So my elder/dad says he will shun me....i figured as much... (page 3)

oompa

Out at last.........no my wife does not have ANY "worldly" friends, and has made it very clear to two counselors that she is quite happy with her bruddahood and needs nothing else........i leave the house because anything at all "negative" (truthful) i may say on the phone would be quite offensive to her.....so i do it to keep the peace and show respect...........conversely it does not bother me to hear her mention anything jw on the phone........i get it........i used to think that way at least a little bit, even though i had many doubts most of my life....

good dubs do not have worldly friends.....period..........they also have very little room for give and take as they must stay in the tight mold they are crammed into by wtbs.........that is why marriage counseling is so ineffective for good jws.......they CAN"T move to common ground............oompa

dinah

Oompa asked:

did you know that i never exhibited number 1. and 2. until my big wake up about 4 years ago?

That is exactly right, Oompa. The waking up part causes #2 which can lead to number #1. Been there, got the t-shirt. In your case, I really feel if you can deal with #3 without #1, you'll be alright.

Your whole family being Witnesses is the main thing that makes it hard for you. You have left the doctrine behind. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who was/is agnostic and VERY supportive. I really think, Oompa, if you just grab that elephant by the trunk and deal with it you'll feel better after a VERY painful adjustment period.

babygirl30

I'm sorry you are going through this...the loss of my family (although dysfunctional) is tragic - as both parents have made the decision to choose what they are TOLD to do over their own child. But can't blame them! I used to believe the same thing not too long ago...that all ex-JWs are bad and to be ignored. SOOO inhumane. It's gonna be rough, as you already know, but the fact that you are seeing it clearly should make the transition a lot smoother. You are reasoning and making decisions about your beliefs BEFORE coming out. I wasn't given that opportunity (DF'd) so the reality of losing everyone hit hard.

carla

Common ground is possible if your ready for a war/battle in the process. What's good for the goose is good for the gander or vice versa. I have never allowed jw literature lying about in the house (didn't want the kids exposed) in turn I never leave apostate stuff around and do not leave up anti jw sites on the computer. I understand we have different circumstances Oompa, but you are not a jw anymore so...... and the house IS half yours..... If my jw left any jw literature out I would go find the most damning, disgusting, embarrassing, vile, (you get the idea) article, printout, or anit jw book and leave it out right next to the wt literature. In no time at all it became an unwritten/unspoken rule in our house- 'you don't leave your wt crap out and I won't leave any anti jw stuff out either'. If he mistakenly left something out and I put some ex jw thing out next to it and he quickly removed his offensive reading material I always made sure to remove mine immediately. Problem solved. I no longer have to have the wt in my eyesight 24/7 and he does not have to see pictures of jw family murder/suicides, pedophiles, kids who were sacrificed on the altar of the wt, C of C, etc...........

When all this first started he wanted jw's to come over. To MY house???!!! cold day in hell I can tell you! may be harder for you having family that are jw's but in my case I said sure, you want those people to come over fine, I will have apostates, wiccans, you name it I will find them and have them over too. Needless to say no jw's come here and no wiccans, apostates, etc.. either.

It is unpleasant for quite some time but eventually you come to a truce of sorts and can even find you can have fun again with them sometimes. Yes, it splits the marriage and essentially you live two seperate lives that meet somewhere in between. What it does do is keep the wt from becoming all ecompassing in your lives. Though the enormous pink elephant follows you wherever you go and always will while they are diehard jw's. Sometimes they will even skip out of meeting to spend time with family which leads to false hopes at first but they I came to understand that even he needed a break from the wt sometimes I guess. If he missed one meeting we would all get hopeful only to have those hopes dashed because it was really only one meeting and we had no idea of his real reason for skippping out but heck, one less meeting is one less meeting for that week.

Was it the June or July wt that said people shouldn't be treated badly for leaving their religion for another? I know they meant it was ok to leave other religions to join the wt cult but use it to your advantage. Repeat yourself if necessary. Repeat the scriptures about loving and shame them into at least being civil with you.

mouthy

((((((((((((((((((((OOMPA))))))))))))

Darling keep on keeping on. I know how difficult it is
to lose our loved ones, Mine listened to "MOTHER"(WT)
& have nothing to do with me for many,many years.
You know many on here love you,& are trusting you
will KNOW we all care ,most of us have been there
done that ,but when you realize that conditional love
isnt love ....Its a whip!!!! LOVE YA SWEETIE

OnTheWayOut

This is sad. I have a similar problem, but just with a single person- my mother. And in my case, it is not contemplating a radical life change to search for happiness. I just cannot speak my mind totally.

You have found a way to speak your mind to your dad, but you know you cannot keep doing that. I have found a way to speak my mind to my mother and I know I cannot keep doing that. I go on, Mom pretending everything is okay.

Let's try to think- what is the "happiness" you would find sailing away and disappearing? You would run out of money or supplies. You would be alone anyway. What do you really want? If you want a social life that includes your wife, family, others that know JW's don't have the truth, it's never going to happen. NEVER- until Mom, Dad, Wifey leave the WTS. So you really have to choose one or the other or live in the "separate" lives situation indefinitely. Leaving it all behind is something you have been avoiding. You really want those family members around you, otherwise you would have pulled the plug. You even wanted the JW's to make the decision for you, but they wouldn't DF you.

If choosing one or the other makes you miserable because of the damages it either does to you or to them, then my recommendation is to hang out in the limbo of the separate lives thing and wait to see what opportunities you have. I know it ain't the answer to end all answers, but to lose family members over the cult is just too over the top. Read Steve Hassan's RELEASING THE BONDS. Read David Reed's HOW TO RESCUE YOUR LOVED ONE FROM THE WATCHTOWER.

I had to ease up on replacing my special purpose in life with a new special purpose. The WTS gave us a special purpose to proclaim the good news, help people to gain everlasting life, and sell magazines. When I realized it was really about the "selling magazines" more than anything else, I replaced that special purpose with a new one to get my wife out of the cult. I admit that one didn't succeed, but I also had to let up on it because I needed to move on. But until I needed to move on, it gave me a focus. Maybe you can do that. Focus on what you CAN do instead of how life sucks. After a year or three of focus on rescuing your wife and loved ones, you will see other things in life to focus on- or maybe you will even have a measure of success. I would stay in contact with loved ones and not sail away to never-never land. Just my opinion on a tough life.

Scully

oompa,

Perhaps the best that you can hope for right now is to let your JW family know how much you love them, in spite of your differences in beliefs. (Although I find it quite harsh for your dad to ignore his "free pass" as an Elder™ to communicate with you.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k

Quirky1

When you wanna sail swing by and pick me up Oompa.... Or, better yet, I'll meet you there.

mouthy

Scully that is so appropriate (((HUG)))

Robdar

i tell him i hope he can find a way around this someday, since these guys in brooklyn who make the rules change crap all the time, and that their interpretation of the shunning policy could easily be wrong and certainly goes beyond what is written in bible anyway..........to no avail of course.........

I think you said the correct and only true thing that can be said in a situation like this. You remain his loving son and the decision to act like an ass is on him.

In my own experience, my (elder) dad's shunning lasted about a year and then I received a letter with an apology. I, of course, accepted the apology and we never went down that path again.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. When in doubt, choose life. Your father will get over it or not.

(((((Oompa)))))

So my elder/dad says he will shun me....i figured as much...

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