hello all--new to board; my story

by razorMind 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  razorMind

  Hello everyone...hope all are having a great holiday season.

  ***WARNING--KIND OF LONG***

  I am brand-new here. I am 31 and have been "out" for an undetermined # of years...probably starting as soon as I moved out of the house at age 23. I just "drifted away".

  I was born into the JW faith. My parents remain devout and "zealous" to this day.(dad is a longtime elder.) I have 2 sisters. One was DF'd at age 19 (9 yrs ago) when she got pregnant out of wedlock. The other has been throughly brainwashed and not doing too well.

  I cannot begin to list the many ways this organization has torn my family apart. My DF'd sister cannot believe how our folks have just turned her away completely. I was the only one who dared touch her "evil spawn" (in my parent's eyes) when he was born. I was the only one (of the immediate family) who attended her wedding. She had a very bad time for a while after my parents put her out of the house, hooking up with awful men and being treated very badly. But she is doing great now.

  We were completely isolated from almost everyone; we lived in an extremely rural area. To make matters worse there weren't even any other "Witness" girls our age to makes things a little easier. (As one knows, these are the only "safe" peers a JW young girl can have.) I remember being a total recluse at school; entire school days would go by where I wouldn't use my voice AT ALL. I LIVED in books; I was tested as "gifted" and was invited to attend a small college at age 11(denied, of COURSE, because the program was sponsored by a church-HORRORS!) Nevertheless, in keeping with "theocratic admonition that the world could end at any time" (whatEVER), I was allowed to drift through my school years with no motive, no ambition, no drive, making only mediocre grades. Also, (while this may sound trivial) I looked different from other kids at school (not "Black" but not "White" either; school was not racially diverse), very small and skinny and a huge uncontrollable mane of long frizzy hair. My self-esteem could've been boosted a tiny bit if we'd been allowed to dress at least halfway up-to-date and I'd been allowed to style my hair just a LITTLE. I was and still am very shy and field service was an ordeal. I cannot remember our parents ever mentioning a word pertaining to sex; I had to learn from my voracious reading.

  My poor youngest sister was diagnosed by my parents (and the help of Awake!) as having A.D.D. For this reason she was successfully dissuaded from attending college of any type. She was also was allowed to drift through school. Upon graduation last year, she got married to a "young zealous brother" in spite of my pleas to further her education and live on her own a while.

  They now toil at menial jobs and have moved to a large city.(You absolutely would not BELIEVE the astounding artwork this girl can turn out) They rent an apartment at a rate far above their means, have no furniture, and she walks a 90-minute round trip trek through awful areas to get to and from work. (She HAD a brand-new car when they first moved there). She has put on an alarming amt of weight & literally has no clothing to wear. Her appearance deteriorates every time I see her. BUT, they are still in the "truth", and that's all that matters, right?!? She is clearly depressed and is doing the worst out of all us kids, but my parents think WE'RE the ones who are bad off.

  My biggest issue, the one that keeps me awake at night with fury, is the whole JW view on higher education. I basically feel that my whole life has been wasted. There are so many things I could've done & been. I'll probably never realize my dream of going to art school(so sad; many members of my extended family have strong artistic talents) go to another country, etc. etc. I foresee needing counseling sometime soon to help sort out a lot of issues I have.

  Anyway,if you have read this far, thanks for reading my story/vent. I hope it was easy to follow. I'm glad to meet all the other ex-Jw's here. Hope everyone is having a joyous holiday season.....
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  flower

  oh my goodness, i'm here in shock because i could have written nearly every word of this and it still is so wierd to me to know that other people when through the same things i did growing up. i'm new here too and its all still amazing to me to find a place like this and to finally have someone understand.

  i agree completely about the higher ed issue. its so unfair that i have to struggle for the rest of my life to provide for my son when i was intelligent enough to go to school probably on full scholarship. i was just like you..just drifted through school because i had to but had no ambition or motivation to make anything more than passing grades. its amazing that they dont see how they are ruining their kids possibilities of having a decent living by not educating them. after i started to drift away from the org i ended up spending almost 5 years working in a department store for nearly minimum wage. and even now at 29 i am not making enough to support myself and son so i am living with my JW family and miserable because of it. They have set me back so far in my career choices. I now have to figure out a way to finance an education and do it while being a single mother and working full time. Its truly unbelievable that they consider that to be in our best interests.

  i love you for posting this i am so happy i found this place

  flower
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  precious_lil_1

  Hello Razor,
  Welcome.....I just want to let you know that in here you are very loved and understood. So many of us have been in and stiil are in your shoes. There is never a need to feel alone. If you ever need someone to talk to or just someone who will give you just a listening ear please feel free to talk to me. I fully understand the issues you have to face and will have to face. I have found much support in here and I wish th esame for you.
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  Celtic

  My heart goes out to you. Ummmmmmm, another post that sounded very familiar by experience. Its been incredibly hard work getting this far, being intelligent, knowing that you couldn't appreciate the education system for what it is and sticking out like a sore social thumb at the same time. The emotional distress this causes many. We see ourselves as could have been over there, but were stuck over here, thanks to the Watchtower, nice one guys!!

  Good to see you here Razormind, you want to talk art anytime I'm ready to listen big time, you take care, balmpot.

