Layin' some heavy stuff on ya'

by AK - Jeff 88 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jamiebowers

  Your situation is one where you have to expect the worst but hope for the best...just about impossible to do. Have you ever been able to determine the history of her birth parents? Doing so may provide some insight into the cause of her bahavior and possibly treatment for it. The pathological lying, sexual confusion, addictions, and craving for anarchy sounds like borderline personality disorder. Treatment usually includes intensive therapy, medication and round the clock supervision in a group home or assisted living, and even with all that, the patient is usually troubled and difficult. Usually the patient starts to mellow out by their mid twenties.

  Knowing the mental ilness background of your daughter and her birth parents may help you get a jump start on raising the grandchildren if they start to have problems. Good luck and God speed.
• 

  crazyblondeb

  Jeff,

  I am so sorry you are going thru all this. Your daughter needs alot of help. But there is hope....I was deep in the meth world, and have been clean from it for 7 years....It was the hardest thing I ever had to do....and even now....I think about it.

  Maybe now, she can get the help she needs....

  shell
• 

  palmtree67

  I just don't know what to say.

  I'm awed by your commitment to your children and granchildren, humbled by your example, saddened by your circumstances, hopeful for your future.

  You and your dear wife are in my prayers tonight.
• 

  Jadeen

  I agree with the other posters on this thread- you and your wife are angels for providing a stable family environment for your grandchildren.

  My mom was adopted by her grandparents and it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She told me that when she was a teenager she would say that old line, "You're not my parents, you can't tell me what to do!" But as she got older she realized that her real mom and dad were the people that loved her and raised her, not her biological parents that abandoned her.
• 

  Cadellin

  Jeff, you and your wife are truly good and noble people. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could help in some way. I'm a parent and I cannot imagine the torture of seeing your daughter deliberately self-destruct. But you are doing the right thing in caring for your grandchildren. I hope you can continue to cope. Blessings to you.
• 

  AK - Jeff

  Your situation is one where you have to expect the worst but hope for the best...just about impossible to do.

  We have been there for about 18 years already with this one. We only got to 'enjoy' her for about 12 before that. It was like the first estrogen shot into her brain and it was a different world.

  Jeff
• 

  AK - Jeff

  Jeff: Hope it's clear to you by now that none of this is your faullt.

  That's the hardest part. We know it, but still blame/guilt wants to creep in anyway. Seems like almost any response is counterproductive. Anger is of no value, but I fight it all the time - this person attempted to ruin my reputation, planned methods to kill me, laughed at our pain over all of it. Hard to maintain a proper understanding of this. I don't know if there is an appropriate emotional reaction. Yet we have run the gammut, and keep running that gammut at times.

  Thanx all.

  Jeff
• 

  shamus100

  Jeff,

  It was the drugs talking, not her. I've seen a family member go through that addiction before, and it sounds strangely familiar - threatening of lawsuits and all. When she was caught, and dried out, she became somewhat normal, although the long-term effects are still there.
• 

  Big Tex

  Damn Jeff, your email is my worst nightmare about my teenage daughter. She's given us hell the past couple of years and it's created quite a divide between Nina and I (she favors the Neville Chamberlain approach -- peace in our time and all that).

  I've laid awake many, many nights with my heart in my throat about my daughter. I'm sure you've had this conversation with yourself, you know they've got to lead their own life, you do what you can (or sometimes what they allow you to do), but it's a helluva big difference when it's your own child. This world is so scary and big and dangerous and their life can go wrong so easily.

  Damn damn damn Jeff I am so so sorry for you. I don't know you well but you seem to me to have a big heart. I know how I'd feel in your situation. I guess I'll tell you what I'd like to hear and that is -- You did your best given your knowledge, experience and finances; what's happened with her life is not your fault.

  I am focused on the kids. I am not sure how to tell them, or when. I don't think I will tell them for a long time. They have gotten used to never hearing from her, or knowing what she is up to. I will not hide the truth from them, but see no rush to discuss it at this time.

  I would recommend answering their questions. The younger the child, the more simple and direct the answer should be. When my kids were little, they asked about my parents (we haven't spoken in 20 years) and I would give a very simple answer -- I'm not talking to them. Sometimes they would want to know more, most of the time though they didn't. That little bit was all they wanted.

  But yeah, be honest whatever else you do. Kids have a high BS meter.

  Good luck man. After all you've been through you deserve to win the lottery or something to even things out.
• 

  Saoirse

  Jeff, I am so sorry for what you and your wife are going through.

  You and your wife did a wonderful & selfless thing by adopting your daughter and then giving a home to her children when she neglected them. I agree with the other posters, her extreme behavior - lying, manipulating, difficulty with accepting rules and authority, promiscuity, poor impulse control, lack of remorse, inability to love, etc - seems to indicate an anti-social personality disorder. That was probably simply something in her DNA and you have little to do with it. There is a good chance that your daughter experienced some neglect during her first 2 months. Studies have shown that neglecting a newborn can cause hormonal imbalances that leave them unable to form social & emotional bonds. The problem can persist even after being adopted into a loving home. That's not your fault.

  While being raised a JW isn't the ideal childhood, there is absolutely no reason for the child of loving JW parents to act in the manner that your daughter is. While some JW kids rebel, your daughter's actions are beyond simple teen or post-JW rebellion. The JW religion is not to blame for this. There is nothing wrong with setting rules for your child or teaching them a moral code. ANY decent parent would do the same. Please do not feel guilty for teaching your child those things. I am saddened (but not surprised) that you didn't get the support you needed from your cong.

  As much as it pains you, going to jail may end up being the best thing to happen to your daughter. Sometimes, people need to hit absolute rock-bottom to come to their senses. She will be away from the drugs and hopefully will be able to receive some counseling. There is always hope for your daughter. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No one is beyond the grace of God, no matter how far gone they may seem. Never give up hope. Keep praying for her, even when you're angry, even when it's difficult. I have found that when I'm angry or heart-broken by someone, praying for them actually has a calming effect on me. You would be helping both you and her by doing that.

  You and your wife sound like good people. You did everything you could. Focus on that and on your grandchildren. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless you all.