I need help in facing our abuser...

by cognac 36 Replies latest jw friends

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  cognac

  The thought of it scares me so much I can't even think straight... Just writing this makes my heart race like you wouldn't believe.

  I need to face my Dad and Mom. My Dad abused us, my Mom allowed the abuse. I need to face him with my two older brothers - the ones who got it the worst and who never faced them about it...

  I know my mind will go blank so I'm simply going to write out what I have to say and read it to them. I'm going to say how it affected me, how I see it affecting some of my brothers and sisters, and that my mother is just as much to blame.

  I'm going to give them a chance to try to explain. I hope out of all this for us to have some closure and healing.

  I will also bring up the JW thing. I will keep that part of it brief though. I will say how I don't know how to believe the JWs as a true religion when the abuse never seemed to affect there conscience and how they never felt the need to have a JC. How my father was the PO during all this and nothing was done. How in recent years the holy spirit supposedly reappointed him even though he did these things and nothing was done about it. I will say I that I've been told Jehovah will take care of things in his own due time and I believed it. But, how could Jehovah reappoint you through his holy spirit when this was never addressed?

  Anyways, what are your thoughts or suggestions on approaching my parents?
• 

  Heartbreaker

  Change that to sexual abuse, and I am in your shoes exactly. I am sorry you are going through this, take comfort in the fact that at least you have your siblings. Mine are not supportive of my stance, which albeit is new. They've forgiven and are actually close to our parents now. I'd love to read a follow up on this.
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  cognac

  I'm sorry heartbreaker. Do you think you would ever say something to them?

  I will make a follow up post to this. Although it might take a bit of time in putting all my thoughts together to present to them...
• 

  bluecanary

  I know my mind will go blank so I'm simply going to write out what I have to say and read it to them.

  That's what I would have recommended. Some other resources:

  http://www.pandys.org/articles/confrontingyourabuser.html

  http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_get_an_abuser_to_recognize_the_abuse_for_what_it_is

  http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

  Don't expect an explanation. Expect denial and accusing fingers turned back at you. Abuse often goes hand in hand with personality disorders (narcissism, sociopathy, etc) in which case the person isn't even capable of feeling remorse. If you're going to do this, do it because just saying it will make you feel better. Because more likely than not, their reaction isn't going to be a pleasant one.

  Good luck to you.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You can certainly read all the "help" here but be careful. Your situation is unique to you. You may need the guidance/advice of professionals.

  I don't have the knowledge of where to go, perhaps a forum for victims of abuse can help better: http://www.brokenspirits.com/
  
  Do some google research to decide where to start seeking help, or go to a therapist/counselor to tailor what you need to you personally. That is my highest recommendation, but I understand that costs money and many won't/can't do it.

  Proceed with caution as I have not checked each of these sites, but http://www.avhotline.org/ looks like the type of people that can steer you to where you want to go.

  Anyone abused by an elder or with JW-related abuse can use the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) at http://www.snapnetwork.org/
• 

  Farkel

  :Anyways, what are your thoughts or suggestions on approaching my parents?

  I was going to frame an answer, but this one by bluecanary is better than anything I could do:

  "Don't expect an explanation. Expect denial and accusing fingers turned back at you. Abuse often goes hand in hand with personality disorders (narcissism, sociopathy, etc) in which case the person isn't even capable of feeling remorse. If you're going to do this, do it because just saying it will make you feel better. Because more likely than not, their reaction isn't going to be a pleasant one."

  It is more likely than not that that is exactly the kind of reception you will get.

  Remember, Jehovah's Witnesses are the religion that shoots their own wounded by Dfing and BLAMES the wounded while they are shooting them. With that kind of mindset, it is unlikely your abusers will show any humanity towards you.

  Farkel
• 

  palmtree67

  My brothers and sisters and I did that same thing with my parents. (I wrote my story here "All About Palmtree")

  Neither parent apologised or acknowledged what had gone on. There was every excuse in the book given, my favourites were that we were just particularly bad kids, and that they felt we were no different than any other family.

  Before you confront them, you all need to figure out what it is you expect from the confrontation. If you are expecting an apology, it likely won't happen. How will you deal with that? If they don't acknowledge the abuse, you have to be prepared for that, too.

  Also, after you've said what you want to say, be clear about what kind of relationship you want with them NOW, outlining whatever boundaries you feel necessary.

  I don't regret my confrontation with my parents, it gave me closure and we basically just agreed to disagree about how we were raised. I have little to do with them now and I am at peace with my past.

  Good luck and a special hug to you,
• 

  looloo

  i think you will be suprised at how relieved you feel after the confrontation and how satisfying it is to stand up to an abuser and let out your feelings after imaging the scenario for years and unable to do it , i approached the man that raped my 13 year old child on a regular basis for months , got her pregnant (she miscarried ,because he beat her )and metally abused her , which she will probably never recover from as she self harms and has a eating disorder stiil 8 years later , i went to his place of work and said what i wanted to say , knowing that i couldnt possibly hit him because of the kind of work i do , no matter what ihe said to me , it was probably the most difficult thing i have ever had to do , he had just got released from prison after serving 18 months of a 3 year sentence that he got for abusing girls in the congregation years before he abused my daughter (my daughters charges were dropped at the last minute in a plea bargain ) so we had no justice and that man still walks the streets and is allowed to live with his children ! i even think he may have convinced the elders he was telling the truth (or some of them) so he could be back in a congegation sometime in the future and people just dont know the full story of what he is capable of ,scarey ! i was scared of him untill i confronted him but the confrontation cured me of my fear as i walked off with him swearing to jehovah that all the victims (that dont know each other ) told lies about him , pathetic ! confront them and be strong at least you have support , but dont expect any remourse ,all the best x
• 

  VIII

  cognac, I am so sorry for your pain.

  Bluecanary is correct: most abusers will not acknowledge the abuse and will try mind games on you. The personality disorders (them, not you) is all too common, which is why they abuse children with such abandon. Narcissism is a good thing to read up on.

  Reading from a script like that is a good idea. At least you can keep on point and when they try to interrupt of dissuade you, you will not lose your train of thought. I honestly don't know if you'll get closure or healing, but, getting to finally say *it* to them will at least make you feel so much better.

  PS: I told my mom about the things (severe abuse-verbal and physical and emotional) she did and said to me and my sister. I got a JW lecture and was told it was because children need to be handled severely so they will get Jehovahs spirit and we deserved it. Believe me when I say that sometimes true closure is never found unless you totally cut them off and get therapy. (I probably should-get therapy)
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  blondie

  My siblings and I confronted our parents...no apology...we were blamed for our sexual abuse. We were told we had seduced our father (starting at 5 years old, right!). My father is dead now, went to the grave without acknowledgement or apology. My mother is still alive but I haven't seen her for 7 years...she continues to be an abuser, none of my siblings see her.

  I would not recommend doing this alone and be sure to see a counselor or therapist who specializes in helping abused people. If you can't afford it, many places have a sliding scale pay program. Check with United Way in your area and see if there are any organizations they sponsor that deal with this.

  Finally, remember you have other people in your life that love and value you. You don't need your parents approval. In the end, your good feelings about yourself and acknowledging your good accomplishments are more important.

  Love, Blondie