I need help in facing our abuser... (page 3)

cognac

wow, Lady Lee... You story is so sad... I will never understand why people would deny something both people know happened. Did they really convince themselves these things didn't happen??? Thank-you for your advice. It is really appreciated.

Bumble Bee

Lady Lee, I got the same thing from my step mother, I did the best I could, followed with I'm sorry you thought it wasn't good enough and I'm sorry you think I'm such a monster. Tell me, does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that telling your step daughter, who you insisted call you mom, who is the only mother she's ever known, when you are upset with her about something, that she's glad she's not your REAL mother because you are such a horrible child?? Come on now, is that really doing the best you could???

At least come up with a better excuse.

BabaYaga

There is such marvelous advice on this thread! I agree with all who have said they will likely do everything in their power to deflect the blame and for you not to expect an apology. I am very happy to see Lady Lee on this thread. Her advice about the letter is beautiful.

I had someone in my life I could not confront (due to their own intense psychological issues.) A letter helped me anyway, more than you can imagine. I wrote everything, I held nothing back... and then I burned the letter. You have no idea how freeing that was. I felt more empowered with every spark that floated to the heavens. It was an exorcism for my hatred and it healed me.

Love and strength and wisdom to you, Dear Cognac.

Love,
Baba.

Lady Lee

cognac

I will never understand why people would deny something both people know happened. Did they really convince themselves these things didn't happen???

In my father's case he really believed he had a right to take what he wanted regardless of who his victim was. He was a violent psychopath. Mind you he also knew he could go to jail for it but maybe he thought the law was wrong.

As for my mother. . . her childhood was pretty bad - possibly worse although I am beginning to doubt that. Her way of dealing with her past was "It wasn't so bad". She never dealt with her mother's abandonment of her. Or the abuses her mother did to her. She would talk about it but never with any emotional content - just the facts.

And that is how she dealt with what happened to all of her kids. Just the facts, No emotion. No regret. No apology except "I did the best I could". Facts to her were easily pushed aside to cope with something better. I remember her telling my sister and I how much her mother loved kids. We both looked at her as if she was crazy and together said "No she didn't!" My mother looked at us and said "You're right". When challenged she could not deny it but it had to be very specific.

My mother's habit was to say perhaps she wasn't the best mother. That was my cue, as her care-taker, to remind her she did the best she could. But one time I just couldn't do that anymore. I didn't want to play her game. So one day when my brother was visiting and we were all around the table we started talking about our childhoods. I told a story of something that had happened and she came out with another of her lines, "I guess I wasn't a good mother sometimes." Cue to me to save her. Nope not again. I said, "No. Sometimes you weren't." Dead silence. But she never used those lines on me again.

I stopped playing her game and rescuing her. I refused to be her parent and kiss her boo-boos better. She was on her own and I wasn't going to hope that if I was her parent long enough maybe she would finally parent me. I was after all an adult now and quite able to parent myself.

Eventually it boiled down to if you don't want the truth don't ask me. Funny how she belongs to something that is called "the Truth" when she hasn't got a clue what that is. I speak MY truth

BB

Agreed. In my mother's story of how I was conceived and born there was a subtle message that she wished I had never been born. Definitely not a "best I could" story

Baba

A perfect example of how a confrontation letter never needs to be used in a face-to-face confrontation to be a powerful healing tool

VIII

Wow, Lady Lee, your Mother and mine are twins. Mine does and says exactly what your does. Same story with her own Mother too. I, just recently, confronted her and told her, face to face, to stop the lies--I refuse to hear them, etc. She immediately shut up. The whole "The Truth" issue is what kills me. She is a total hypocrite. I now have another book to read. Toxic Parents. Thanks for mentioning that.

This is a really good thread.

Cognac, I really wish you well and hope the best for you. Hugs.

cognac

Thanks for your reply Lady Lee...

What are your thoughts or anyone here's thoughts on what was going through there minds when there own husbands were actively abusing there child? Did they not feel anything? Did they want to step in and stop it? Did they think there own child deserved it???

You know, just as I typed this question out, I remember my mom uncompassionately stating my brother was bad and that he deserved it. I don't understand this from her because she also has the capability to be extremely loving, compassionate, and understanding person. I just don't get how she can be two such completely different persons...

jamiebowers

What are your thoughts or anyone here's thoughts on what was going through there minds when there own husbands were actively abusing there child? Did they not feel anything? Did they want to step in and stop it? Did they think there own child deserved it???

Everyone here has good advice, but I'm wondering how much good a confontation will do. Don't forget that special arrogance that jws seem to have. During one of the very few conversations I've had with my mom during the past 21 years of her shunning me, she told me that she always believed my accusations about my stepfather molesting me. BUT, she excused his actions, because, (and I quote her here), "The reason he did that was because we weren't having intercourse during our marital problems."

Now, my dear Cagnac, anyone who knows me knows that I am never at a loss for words, but my mother's response rendered me speechless! All those years of me feeling dirty and guilty and afraid to be home alone with this creep meant absolutely nothing to her. I don't think that the thought ever crossed her mind that if he had done the same thing to someone else's child or to another woman, he would've gone to jail!

cognac

"The reason he did that was because we weren't having intercourse during our marital problems."

I don't even know what to say. That's so disgusting... I'm so sorry...

Lady Lee

what was going through there minds when there own husbands were actively abusing there child? Did they not feel anything? Did they want to step in and stop it? Did they think there own child deserved it???

They justify it like everything else. There is always a good reason. My mother rationalizes that if I wanted the abuse to stop (with her common-law husband) I would have told her. Since I didn't tell her then I must have wanted it therefore it wasn't abuse. She refuses to accept that I knew she would send me away if I told so I stayed quiet. And I was right!!! When she caught him I was sent to foster care while he remained in the home.

No woman wants to believe that she married a child abuser. What does that say about her? Issues of What will become of us? Where will I go? How will I support a family without him? all come into play to help her justify her choices. That is the normal dysfunctional non-JW family. Then let;s add to this the WTS' stance on corporal punishment and that children should be beaten along with female submission and keeping the family toghether and keeping up appearances. There are such burdens placed on the women to shut up and be good submissive wives.

I just don't get how she can be two such completely different persons

I know when you read this you will realize that you knew the answer. We often hear about cognitive dissonance that JWs experience - believing two opposite things to be equally true and not seeing the conflict. Don't forget the cult self and the true self are two very different beings. Abuse, whether it is emotional, psychological or spiritual is the same thing. These mothers believe themselves to be loving parents (aren't all JW mothers loving?) At the same time they watch their husbandss abuse their children or abuse the kids themselves as don't see the abuse for what it is. Don't see the fear and pain in their children's eyes. To acknowledge that means they have failed and it takes a mature person to truly acknowledge their failures especially to their children.

Lady Lee

(((jaime)))

I truly don't know what goes on in the minds of these women. My mother KNEW her new boyfriend had sexually abused his daughters. And she still brought him into our home. She still let him stay after he was caught with her 13-yr old younger sister. She still l et him stay after she caught him in bed with me when I was 12. And she still let him stay knowiung she had a younger daughter in the house.

I don't get it. I never will.

I need help in facing our abuser...

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