Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do?

stillAwitness

I've been "inactive"for four years now. I am quite proud of myself for making it this far since I moved out on my own at 22 for the first time. I've remained in school, try to live a balanced and productive life and still drive home to visit my parents at least once a month (they live 45 minutes outside of the city) Luckily, my parents and I still remain close (as much as a baptized inactive child and still fanatic JW parents are able to be) and besides my mom's constant pestering about me attending meetings again and coming back to the Troof, I haven't had to much stress from them or the elders. Come to think of it, the elders gave up on me a long time ago so I'm lucky on the end also.

But my mom did leave me this voicemail the other day and she sounded as if she was crying. She just kept going on about how she feels like her daughter is gone and she wishes she could have her back. I was on vacation at the time with my bf and his family for thanksgiving and it put me in such a sour mood. And it made me feel even worse that there was just no use in explaining it all to him. Like most non JW's, to them its all so confusing and they just don't get it.

I want to let my parents know how much I love them and want them in my life and be able to show them my apartment and maybe even take them out to see the city but is that even possible when you are inactive? I feel like there will always be that damn wall up keeping me from having a strong relationship with my mom and dad thanks to the Society, and it makes me so angry, sad and hopeless.

I can't be 100% honest and tell them I am never coming back to the Troof because then I would risk getting disfellowshipped, right? Its been so long I don't even remember all the rules to the game.

I'd like some advice on the best way to deal with this.

Thank you. I've been a member of this site all these years and to this day I still remember my username/ password by heart. Love you guys!

restrangled

Stilla...so good to hear from you! Sounds like you're doing great, good for you!

You can tell your family your not coming back but they always hold out "hope". Just let it go....no matter how you put it, they never will.

As they age the pressure eases.

Take care and I'm so glad you are doing well!

r.

Finally-Free

I can't be 100% honest and tell them I am never coming back to the Troof because then I would risk getting disfellowshipped, right? Its been so long I don't even remember all the rules to the game.

You're young and have a long life ahead of you with the potential for a lot of freedom or a lot of turmoil over this. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life playing that game? Or perhaps playing it for 20 years or more only to be faced with it again later? If you are never going back to the JWs they will find out sooner or later. That is inescapable. So is the risk of possible shunning. I suggest honesty. It's hard, but not as hard as walking on eggshells for your entire life.

W

flipper

STILLAWITNESS- Nice to hear from you ! I am in the same predicament as my parents have been in the witnesses since the 1950's . But Restrangled is right- it gets better the older your parents get. I've been out 6 years now ( inactive ) and they respect the fact that I don't go to meetings. I've never told them I'm NOT going back, but never told them I AM going back either. I don't think you have to go there.

For me, I just told them I have doubts that have troubled me and injustices I had seen that really concerned me - so I stopped going. Fortunately my mom is pretty real and not as cult mind controlled as other witnesses so I can talk to her about anything. Dad is an elder so I'm a bit more careful with him. The main thing I try to do is stay on non-witness topics with them, family issues, the latest movies, our jobs , etc . This seems to work good at keeping them talking about other things OTHER than Armageddon or the pretend paradise. LOL! Hope it works out for you, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

stillAwitness

restrangled! nice to hear from you too. my ol' stomping ground. Its nice to know I never have to feel alone in these sort of things and can visit the board for advice

That is where I am torn. A part of me feels I should be honest now and get it over with but my wording would have to be carefully selected so as not to sound like an apostate. Or I simply hope within time they ease up a bit which I think will happen. My mom has periods when she is just fed up with me and will pester me for days about attending a meeting and other times when she is just happy to see me.

I think spending more time with them will help. I feel I am at the point in my life where I want to know my parents on a deeper level. How they grew up, what were they like when they were my age. And yes, keeping topics off anything JW related is something I always aim to do. But sometimes I feel silly when my mom brings up something witness related and I just clam up and don't say anything. I feel she deserves some sort of response from me but I never give her one.

stillAwitness

and Finally-Free and flipper too! Wow, I'm gonna have to get internet in my apartment. I miss being on board.

Black Sheep

Could you tell them you are inactive and remind them that there is no rule against associating with inactive family members?

Make sure that they are aware that if they initiate your DFing or DAing by going to the Elders, that is their choice, and they will have to deal with the consequences of their choice. They chose to bring you up in this religion. It wasn't your choice. If they choose to shun you that is their choice, not yours.

Your choice is for them to shut up about it and get on with behaving like a normal family.

Do yourself a favour and refuse to discuss dogma.

Take the Awake! with the article about freedom of choice with you, or at least know which one it is. http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/175474 /1/Awake-July-2009

Good luck

Chris

jamiebowers

When your mom asks you questions about jw stuff, why don't you answer her the way you would if she was questioning about any other subject you would like to avoid? How about something like, "Mother I really don't want to talk about it." Try to change the subject, but if she continues, very firmly say, "I'm sorry, but if this is the only thing you want to talk about, I'm ending the conversation." You can get away with saying a lot of things if you use a firm but gentle tone.

willyloman

This is a Don't Ask, Don't Tell situation. The best response is: "I love you, mom!" That's what she really wants to hear.

OnTheWayOut

A part of me feels I should be honest now and get it over with ...

Get what over with? You are risking losing your parents to shunning if you are blunt, honest. Even tactful statements that clearly indicate you are never going back could trigger such a reaction. Your 2nd to last post here showed that you want to know them on a deeper level. My suggestion is to keep playing the game, no matter how difficult. The thing you might "get over with" could include Mom's questioning and could include ALL communication.

You don't lie. You just don't answer. My suggestion is to keep doing that, even if it is for the next 60 years. You can say you have some problems, things to work on, concerns, doubts- whatever you have already indicated to them. Don't bring it home clearer than that. Actions tell them and they can deny it in their minds if they want to. And you can keep some kind of relationship with them. It's not dishonest. It's a way to keep family. A line from Flipper I may use one day is "Whenever I speak freely about my feelings, I risk losing family." You can always say that if they say you are guarded.

My mother doesn't pressure me to go back. She compartmentalized the problem by treating my normally and never ever ever discussing JW stuff with me (I really WIN on that one.) If I pushed to discuss the stuff, she would have an internal conflict and might decide to shun me. (She has indicated that.) My mother is healthy mid-60's, so it could be 30 more years of that. I hope not, maybe she will come out as her health goes downhill in old age. But if not, I won't bother changing the situation. I never ever attend the meetings and I don't promise I will.

Do you ever actually tell your family you're not coming back? What do I do?

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