I was disf'd a year ago - I have had such a hard few years to get through, some days are better than others. I was married to a very abusive and violent man for 10 years (who everyone thought was the perfect witness) - I was very young when i got married and was never very close to my parents. My parents never really thought much of my husband and I just always got on the best i could with what i was dealing with behind closed doors. He would manipulate every situation so that I ended up always feeling in the wrong when deep down I knew i'd done nothing. He was very clever at using words to hurt me and relished in his ability to make me feel insecure and young (he was older than me). Eventually after going on some business trips to the US and HongKong I realised I was able to get on with life without him, a friend at work helped me to leave him and we developed a wonderful relationship that has lasted ever since. I am so very happy now in my personal relationship and realise just how much I missed being married to such a hideous bully. The sad thing about all of this is that I lost my family and all my friends - although they all now realise what he was like and could empathise with why i left by choosing a new loving relationship ive lost everyone. I havent spoken or seen my family in 14 months and when i bump into ex friends that are still witnesses its incredibly upsetting and scary for me. Ive literally had to start a brand new life - make new friends etc. It has been very daunting and scary. I feel very angry as while we were going through our divorce I discovered that my husband of the time had starting dating a pioneer in a neighbouring hall but was keeping it a secret. I couldnt believe that he had managed to keep all his friends and keep a relationship a secret. We had been married for 10 yrs and he was genuinely devastated when i left him - he begged me to return and even went to anger management classes to try to help him be a better person. Once i filed for divorce he started dating - how upsetting??? I told the elders by email of this and they told me 'they would deal with it' - this was 4 months ago whats happened now??? The day our divorce was finalised he announced to everyone he was engaged!!! He got married 3 wks ago is still able to speak to everyone that i knew. My family found the whole thing so hard to deal with they decided to move away and as such i havent heard from them since. How can it be right that he can still see people but I suffer 10 yrs of abuse!!?? I was on the verge of suicide when I lived with him but this doesnt seem to matter?? To add insult to injury 2 of my older close friends have recently also been disf'd for leaving their husbands for very flimsy reasons (basically having blatent affairs because they were bored) now im not one to judge and i want them to be happy however their familys still speak to them and see them on a regular basis - this hurts me so much!! My father is an elder and my sis a reg pioneer which may make the situation worse however I feel very angry. My new partner is wonderful he has emailed my family and written to them about him so that they know i am with someone that will look after me. They have responded but have made it clear they do not want to meet, they have encouraged him to have a study and read the publications - but i find this all so unpersonal and cold. What do people think to my situation? Does anyone have any advice?
Family wont communicate - Disf
by w021809 11 Replies latest forum tech-support
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Emma
The organization is not "fair" never has been and never will be. There are double, triple sets of rules and everyone makes up their own to suit. You were so unfairly treated. You cannot change that nor can you influence how "they" will treat you in the future. What you do have the power to do is live an authentic life. It hurts like hell and the injustice can be unbearable, but you will get through it. You really don't need them. Just work on being happy and satisfied with your life.
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ziddina
Sweetheart, I am SO SORRY to hear that you're in so much pain... I am posting this so you'll know we're not ignoring you, then I'm going to go look up some past threads that might help you get thru this...
Please remember that YOU ARE PAST THE WORST OF IT!! You're out of the abusive marriage, your family is beginning to get a clue as to your ex's real nature, and you've got a wonderful, supportive person in your life right now...
Please don't spend TOO much time mourning the loss of time passed. You've been thru hell; anyone [not blinded by JW thinking] can see that, but you are REALLY OUT NOW...
Back in a bit... Zid
Here's a little something for you...
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VoidEater
How can it be right that he can still see people but I suffer 10 yrs of abuse!!??
It isn't. Life can be terribly unfair. We were all raised to think that everything is our own fault, especially those with abusive spouses or parents. It isn't out fault. As hard as it can be to accept, sometimes you just have to see life as the luck of draw, the random circumstances we're dealt, and realize our own ability to change our lives for the better - desite the brainwashing we've had.
What do people think to my situation? Does anyone have any advice?
Thank everything holy that you're free! Well, there's the remaining guilt and the distance with family - but trust in time to heal, both yourself and maybe even them. They're all still trapped in their nightmares of what Jehovah will do to them if they step out of line. You, on the other hand, have started taking steps in the life you've been given to create something positive.
Adivce? BE HAPPY. Appreciate what you now have every day. Hope for your family to have some small measure of joy and peace that is coming to you. Tell them how much in love and loved you are. Offer them the freedom you are starting to see for yourself.
Welcome.
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donny
As you may have read on some other posts from folks in similar situations. it does get better with time. I agree the manner in which the Society determines who can be fellowshipped with is not based on ones lifestyle, but based on their "status", i.e. disfellowshipped, reproved, etc.
For example, I know of two people who are treated very differently due to this status. One woman I know was disfellowshipped because, like you, she left her abusive husband, divorced him and began living a "worldly guy". This person is one of the nicest persons I know and she will do anything to help her fellow man that is within her means, yet she is treated by the Witnesses as "dead."
The second person is a woman who never got baptized, yet participated in the field service on a regular basis and in the past 3 years has been involved with drugs, prostitution, theft and a few other assorted issues. Yet because she never got dipped, Witnesses can still communicate with her without fear of reprisal. And many in the organization know this and use it and abuse it to their advantage.
