Dating in the Real World...

by darkl1ght3r 32 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  I have no practical experience either, but I'll share some good advice I've received.

  First, know yourself and what you want. Part of that is serious reflection, but most of that is... dating. Don't automatically narrow yourself to one person or think that a conversation is the start of courtship. Just meet someone for coffee or a drink sometime... no big deal.

  Maybe already have something in mind that you have in common to talk about, like travel, sports, fitness, or whatever. Again, no big deals about digging up family, children, headship, or heavy issues. If you can't click on simple conversation with somebody, how are you going to talk about a budget?

  You eat lunch out during the week? Arrange to eat with someone. No big deal, you both will have to get back to work, so it won't turn painfully long. At least start with circulating so you can see what's out there, what they do/don't like about you, what is/isn't important to you.

  As a nice guy, don't let the fear of "breaking up" stop you from starting something. You're past the teenage drama and the JW "dating is only for marriage". If it isn't working, both can and should come to terms with parting.

  Good luck
• 

  bluecanary

  Drop my "hot-girl" obsession?!?! 'Tis easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for me to... well you get the picture.

  I didn't say you had to drop it, I said you may need to get it out of your system. And it may be that you'll need to attempt a few more shallow relationships before that happens. I just recommend self-awareness. If you're going to hold hotness as a priority, be aware of the likely results of doing so

  I'm always nice to my waiter/waitress cuz I used to be one. I'm a big tipper.

  High five from a fellow former-server and member of the big tipper club.

  Some women will pass up the perfect man of their dreams to obsess and fawn over the drunk asshole whos dumped them 5 times, cheated on them, talks down to them.

  This is both due to water seeking its own level and the need to feel special. When a man beats a women, there are periods in between when he can be the sweetest most affectionate person on the planet (no I'm not speaking from experience). I've heard from women in those situations that it's like a drug. They live for that brief time when he's so loving. Obviously, it's unhealthy and those women need professional help, not a white knight to come save them from a crappy relationship.

  That's the other thing: some nice guys have White Knight Syndrome. They like to rush in and save the damsel in distress. This creates an inequality of power, with the knight taking more power and responsibility. The knight unconsciously craves this because he is insecure about his own flaws. Another unhealthy relationship. And women who enjoy being damsels will never be satisfied with one rescue. They will constantly create drama to keep the knight busy. A vicious cycle.

  Try getting yourself a book on dating. Not the "how to bag a chick with a really great line" variety (unless that's what you want) but a guide on real dating, preferably from a female author who can give a woman's mindset. I recommend. Dr. Laura's 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives. She does a chapter called Stupid Chivalry about nice guys and why they're not getting what they want.

  I think you're a natural for online dating. The only "online" part is your profile. You can definitely write yourself a funny and intriguing profile that will make girls want to know you. You've made everyone here want to know you! Just stick to your immediate area for contacting girls. Once she's read your profile and likes what she sees, you go on a real world date and the computer part is done. At least, that's how I did it. I used OKCupid.com. Totally free. If you decide to go that route and want help critiquing a profile, pm me.
• 

  Lillith26

  I remember my first real date- Dinner, a movie and a romantic walk and talk... our eldest son was only 8 weeks old and at home with a babysister- that was over seven years ago now.

  I skipped the "dating" process with my husband- we had known each other for a few years as friends and two days before my 18th birthday something just clicked- we moved in together and 3 months later baby No1 was on his way- everyone said we were crazy, that we were too young, it wont last blah blah blah.... 8 years later we are married, now have 3 kids, still in what most people call the honeymoon period and trying for number 4! It has been a roller coaster ride of quick thinking and NO planning that for us has just worked for us!

  My advice- stop looking and trying so hard- just let it happen, go with the flow and always be yourself! Your a very likable guy and if i wasn't so blissfully happily married I'd date you!