  Celtic
  Cornwall UK
  www.can-online.org.uk
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  cellomould

  Thanks for posting your story razorMind,

  I too am skinny with an uncontrollable mane of frizzy hair.

  Just a bit of humour there. :-)

  Well, it's not that long, actually. I want to let it grow out; just a little mini-afro right now. It will be fun, as I have always had to wear my hair short for 'theocratic purposes'. And when I was younger I was always self-concious of my hair, which was neither 'black' nor 'white'. Time for me to get over that.

  Honestly, though, I related to your post in so many more ways!

  Right now I am 23 and have had the fortune of nearly completing my graduate studies. I made it most of the way through college 'unscathed' by 'wordly' philosophies.

  But for various reasons, quite recently I have experienced sweeping changes in my outlook. That I will save for sharing in a later post, as I am a newbie here too.

  I want to address one of your issues more fully:

  My biggest issue, the one that keeps me awake at night with fury, is the whole JW view on higher education. I basically feel that my whole life has been wasted. There are so many things I could've done & been. I'll probably never realize my dream of going to art school(so sad; many members of my extended family have strong artistic talents) go to another country, etc. etc.

  I know you must feel like so much has been wasted, but don't let that reasoning stop you. It's not very reasonable, anyhow. Do you have anything impeding you from travelling abroad, learning new languages, painting in new colors....?

  Probably only your regrets.

  Please don't listen to them. I know you may even be jealous of me right now because I am 23, the same age as you when you drifted away, but almost finished with my studies.

  But I have so many regrets too! I don't want to detract attention from what you said by enumerating, but believe me I do.

  Don't live based upon fear of regretting something later. Just live!

  (I know how hard that can be as I seldom take this advice. It is very difficult for me to adjust to my new paradigm. It happened so fast.)

  By the way, it is not so expensive to travel right now. Maybe going abroad to art school (to kill two birds with one stone) is not possible for you, but dip your toes in the water.

  You could even visit just one city if you have not much time or money. I would recommend Italy for starters. So many of the frescoes have been wonderfully restored recently.

  Check out the Vatican!

  I would really look forward to continuing this conversation, razorMind. I am sure you could point me in the right direction about a lot of things, too.

  Thank you so much for your story!

  cellomould

  "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
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  Flip

  I'll probably never realize my dream of going to art school

  Raz, I realize the necessity of exposing how the WTBTS negatively affects the lives of many innocent people, including your self, but you're in 'school' everyday because there's evidence of art in your writings.

  Perhaps replacing a defeatist attitude with a more positive outlook wouldn't hurt your cause of one day showcasing your talent even more effectively than here at JW.com.

  Flip
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  Celtic

  Come and help me build my hundertwasser and earthship homes. Come and get involved with giving us input towards creating an alternative arts community using sustainable craftsmanship. Please share your artistic ideas. Would love someone to talk with on artistic themes.

  www.trebahgarden.co.uk where I was born.

  The sort of thing that interests me: www.earthships.org

  www.stewardwood.org

  Peace

  Celtic
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  dmouse

  Welcome newbies.

  The reason the Society fear education is the fact that it gives you power. The power to think for yourself and drag yourself out of the grinding poverty, which leaves you dependent, both materially and emotionally, on the congregation.

  It is no coincidence that the society’s main gain nowadays is in countries with poor educational infrastructures.

  Education, and the freedom of thought that it brings, is the antithesis of everything that the GB stands for. They want you to be in ignorance. Ignorance is their friend, it keeps them in power.
  The only thing they want you to study is the crap that deepens your ignorance.

  But do not despair. I am forty years of age and am just finishing a four year degree at University.
  Like many on this board who have educated themselves once the shackles are off, you too should realise it is never to late to learn.

  Whatever your age, GET YOURSELF EDUCATED in some form of further education.

  You will NEVER regret it.
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  wonderwoman77

  Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you will enjoy the board. I understand your experience in high school, I was like that most of my high school career, but my senior year I decided that I had enough pretending to be this shy little girl, because that was not me at all. I found friends, had fun and it was great. I had already decided I was going to college no matter what the JW said. I had quit playing sports because they told me and that was my passion, so I made education my passion. I went to college, but within a month I decided I was never going back to the org.

  I hope one day you can go to college. There are ways. I hope you can find good counseling too. I went through 2 years in college. Good luck and welcome....
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  aarque

  I've been lurking here a while. I was raised a JW but faded away when in my twenties. I always wanted to to go to college, but other things came first, until I found myself in an operating room facing cancer. That was my wakeup call. Six months later, I registered at a local community college. It took nine years of part time classes, but I stuck with it and received my AA in 1996. It took another five years of studying and attending classes part time at the local university, but this past June I walked across the stage to receive my BA magna cum laude. Yes,at first there were times I felt as if I were doing something wrong; there were times I thought "the end" would be here before I finished. My mom, bless her heart, even though still a JW, encouraged me. My advice: Do it. Go to school. Working full time and taking classes part time is tough...I can tell you from first hand personal experience. Sure, it took me 14 years to do it. When I received my degree I was a month shy of my 48th birthday. But, I stuck with it. Don't let anything stand in your way of what you want to do. I always remember the words of Langston Hughes: Hold on to your dreams/For if dreams die/Life is a broken-winged bird/That cannot fly