Hello..new to the board, though I have lurked for a while. This is surprising because just a few months ago it would have been unthinkable. If some even thought that I hinted in this direction, ….I don’t even want to try and explain the repercussions. Maybe in the future I will tell more about myself, but for now this will have to do.
Lately I have come to a crossroads, being unhappy for a while, probably for much of my life. Born into the org. I like many had little if any choice in the matter. It was basically this way or no way, with other more firm measures to used to enforce this decree. Got baptized, at an age that I now know was probably too young to make this kind of decision (I can see how it would be wise to wait 30…even 40, when a person at least starts to know himself), but the path was expected, with no hint of wavering, from my earliest recollections. It was always ASSUMED that this was my path,…what other way was there? Can’t even remember my first talk or first door. Now going back to school to pursue degree (no need to elaborate), and very few know about even this, as I usually just say I’m taking a few classes for work.
I know that for many this sincerely is there life, no matter how miserable or unworthy they feel or how they might never meet expectations. I find true what I think JT related a few days ago about the “lady and her basket”, and so I am really in no mood to crush the hopes of others, though I myself disagree with much and the list is growing. A result of what some would call independent thinking. (I sort of disagree with the terminology though, because if one can’t think independently, can he be really thinking? Aren’t they the same? ) I won’t go into it here, but the contradictions and double standards are troubling, to say the least.
One dilemma is that there really is no way to exit gracefully, especially when one is born into it as a member of a well-known family. You can’t just unsign up. One cannot undertake a truly unbiased search for truth (with WT blinders off) without repercussions. I have not come to any decisions …yet, but suffice it to say that in making a decision to leave, I would be literally on my own. No family. No friends. Maybe this is just desserts for one who has through the eyes of the organization unwittingly looked at the world in such judgmental terms…result of conditioning. As I get older (and hopefully wiser) I feel foolish and ashamed at some of the thinking. I was sincere, but probably needed more regard for the human condition. Though some may believe differently, I got absolutely no joy or pleasure out of some things, especially when it came to the lives of others. After all, who am I?
I have appreciated the thoughts of many on this DB, as I have seen that I am not alone or isolated in many of my thoughts. I agree with many of the thoughts of many and can sympathize with others who have posted and have served or are serving in some capacity (use discernment) because I think we come from very similar perspectives.
FOR ANY JWs . You may not see it or believe it. But I think something is very wrong. As I look into the eyes of the friends, many are disheartened, disillusioned, and tired. And really all are victims. Even though we have always been taught that it would never be easy, I cannot help but think that in the light of Jesus words that his yoke would be light and that he would be a source of refreshment, that something has gotten lost in the translation.
An example was a part on the SM from the KM a few weeks ago about “counting our time wisely” in which the article spelled out the number of hours in a week, then subtracted the 8-10 hours or so needed for sleep and the 8 per day needed for work, and then proceeded to suggest ways in which we could use the rest for the ministry…. If this was meant to be encouraging, I’m not sure it accomplished this; (I believe many left asking: Will I ever really be able to do enough?) and though the line is always been, “do what you are able to according to you circumstances”, there is an undercurrent that says otherwise…that hints to the friends that love is conditional and directly related to how much is done….I will say again, many of the friends are tired and troubled. I am absolutely positive of this. I’m glad I was not assigned that part, because I’m not sure I could have made it through.
As I stated earlier, I am at a crossroads of sorts…but I think I really already know the inevitable. Though it would undoubtedly be hard for me…To live not being true to myself I think would be harder. And if I’m wrong, I wonder …if the NW will be may up of some of the same judgmental, narrow minded thinking…does it really hold appeal ? Sometimes I just want to leave (I know its strange, but you know the part in "forrest gump" where he goes on a mindless running thing back and forth across the country...and then one day, out of the blue, in the middle of the desert, with crowds behind him, supporting whatever they believe to be his "cause", he just decides it's time to stop...go home...and do something else); but then many times I feel myself wanting to help the friends, comfort them, knowing that many of them too (many with no choice in the matter) are just a cog in a wheel and find themselves also caught…powerless… but with no where else to go (gracefully anyway) as they have cut off all former associates and now would risk everything again.
Thanks all for listening. Hope I didn’t ramble. Don’t really know when I’ll post again…but just had to say a few things.