My 16 year old son is starting to see the light

by vivalavida 26 Replies latest jw experiences

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  vivalavida

  On March this year (2009) I DAd myself from the JWs. Of course, it was nice to finally feel free, real free, after over 40 years of mind control. I don't write much here but I feel this is worth sharing.

  One measure I took before leaving was to take my then 15 year old son for a walk and explain to him that things would be different from the JWs standpoint, but that I would always love him and that he could come to me at any time.

  One thing that was very hard for me, is the fact that I separated from my wife, with which I was having problems for a long time already. Of course, the belief that everything would be fixed in the New Order, when we were brought up to perfection, kept us together, but when that belief vanished in thin air there was absolutely no point of staying together. This, of course, caused a lot of grief and stress for my son. For almost 3 or 4 months after I separated from my wife, he wouldn't talk or call me. All the time I kept calling and texting him confirming my unconditional love to him.

  One of the things I mentioned on that walk was that it would come a point when the elders would tell him that he should not talk to me or have anything to do with me. That turned out to be a very good idea.

  Fast forward to october. He calls me and asks me for permission to go to a get together with a 'worldly' family with which he has a very good relationship. His mom wouldn't allow it. That was something he found wrong. He's allowed to go practically anywhere with witness families, but in this one case, just because it was a worldly family the answer was NO. So he came to me and I said YES, of course.

  So he went and in the end it came out and he was approached by the elders who, among other things, told him DO NOT TALK TO YOUR DAD, it is not wise and showed him a couple of Bible texts.

  That made him click and remember that conversation we had and he told me about it. After that we have had very interesting conversations about shunning and disfellowshipping. I'm really happy and hope that he's willing to open his mind and starts opening his mind and questioning things...

  Vivalavida
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  Black Sheep

  Good on you Viv. It is nice to hear you have made some progress.

  Too often we hear stories of our members trying to get their kids thinking after they have missed their best chances.

  Be careful though. Don't go throwing too much at him at once and scaring him off. Sometimes they are not as ready as we think.

  I have blown it with some of my family and made progress with others.

  I have learned not to tell my family anything, just to ask them questions.

  Cheers

  Chris
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  cantleave

  Excellent progress. Encourage your son to be a boreon and check everything he is learning, encourage him to use the internet and of course stay in education for as long as he can.
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  vivalavida

  Yes, that's something I was thinking about. Not too much, too fast.

  One thing I told him was that in every situation there are two sides. I used the example of a courtroom, there is an accusing lawyer and a defending lawyer and that for the truth to come out, BOTH sides have to be listened to. Apparently that is also on the back of his mind.

  On the other side, they managed to have him baptized in the last international convention here in germany. I found out 'after' the fact and now he understands why I was so mad. So I do need to find the point of balance.

  The good thing is that he's very assertive. He actually told the elders flat out that he could not do what they were asking from him (to shun me)

  Vivalavida
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  Black Sheep

  I told my (baptised, drifted, believing) son to make sure he teaches his kids how to think. He got that message ok. I had done that with him.

  What I hadn't taught him was not to 'compartmentalise'. I explained that to him. I explained that it is not ok to demand that your kids accept something just because you say so. Always be prepared to answer your kids honestly, and if you don't have an answer, or don't like the answer, that is your problem, not their problem.

  I am sure he got the message. I had taught my kids how to think using an Edward de Bono technique and he had been using more advanced de Bono techniques in his work, so he knew exactly where I was coming from. I am sure my grandkids will be safe from the bOrg.

  Cheers

  Chris
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  alanv

  Great story Viv. It is so hard when we leave and we still have family in. I made the mistake of bombarding my son with everything I new and he is still a witness today. As Black sheep says, take it slow at your son's speed. If he sees you still as a loving, helpful father he will come round completely I am sure. The trick is for him to realize himself and check everything he is told.
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  vivalavida

  Well, it seems that the elders are increasing the pressure on him, since he's now a baptized male, but it does look like it's backfiring on them.

  The whole thing with the 'worldly' family came about because there is a girl with whom, as he told me lastnight, he's in love with. Well, the thing is that he was again called by the elders because of this. They even had pictures of him and the girl in a social network similar to Facebook but only for school kids that is very popular in germany. His answer was, well, I love her.

  Of course, he's just 16 and this is his first love, so I have to play my cards very carefully. But the way things are going, I do see an opened door of opportunity, to borrow a JW expression...

  We'll see how the thing develops.

  Black Sheep - Yes I myself love also the De Bono thinking out of the box techniques. But I never thought about passing it to him, great idea. Thanks

  alanv - Sorry about your son. I'll try to do my best, but as stated, I have to be careful and not get overexcited.

  VLV
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  Black Sheep

  Here we go Viv.

  I gave my son this book for his kids.

  http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Your-Child-How-Think/dp/0140238301

  It contains fun exercises and techniques for parent and child that would make it extremely difficult for a kid to become a member of any cult unless the parent went to great lengths to teach them how to compartmentalise.

  I don't know if it is available in German.

  Cheers

  Chris
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  vivalavida

  Thanks mate, I just found it in german: Wie Kinder richtig denken lernen.

  I'll definitely be getting it soon.

  Cheers,

  VLV
• 

  lisavegas420

  I like the idea of just telling our kids the truth...., um..damn, once I really started investigating, I realized I was wrong about alot.

  lisa