Please help!!

mamashel6

Hi everyone. I am brand new here and I am heartbroken looking for answers. I have been married for 18 yrs. Yes 18 years. When we first got together he told me that he WAS a JW. Then when we got married and i was pregnant with our son he said he wanted to start going back and that he was dissfellowshiped. I started going to the meetings with him (to make him happy) and after a while i was also baptized. We went for a bout 5 years and both of us left. We went back some time later to meet with the elders and they dissfellowshipped the both of us. Whatever!! But we have been away for many many years, and now he is attending all of the meetings again. The reason i am heartbroken, is because of all the research and studying I have done, I know this is not the place that I want to be. He is SOOOOOO sure that his way is right, it is causing us to fight every single day. He has threatened to take our 3 sons by the neck if they did not obey him and come to the meetings. I dont know what to do. My sons at home are 14, 16 and 18. We are so misserable having to listen to his preaching all the time. We were having alot of marital problems before, but we were trying to work things out. But I cant take it any more. I dont know what to do. My heart tells me that all things are possible with God, but I know he will not change his mind. He is one of those kind of JW's that try to rule with the "iron fist" so to speak, and its his way or the highway. We had a huge fight Sunday because it was my son and daughters birthday and i wanted to have a party for them. I did it, despite him giving me a really hard time about it. But I am 46 years old, and i seriously dont want to live the rest of my life unhappy. Any advice or help out there for me?

Thanks

Shelley

isaacaustin

Shelley,

Welcome and i am so sorry for your situation. I am married to a JW and we have 2 oyung kids. Thank God she is not a die-hard and we have each had to comprmise a bit. It is hard. His 'iron fist rule" is likely a symptom of his feeling guilty for 'leaving the truth"...this is common. If you would like to talk a bit on private messaging or here I could share more with you.

wantstoleave

((hugs)) Shelley!

I'm so sorry for your situation. There are a few others on the board in similar situations I think, hopefully they will reply and you can get to know them a little. I tend to agree with Isaac that it's your husbands guilt causing him to act this way. Hang in there...and I know you'll get some great advice from ones here :)

Borgia

Hi Shelly,

You position is not one to be envied and I'm sorry your hubby is putting you through this. The flip flop witnesses are the worst kind. Today they are all into JW, tomorrow they have something else on their mind and are again DF-ed for whatever reason. And every new time: this is the time to make it right.

What your hubby believes or not is not for you to say, as much as he has no control over what you believe or not. Living together means finding an overlap that both parties feel happy with. When this overlapped ground is limited due to change, you have the choice to either go along with the change or not.

There are some social studies around which deal with one partner becoming a JW, while the other is not and what kind of emotional issues are at play. Basically, it is the opposite of where one party decides to be a JW any longer. The emotional issues are the same with respect to the relationship.

Due to this change ... your overlap ground will change. It may even become clear to you that the overlap ground diminishes. The question is: will what is left be enough to keep you both happy. If it is not than take desive action. You both need a heart to heart yet rational analisys about both your situations, what you want out of the relationship and whether or not either one is ready to give that. Whatever answer is the result of this analisys, you know what to do. You can set objectives and a timeframe.

Cheers

Borgia

bluecanary

Welcome mamashel First, you need counseling. If you can convince your husband into couple's counseling, great. If not, go yourself.

Your primary focus here is your kids. Share with them what you've learned about the JWs teachings. They are getting closer to being out of the house and out of Dad's control. Help them prepare to make this transition (preferably into college). Keep on doing whatever you can to keep them involved in normal activities.

If I were in your shoes I would tell my husband that I respected his right to choose his religious beliefs. If he wanted to be a good JW I would accept that and support it. But I would not share in it. And I would point out how ridiculous it is to expect our children to conform to his strict religious beliefs when he's proven that he can't even make up his mind to keep living by them! I would let him know that I have as much right to train the kids in my beliefs, and that includes celebrating holidays. The kids can make up their own minds. They are the ones who have to live with their choice.

mouthy

Welcome Mammashell6

I too am so sorry to read your post. I think it would be a good thing
if you could get some counseling why not give a call to an ex JW
who is a counselor 1-800-WHY 1914 Marilyn is her name she may
be able to give some help (((((HUGS))))

yknot

I agree with couples counseling........ a counselor can help yall establish middle ground and compromise since you don't plan on getting reinstated.

Have you considered attending another church in your area and giving the kids a optional spiritual outlet to balance out their half attending with dad?

When he wants to preach, preach back at him in a cool non-confrontational manner with the reminder that yall are equal in having religious freedom.

I will PM you in a few minutes......(PMs are private messages you can open up by clicking on the envelope icon in the right hand corner next to your username)

Take a breath of fresh air, focus on the things that make you love your husband and desire a happy stable two parent home for the kiddos (and grandkiddos in the coming decade)

mamashel6

Thank you all for your input. I do keep my sons busy busy and busy. lol They all 3 play alot of sports, and we have lots of school offers for college. I am and so are my sons taking a stand at not going with him. I went a couple of times just to show support for him in what he was doing, but i honestly just dont have the stomach for it. Christ died to do away with the law, but they just dont have a clue about who he really is. It hurts me to see him so bound by this, but his entire family is JW, so once they all got him corned a few months ago, they got him back. I am trying to get him to give me the same respect that I give him in his meetings as I go back to church, but i know its not going to happen. And like I said there have been so many issues in our marriage, i really just want to end it. But he wont leave, because he says he has no scriptural reason to leave. We just moved into a house a month ago and I origianally took it because it was cheap enough for me to afford by myself if need be. So I guess i am trying to figure out if I should just go ahead and leave myself with my sons. Because they want to be with me. It is so hard after that many years together.

mamashel6

Yeah, i am going to get some counseling, and I am going to church with the boys, but he refuses any councelling except from the "brothers"

Barf!!!

yknot

Are these the Elders who DFd you?

Are they the type of Elders who really want or like counseling congregation members each week or bi-monthly about marital issues?

I have known some Elders who are more than happy to to agree to endorse secular counseling if you insist on see them each week like a regular counselor.

I sent the PM .......

Please help!!

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