sex and how to deal with them in all sorts of situations. They go to family members and ask them all sorts of info in exactly 'What the f*** is wrong with him/her and what do I do?!"
So I personally don't think you/I/we are *that* effed up from the Watchtower as you think you are. Inept at things others learned early in life, yes, but all those lessons you think you missed out on could be the things people would pay someone to miss out on (getting dumped over and over again, having friends involved in your relationship, dating an friend of a friend, messing with a friend's ex, who gave you crabs... I tell ya my 'wordly' friends had some good times)
So I say cheer up and don't worry. I won't tell you 'she's out there' because I don't kow if 'he's out there' for me and why give you false hope I can't give myself? But what I will say is that each and every date you learn something new and its better to be interesting than another guy some girl has to go out on a date with who'll impress her with the normal bs of what he drives/does/bench presses or who he knows.
You can say ,"I was in a cult for a couple of years, haven't spoken to my family in a while, and throughout it all am happier than ever- can you pass the pepper?"
And then she'll go, "REALLY? OMG I never met anyone whose been in a cult before- tell me all about that..." Make it more funny rather than a sob story and you'll look cooler. If it appears like you are still going through the painful emotional stuff of it all (and really when Aren't we going through the bs of it all with family still in it?) then she'll see you as a problem to add to your life (although some women LOVE taking care of broken guys so exeptions to every rule).
Be honest and turn your so called hinderance into an interesting fact about yourself. Own it and werk betchcakes.
And there you go. And the bad dates you go on, take them as someone saving you the time of being in a 6-month boring going nowhere relationship... and just try to get some. No reason you both cant make a good thing out of no thing, you know?
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Psychotic Parrot
I'm 21 & i've never really dated either. I just fuck around. Much more fun.
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darkl1ght3r
Mr. Flipper - Ugh... Online dating. I don't know man. Thanks for the suggestion and I'll definately give it some thought. And I didn't want to admit it, but my "new" family pointed it out to me several times, that one certain things... I'm very green and naive. And THAT is a direct result of how I was raised. So, yeah, totally agree with you there. Hey, I look forward to talking again!!!
Hey SayWhat... You sure you're 22? I think you're wise beyond your years. Good post.
I don't mean to sound like I blame the Watchtower for everything I feel is wrong in my life, I look around at "worldly" people I know who never had to deal with a cult, and my circumstances are better than 90% of them. The only thing that holds me back that is directly from them are the emotional scars that are still fresh from a rough exit. But yeah, you're right, I do need to focus less on the "Woe is me" aspect of everything, and start really focusing on all the good things I've got going for me. And I've got alot, really. I know I've got a ton of potential, I guess I'm just sacred that I'm running out of time to realize it.
So I personally don't think you/I/we are *that* effed up from the Watchtower as you think you are. Inept at things others learned early in life, yes, but all those lessons you think you missed out on could be the things people would pay someone to miss out on (getting dumped over and over again, having friends involved in your relationship, dating an friend of a friend, messing with a friend's ex, who gave you crabs... I tell ya my 'wordly' friends had some good times)
That is awesome. You are so right. What exactly did I miss out on? Do I really even want that kind of "experience"? Great perspective. I'll take that with me.
You can say ,"I was in a cult for a couple of years, haven't spoken to my family in a while, and throughout it all am happier than ever- can you pass the pepper?"
And then she'll go, "REALLY? OMG I never met anyone whose been in a cult before- tell me all about that..." Make it more funny rather than a sob story and you'll look cooler. If it appears like you are still going through the painful emotional stuff of it all (and really when Aren't we going through the bs of it all with family still in it?) then she'll see you as a problem to add to your life (although some women LOVE taking care of broken guys so exeptions to every rule).
Be honest and turn your so called hinderance into an interesting fact about yourself.
Great points! Yeah, I know how depressing it can be to be around someone who can only seem to talk about how bad their life suks. It really is a state of mind thing that WE CAN actually control. You can let a situation make you depressed and sad and you can project that negativity on everyone you meet. Or you can try to find the humor in the situation and learn from it, let it make you stronger.
Own it and werk betchcakes.
Um. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say.
(What does that mean????)
Haha, yeah the best part of this whole experience is everything I've learned in the last year has really helped me grow as a person and start to come into 'my own'. I've gained more prectical experience in the last year than the last 10 in the cult. I'm thankful to be in such a good place right now, with a whole world to explore. I just want to make the most of it. I'm overall a very optimistic person when considering the whole scope of things, I just tend to get bogged down in the gritty details, and sometimes pessimism sets in.
Thanks for the words, everyone.
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darkl1ght3r
Psychotic Parrot - Yeah, fucking around sounds like a great option if I could find someone to fuck around with. lol You make it sound like it's easy. Maybe for you. I'm really not the 'one-night-stand' kind of guy though. Not opposed to it... I just don't pursue it I guess.
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dinah
Your post made me laugh, not at your situation....but at the advice we were given as teens.
Whoever made the comment that you don't get to know another person but rather their Cult Personality, nailed it.
How happy we all were to get this practical advice on dating and relationships from the Governing Body! *insert wild applause*