I just saw the last thread started by highdose about her date with the nonWitness gentleman (and you have both my congratulations as well as best wishes). But then it occured to me as a single guy that I have had very little luck in the dating department since leaving the cult. I understand why, to a large degree, this can be a problem for folks after they have had their minds and social skills depleated. But I think a little advice could be helpful. Granted, I already know that I am somewhat of a picky person. I not only like the idea of someone physically attractive, but require they be intelligent. I refuse to invest my time in a moron. I want the company of someone who can have a conversation about philosopy and that is capable of understanding three syllable words. I understand that pickiness isnt terribly helpful, but I am and I understand that is my "problem." I also am not in a real hub of cultural activity. Very few people here would be comfortable taking a me, a Satanist, to meet their parents. I also understand that this is my "problem." But apart from those things that are my own doing, are there any pointers you can think of as far as getting out and meeting people? I realize my social skills were somewhat stunted, but I do not want to end up a lonely intellectual, as I have already been described by some. I'd much rather be an intellectual in good company. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
Relationships after "The Truth"
by Cthulhu 15 Replies latest jw friends
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zarco
A little humility might help.
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Cthulhu
I suppose that may have sounded a bit self-exaulted. In the few instances when I have taken anyone out for a drink or a bite to eat in the last few months I have been quite humble...and was put through agony doing so. The mindless chatter became nearly unbearable, and I can think of at least one time I seriously considered "going off to the bathroom," getting in the car, and letting her find her own way back home (though I didnt). As I said, I'm aware that I am a bit picky. I suppose the question could better have been asked if I mentioned that I'm not always sure HOW to start conversations with people I would like to invite out. Self-confidence is one of the first things the Witnesses shatter, and I'm not sure how to get over that.
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ColdRedRain
If you had a JW parent that sheltered you, here are the stages that your post JW relationships go through:
The girl/guy that takes your virginity. Usually a slick talking psychopathic parasitical floozie/manwhore.
The girl/guy after the first, since now you have a taste for the sugar, you want it some more.
Your second serious relationship, which is also sex based and short lived.
The second stage of whoring yourself out.
The third or 4th relationship. It's always sex based and short lived, but you also realize that you're repeating the same mistakes over and over again. This is the critical relationship right here. Some JWs go back to the religion, upon being utter failures in the non JW world of dating. Others seek professional help.
4 or 5th th relationship is also the watershed moment. It's somewhat sex based, but then you get picky about who you nail. You might fall for a good person or you might fall for another slick talking psychopath, except this psychopath pretends to be "nice". If you're going back in, the psychopath is going to be a JW that manipulates you by using the JW rules and by shaming you with your "checkered" past.
And finally, around the 5th or sixth relationship, you learn how to have a healthy relationship after seeking professional help, assuming you stay out of the dubs. If you stay in the dubs, you're still stuck in the 4/5 relationship stage until you kill yourself or you live in tolerable misery.
I learned my lesson around the 5th relationship and now I'm in a good relationship with a stable person. We've been together for about a year.
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ColdRedRain
Dull-eated!
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Satanus
Check out the pua sites.
S
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Cthulhu
Why, Satanus, do I think that your last suggestion of bringing conversation back around to Satan wouldn't work in my area? & what is a pua site?
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dgp
I think I can say a few things. I don't know much about you, so I will speculate a bit.
I think ColdRedRain could help you better, however.
I take it that you don't mean you're a "Satanist" in the true sense of the word. I suppose you're saying this to imply that people who are not witnesses think of you as a pecularly wicked person. If this is what you have in mind, NO, that is not what we would think when seeing you. So perhaps the first step would be to really gauge yourself in the dating area according to real rules.
I assume that you're a guy of average attractiveness. That counts a bit.
People want you to meet their parents when they are serious about you, and that takes some time in the real world. The girl has to get to know you first. So there's no meeting the parents at this moment. I am not sure if you're looking for the real deal, marriage. If you are, and you're, say, 22, chances are not many girls will want that at this time. Too young. They have careers to follow. They might marry you when they are 27, after their master's.
"Intelligent" is different than "philosopher". There are many smart girls out there who don't like to quote Heidegger. So, check whether your definition of "intelligent" is the good one.
I think you have to relax and give it time. Get to know people, become a people person, go out, et cetera. You will find someone.
I wouldn't hide the fact that you were a Jehovah's witness.
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Cthulhu
Thank you dgp. Many of your speculations were close, if not right on. Yes, I am a Satanist. Not "he's not a Witness, so he's evil." I enjoy that philosophy and see it as very useful to me as an individual. Thus, as I mentioned, in an area of little cultural flexibility, I feel that to many people this is a strike against me.
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the real life
Sorry, friend, but you're coming off as a jerk.
It may just be the way you are wording your frustration. I understand the importance of being able to have meaningful conversations. If you're not finding people who are able to do that, maybe you are looking in the wrong places. I think the best way to meet like-minded people is by getting involved in activities that matter to you - volunteering, taking a class, etc.
If you feel like someone is completely uninteresting or stupid, challenge yourself by trying to draw them out a bit. Try to find what is interesting about them. You can be an intellectual and still appreciate the perspective of people who don't categorize themselves that way. If you get better at believing that there's something unique and interesting in everybody, you still may not find the right person, but maybe you'll at least enjoy your dates.