Four months have past since I made my first post here. It generated 9 pages of discussion- thanks to Renaai. I was called trevor by Ninja at one point.........hopefully it is apparent that I am not. I am reposting with comments because I want to show others embarking on leaving how quickly progress can be made. Lets see how things have changed, the original post is hightlighted.
Hi guys and gals,
I think I can say friends now
I am a hypocryte. Brought up in the "truth" but know its not. But I can't leave the congregation.
I had only very recently come to that realisation. I will give my full story one day.
If I leave I will lose all association with my family and friends. Even if I drift away I would gradually become an outcast, I couldn't cope with that. So maybe I am weak or just too frightened of what happens if I do leave.
I really was frightened. Everything I ever knew was tied into being a witness. I am now happy to leave it all behind, I still would prefer to fade but if I end up being DF'd I think I could cope now, even though it would mean losing my biggest client and a relationship with my mother and brother.
I love my wife but she is completely devout as are her family. My mother and brother are very zealous too. I have lifelong friends who I would do anything for, who are part of the fabric that makes me what I am. If they knew what I really felt, they would shun me, not because they are bad but because they "believe all things" as long as it comes from the Governing Body or its representatives on Earth.
My wife, was herself having doubts and can now see that the organisation is seriously flawed after reading CofC. Mother and Brother don't know anything about my fade, they live too far away. I know my Mother would disown and disinherit me if she even thought I was apostate. Earlier this year she told my kids that they should "love Jehovah more than mummy and daddy" I could have have shot her at that point but i managed to restrain myself!
My kids are being brought up as witnesses and I do a family study with them. But I encourage them to check everything out in a truly Academic way. I tell them that is what the Boreans did and so should they. I have also stressed that all Humans are imperfect and noone has the right to tell you what is right or wrong unless that can prove it from the bible. I don't want my kids to smoke, take drugs or be dishonest, so I am happy to instill some the principles taught by the org. But I also want them to do the things that will make them feel satisfied with life and don't want to feel that they will be destroyed if they don't conform to the decrees of a man made organisation.
We have stopped family worship, and my kids have only gone to a handful meetings in the last few months. Our son shares his birthday on our anniversary and we called his presents birthday presents. We won't be celebrating xmas this year but my aim is to do so in 2011. We will make a big thing of new years eve as it isn't so obvious as xmas. I still don't want my kids to smoke, take drugs or be dishonest, but I have learnt that these values are not unique to witnesses.
I have served as service overseer, pioneered and done everything you expect a model christain to do. It was seeing how elders really treated the flock, with total contempt, that made me question everything. I was castigated for trying to encourage "weak" ones in a non-judgemental way. I was considered soft because I really did do all I could to prevent my brothers being DF'd. I have seen grown men cry and then be cast out because others couldn't detect "true repentance". I have seen a Presiding Overseer (sorry Coordinator of Elders) run a congregation in a truly despotic way and the CO turn a blind eye to it. I have no respect for many of the Elders as they do not deserve any. There are others who are genuinely delightful people who do have the best interest of the congregation members at heart, but they are not heard amonst the voices of those who want to make a name for themselves.
I was a bit cagey in this first post, I was actually serving as an Elder and going to all the meetings, doing 14hrs + in FS. I have resigned as an Elder, reduced meeting attendance to about 3 a month and have not done any proper FS at all since this first post. My intention is to stop attending altogether after the next CO visit. I will be taking a holiday over the memorial week.
I have made contact and resumed a friendship with my best friend after 9 years since his being disfellowshipped. I have met with one person from this board and spoken to a couple of others all new friends are welcome to contact me.
It is essential that I remain anonymous, but I feel alone and need to speak to people who can relate to my experience, please don't judge me for being a hypocryte - welcome me into this community and I will respond with witty postings and any insights that I feel will be of interest. This had better be fun because if the org are right I only have a short period of time!!!!!!
My comments have opened up to some extent on this board and I am indebted to everyone here who has responded positively to my posts. I no longer feel hypocrytical, but a weight has been lifted. I still have a way to go but I dont intend going back, I have the courage to complete my fade. i am so pleased my wife has seen the light.
I still do not know how my beliefs will be replaced, I am pretty much agnostic at present. I do know that organised religion is never the answer.
I'm sorry if this post is a little self indulgent but I really wanted to check my progress and share my findings with you all.