ALL ABOUT PALMTREE - THE FINALE
Now, where was I? Oh ya,....
I got the hell out of there. Hardest thing I've ever done because I had to leave my daughter. She knew I was leaving and we had talked about why. I told her I wasn't leaving her, just her dad. And that I was worried he would treat her the way he treated me. (He already was to an extent, always telling her she was lazy, berating her, any excuse to lecture her.) But she said something that amazed me. She said, "Yes, but when he treats me that way, it doesn't affect me the way it affects you because I'm not married to him."
Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that it affects her and I try to combat it as much as possible.
Anyways, I couldn't stay in that city. His family is prominent, they own many businesses and his family is friends with the mayor, etc. I would've never been able to find a decent job there. About 8 months before I left, he had completely cut me off financially, moved everything into accounts that I had no access to. He paid the bills and the mortage, but I was required to pay for all groceries and anything to do with me and the kids. Our son lived in another city, so if I wanted to see him, I had to pay to wither fly him in or drive there at my expense. Money was always how he controlled me. In planning my exit, I also wrote my GED and passed. I didn't tell him what I was doing.
I had a good friend who had gotten df'ed a couple of years before. And even though I had only limited contact with her for those 2 years, I asked if I could stay with her when I left. (Her JW husband had previously left her high and dry and when that happened to her, I made her mortgage payments for 3 months til she got on her feet.) She said of course I could stay with her, but she was afraid that I was in no condition to make the drive. She got on a plane to meet me and then we drove 8 hours to her place.
I was only there about 6 weeks when my husband tracked me down. He and the elders wanted me to come back and face the music for what I had done. I did feel really bad about cheating on him. They convinced me that the best thing for me was to come back. They gave me a 3 day time limit or I would be df'ed immediately. I was in such a blurred state by then, I didn't know what to do. I ended up going back.
I have to say that the elders were kind, but firm at my JC. They decided NOT to df me. At first I viewed it as a second chance at everything, maybe my husband got the message, maybe things could work out. I was privately reproved. We had several meetings with the elders to "counsel" us and they really did give my husband some very pointed counsel. i remember they made him read the scripture about husbands are to "cherish" their wives. They asked him, what did that mean in a practical sense? You know, he couldn't come up with one thing.
I stayed for almost 6 weeks. Unfortunately, they had told my husband that if we slept together, that constituted forgiveness and once again, I would be stuck with him. So, he spent the entire 6 weeks hounding me to sleep with him. I knew he was just doing it to trap me there forever.
One morning, I got up, put the last of my stuff in the car and told him I was going to my grandmother's. I was still thinking the private reproof was my second chance. At least that's what they kept telling me. My grama took me in, happily. She is probably the only one who knows absolutely everything and she could see there was no way I could live with that man any more. The congregation there was nice and I thought I could settle down ther, and my daughter would come and live with me when I got a job.
Unfortuneatly, my parents also lived there. My mother bad-mouthed me to the sisters, my father harrassed me about everything. I found out they wer reporting everything I did or said back to my husband. One weekend I was invited to go away with friends. They told my ex and all hell broke loose. He told the elders there and they called the elders where I was, and I was told I couldn't go. i thought, "WTF???? I'm 40 years old and I can't go away for the weekend without okaying it with my parents and the elders?" Noooooooo, because I was an adulterous harlot who was now sleeping with EVERYBODY!! My parents helped my husband steal my truck, so I had nothing left. They drove it half-way to him and turned over the keys to him. He had illegally re-registerd it in his name, and re-plated it.
Shortly after I got to my grama's, an old friend contacted me. He had moved away from the city years before but we had kept in touch. I had let alot of my friendships slide in the year before I left, I just couldn't talk to anyone about it all. But he had heard that I had leeft and was getting a divorce. He heard that my ex was harrassing me everywhere I went. He told me that he had been in love with me for 10 years and he had moved away so as not to cause trouble for me. At first I told him that I couldn't even think of being with anyone until I was divorced. Also, he is 8 years younger than me and i worried he might want kids one day and I would be depriving him of that. He had to convince me he never wanted kids anyways. The year on the run and moving around had drained what little money I was able to save up before my exit. He sent me a credit card in my name, drawn on his account. When things got really bad with my parents, (huge screaming matches in which they called me all kinds of names, accused me of lying about my ex, because he denied everything.....) I was a basket case and knew I would have no peace there.
Finally, he called me one night and said, "I can't stand you being treated like this by everyone. I've watched it for years and I can't watch it any more. Please just come to me and I will look after you."
Within an hour, he had a plane ticket for me, leaving the next morning. I knew we would both be df'ed now. And we were. My ex tracked me down again, my dad called the elders here and they met with us. We had left them no choice.
So, now, the really strange part is this: Although my life is in total chaos right now, I feel happier and safer than I ever have before. "M" is very good to me, good to my kids, good for me.
One thing my ex used to do was, when I made supper, he dished up first and often didn't leave enough for everyone else. "M" remembers visiting us and thinking that wasn't right (among other observations). So, after I cook, "M" will try to get me to dish up my plate. You know, I can't do it. He will encourage me to do it, but I have actually started crying, because I can't do it. So, he dishes up my plate and hands it to me. And I don't always jump up and try to finish the job when he unloads the diswasher or starts doing laundry. I've never had a man do those things before!! And "M" is the first man who ever cooked FOR ME!! He makes the best eggs on Saturday mornings.
So, for the record, there is life after the JW's. And it's a good life. I wish my daughter was living with me, but she wants to finish school with all her friends. We talk every day and I send her money and when she comes here, we get her hair done and buy clothes and stay up til 2 am talking.
I got a great job here and am making good friends. I'm throwing a party this Saturday for "M" to celebrate him passing a big exam and getting letters behind his name!! There 30 people coming! So I better go now and continue the party-planning!!
Everyone here has been a big help in me getting to this point!! I am eternally grateful!!
