I have always said to those that had questions about fading that they should expect to lose their friends. It seems that in the vast majority of cases, only family (and sometimes not even them) are willing to overlook JW-weakness and maintain relationships. If you do keep a friend of a JW, then they are potentially deep into JW-weakness. So here's my story of my friend.
I had this JW best friend for years. We originally worked together in the floor-scrubbing, janitorial type of work that JW's do. We worked at night and went out in the preaching work in the day. He pioneered and I didn't at the time, but we were the best of friends trying to support each other in "the truth." I became an elder and he was a bit of a wild surfer dude that, at the time, did not really qualify for position but was a very faithful pioneer, believing in the cause.
He moved away and despite his being a six-hour drive away, I continued to regularly visit him. I was the best man at his wedding. (I was already married when I met him, so he was not the Best Man at my wedding.) My wife and his wife accepted us as the best of friends and fully supported our visiting each other a few times a year. The wife and I would typically take a weekend here and there and visit him in the small town he lives in. He continued to pioneer along with his wife. I know virtually his entire family. His mother is still a faithful JW, but a very free-thinking person. All of his siblings have had rocky roads and some of them have "come back to Jehovah" after some problem that caused their DF, and many of them have not come back. But they all faced it, except for him- a steady faithful JW, a pillar in his congregation.
One day, out of the blue, he called me and asked about a judicial matter that took place. He had some weaknesses and was counseled a few times. Finally, he confessed some weaknesses to the elders and they DF'ed him for it. I was kind of shocked that he would come forward and they would DF him. He said that they told him he ignored counsel and even lied about the matter. (The only lie he told was when they asked "How's it going with your personal problem?" He answered "Fine.") I told him he needed to appeal the matter (as it was the day of the JC that he called me) and proceeded to tell him what they did wrong (in my opinion, but I am sure I was right). He listened and decided that it was going against Jehovah's arrangement to appeal this. He just wanted to take his "reproof" or "severe discipline" and start back on getting reinstated.
He did not appeal, he kept going to the meetings and was reinstated in about 6 months. I do think he had resentment for the elders in his small-town English cong. because shortly after his reinstatement, he moved to a foreign language cong. and learned that language after moving there.
When I first spoke to him about appealing, I told him that I would continue to talk to him and help him in any way I could. He said "NO, I want to get reinstated so let's just follow the rules." He phoned a couple of times in the next 6 months for advice and I gave it to him, but essentially we had no contact until his reinstatement. I was still pretty much a firm JW and an elder at the time, but I had already recognized that "this generation" was not coming to an end necessarily in my lifetime, so I had already viewed the JW rules differently. I had felt free to do as I saw fit instead of checking with WTS, and just not bother to tell the elders everything a person does. My friend knew that of me, and it seemed to be a common bond. I don't think he stayed quite the same over the years, though.
Fast forward quite a few years. He's an MS in his congregation (probably will make elder in a few years or so) and my wife contacted him when I first stopped attending the meetings altogether (as a fast fader). He has continued to call me and try to be a friend. I visited him once when my cross country drive with the wife took us near him. His calls initially were about how "the truth" did so much for him and how Satan warps everything outside of WTS and how he already completely investigated the possibility that WTS is wrong. I think he only read one outside book- THE KINGDOM OF THE CULTS. I tried to read that, but even though I might agree with the majority of what it says, I found it to be more of a handbook for religious intolerance than a book on identifying cults. It seemed very much MAINSTREAM vs. NON-MAINSTREAM in addressing Christianity. It was very heavy on how LDS were wrong because they disagreed with scholarly thought. Again, I can agree with the book, but still not care for it. I doubt it did much for a believing JW reading it.
Anyway, my JW best friend slowly came to the conclusion that he wasn't reaching me. He still continued to call ever so often, but his calls came to be of a very surface relationship. So I called him yesterday and asked him "What about the 800-pound gorilla in the room when we are talking?" I reminded him about my being willing to speak with him while he was disfellowshipped but how he wanted to follow the rules. "Am I free to discuss
the gorilla in the room, my contentions with WTS, or would that be some violation of the rules to you?"
His reply was that I was not DF'ed or DA'ed, so we can speak freely, BUT he has an obligation to stay spiritually clean and will no longer discuss "spiritual matters" with me as long as I am refraining from meetings and all things WT related. He said I am welcome in his home still. He said he would always be there for me. He said he would even be there for me if I were to become disfellowshipped. "OH, I wouldn't be able to have you in my home and we wouldn't be buddies like we are now, but if you were in trouble and disfellowshipped, I would be applying Christian principles and be there to help you."
So, I pushed a bit and got the answer I expected. He is still all about the rules. He is a friend, a very good friend who will bend the rules, but a very conditional friend who will not break them. Oh, I could still be good friends with him. But anyone who has read my stuff on here knows that I am bitter about WTS duping me and holding my wife and mother captive still. To know that my "best friend" cannot even hear the most basic of my thoughts and concerns about why I don't go to the Kingdom Hall is a bit much. And to consider that if I were in dire straits in some imagined future where I have been DF'ed, that I would think to call such a person, then that person doesn't really know me anymore. If I were a suicidal DF'ed "best friend," why would I want to call him so he could tell me that Jehovah understands and is ready to help me? I am just not about that anymore.
So, despite what he said, I am now mourning the loss of my best friend. He will make elder one day and feel compelled to have less contact with me.