So don't get to worked up on the idiosyncrasies of the Society’s operations, instead spend your time acquiring real friends and enjoying the relationship with your new partner.
Donny
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ziddina
Hi again... Just wanted to point out a few technical tips on how to use this site...
First, tho I can see why you chose "Forum-Related" and "TEchnical Support", this area is usually for computer or website problems that require a site programmer to fix...
Your 'Thread" - topic - probably would have been better served if you had posted it under "Friends" or "Personal Experiences..."
People can - and probably already have - send you "PM" s... Personal Messages. To retrieve them, 'click' on the little envelope icon in the upper right-hand area of the screen, its right between your screen name and "logout". When you get into the next screen, click on your messages. [caps for emphasis....] YOU WILL RECEIVE AN ERROR MESSAGE. THIS IS NORMAL...!! The system has a weird glitch - simply 'click' your 'back' arrow, click on that SAME Personal Message again, and the message will now be readable... Also, THE SYSTEM WILL NOT NOTIFY YOU WHEN YOU HAVE A Personal Message!!! [another glitch....]
OH! And you can also send PM's to whomever - just 'click' on their name to the left of whichever post you see. That should take you to their 'home' screen [sort-of a 'home' screen] where you can click "Send Message" - the farthest button to the right on the upper bar... If you want to get their attention quickly, you can post: "SuzyQ, you have a PM"...
New limits have been placed on post lengths, for both general posts AND PM's!!! If you have just painstakingly typed out a rather long post/pm, COPY THE FULL LENGTH OF IT BEFORE YOU POST! That way, if some of it 'disappears', you simply have to re-paste and trim that which WAS delivered/posted...
That's all I can think of for now... Still working on a list of threads... Zid
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yknot
My family is on the harsh side too.....my sister was DFd and kicked out in the middle of high school and pretty much left for dead (umm why I am a very very slow fader)
If you really really really want to have contact with your family you could always go back, get reinstated and be a 'weak' mostly inactive JW (make appearances at the Memorial, Post-Memorial Special Talk, DC ......maybe SPAD, CA if you pressed). You just have to discern the 'game'.... like attending all the meetings, creating folders each month showing proof of your studying and notes taken during the meeting, getting help from JWN Elders on what to write in your appeal letter (here is a link to the Elder's Manual "Pay Attention to Yourselves and All the Flock" http://www.4shared.com/file/62487460/676fa4ef/1991-Pay-Attention-Elders-Manu.html?s=1 )
I know it hurts, sucks and is a burden but on the upside you have your freedom. When you are ready you will learn about the WT history and realize the sham it has all been.......and grateful for your ejection from the flock.
Only you can discern your needs.
I am happy you have found us and assure you, you are among friends who understand all too well.....
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ziddina
Hi there! It's me again... Zid
Here's a fairly recent 'thread'/topic on dealing with the pain and rejection of being disfellowshipped...
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/experiences/185311/1/Dealing-with-Being-DFd
Whoops... You already found that one... Well, here are some more... Hope they help...
This one might help....??? Gritty discussion of some disfellowshipped JW's behavior and self-righteous attitudes... NOT aimed at you, btw...
Here's another thread started by a person experiencing the pain of being shunned...
I thought this was a really good thread!!! http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/38098/1/Would-the-WT-society-disfellowship-Jesus
Here's an older thread; sort of a 'worst-case' scenario regarding disfellowshipment...
Well, that's enuf reading material for now... Hang in there; you've come to a safe place [irregardless of the occasional 'flame war'...]
Zid
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jamiebowers
Your story is almost identical to mine with a few exceptions. First, my jw exhusband was crazy enough to be forcibly committed to psychiatric hospitals twice during our almost seven year marriage. Second, he had very weird sexual practices that he freely confessed to the elders. I was df'd 21 years ago for what I recently learned was adultery due to a false confession I made to my mom to get her off my back about returning to the cult. But the elders made it very clear to me months before that false confession that I would be df'd when I refused to remain in the marriage or stalk my dangerously mentally il, violent husband who was threatening to kill me in order to prove adultery on his part. Because I didn't want this maniac to have one iota of influence over my life any longer I offered to da, but the elders assured me that they would df me instead. I was so frightened of him that I refused to pursue spousal support or even my share of our home. I lost my family, friends, home and most possessions.
My mother has shunned me ever since, and yes, it is painful at times. But I realize that it is more important to be surrounded by people who really care about me. Being that our relatives are under cult mind control, they are not capable of seeking your best interests but instead are dangerous to you. The borg punishes people for unsubmissiveness to it, and that's why we are df'd and our exhusbands got away scott free. If you read the "Battered Lambs" section at silentlambs.org you will see that we are not alone.
If you're in the US or Canada or have international calling abilities, pm me for my phone number. Otherwise, we can email and Facebook each other. The WB&TS has caused needless suffering for many others like molested children and the sick and injured. It requires submission to the death. Do you really want to go back to that or associate with people, even family, who believe in it?
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palmtree67
I had to look twice at your story - I could've written it. Except I stayed for 23 years.
Yknkot offers you great advice. Good luck to you, I'll be watching for your posts!
