Greetings, all. Long-time occasional lurker, first-time poster. Cliffs Notes version: I'm thinking of DA'ing in order to shake my family up a bit, even though I haven't been involved with JWs in more than 10 years. Longer version: I was raised as a JW but never got baptized. My dad was an elder for most of my childhood. My mom was a pioneer before she had kids. I'm the oldest (32) of three kids. My middle sister was baptized, but ended up abruptly "fading away" six years ago and is married to a guy she met in college. My youngest sister (22) is baptized and lives at home. I was what you might call "bright" as a kid, and my parents definitely were nurturing of me early on. My mom taught me to read by the time I was 2, and I was giving talks by the age of 4. My folks allowed/encouraged me to enroll in the gifted and talented program in school, and I think they knew by the time I reached middle school that it would be best for me to have something beyond a HS education. However, this was encouraged of me so that I would be able to support myself and my family as we engaged in theocratic pursuits, and it was expected that I would commute to college, not go live away amidst all the scary worldly kids. Other than that, I would have to say that my folks were the typical domineering JW parents -- my mom had been born in and my dad started studying when he was in college, and they didn't have me until they had been together for more than 10 years. They took (and still take) it very seriously. I'm sure you have an idea what I mean, so I won't go into detail here. Suffice it to say that I'm still learning how to interact with "normal" people, having led a very sheltered life growing up. I began having doubts in high school, and by the time I was ready to go to college, I knew that I had to live away from home. Even though it was only 2 hours away and was an inexpensive, top-quality education, my parents weren't happy about this. They reached out to the local congregations and made sure that they knew I was around and needed to get to meetings. I'd go every couple of weeks or so, then gradually made excuses (exams, papers, illness, whatever) and maybe went once a semester by my senior year. By the time I moved to another state to take a position with a software company, I wasn't going at all. I'm now all the way across the country and haven't been inside a KH in more than 10 years. I've reached a point where I'm considering officially DA'ing myself, probably with a letter to my parents' congregation. Part of me wants to just live and let live, to not make waves and not do anything that might hurt my relationships with my parents and the youngest sister. But part of me will always have a JW mindset -- by that, I mean that I feel the need to speak out about the truth, which, in this case, is that I have no desire to do anything that might in any way condone or support the existence of a cultish, future-destroying "religion". I feel that by not "speaking up" and DA'ing myself, I'm a small part of a bigger problem. There's also the hope that my actions would provoke some serious introspection by my parents and cause them to question their own faith, although I realize that's not the likeliest outcome. A few relevant points -- I'm married and we have a 5 month-old daughter. We live on the west coast; they live on the east coast. We haven't seen them in 8 months and they haven't asked about coming to see us. We talk maybe once per month. My wife and I own a home and are well-off, so DA'ing wouldn't have any economic reprecussions. I have no other JW acquaintances, just a couple of other extended family members back east, so DA'ing wouldn't affect any of my other relationships. On the other hand, my folks have no non-JW friends and nothing to do with my middle sister. In a sense, my DA'ing would flip the whole concept of shunning on its head -- it'd be the remaining JWs, rather than the one leaving, who would suffer the consequences. Thoughts?
Faded 10 years ago, now considering DA'ing!
by NutFlush 25 Replies latest jw friends
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yesidid
Unfortunately if you are not baptized you cant DA.
You are not a member so you cant quit.
Sorry
yesidid
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digderidoo
Welcome to the forum.
Echoing what's been said you haven't been baptised so you have nothing to DA yourself from. Only baptised JW's get to disassociate themselves.
You may well still feel some sort of connection because of your upbringing and it may be wise to stick around and debunk the JW myth, but as for you officially DA'ing yourself, you have nothing to DA yourself from as you never officially joined by getting baptised.
Paul
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dozy
From a JW procedure point of view , as a body of elders , we got a similar letter from a young person who had never been a baptised JW but wanted to DA themselves. Some of the elders wanted to make a DA announcement , others were unsure. We took advice from the CO at his next visit who said that if the person was "known in the community" as a JW , even if they were never formally baptised , then an announcement could be made if we wanted to. (This was over a decade ago , so the procedure may have changed , and the CO may have been giving his own view.) As it was , due to the passage of time & the fact that hardly anyone in the congregation knew the person involved , we never bothered.
There's also the hope that my actions would provoke some serious introspection by my parents and cause them to question their own faith, although I realize that's not the likeliest outcome.
You do realise that any conversation with your parents may well cease , so any opportunity to drop hints or provide information would likely end. I thought that my own fading would have had some effect on my family & close friends , but very much the opposite has occurred - it seems to have strengthened them in their resolve. It certainly hasn't (to my knowledge) led them to examine their own beliefs or the history & doctrines of the WTBTS in even the slightest way. Cults are designed to be stronger when people leave and work on a "survival of the fittest" basis.
The decision is up to you , and I fully understand the desire for an element of "closure" but I really wouldn't bother. The downside would seem to be greater than any upside.
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OnTheWayOut
Welcome. Dozy makes a good comment about whether you can DA or not. Possibly, but let me ask you why you need to involve the congregation at all? If you want to make a statement to family to shake them up, then consider ways to address family directly.
I wish I had some magic statements that worked for me and I could pass them on to you. I don't. My mother and wife are still very much "in" the religion. I have a normal relationship with them but they don't discuss "spirituality" with me. I am baptized and I know that if I push it, my mother would stop speaking to me. So I don't push it.
Before I would do anything with the congregation, I would recognize that family might choose not to hear the details anyway. Your family might cut you off before you can explain any letter to the congregation to them. So write the letter directly to your family. A better suggestion would be to educate yourself about ways to help family before any new paths are taken. What I mean is, read up on helping people out of a dangerous mind-control cult. I typically recommend Steve Hassan's book, RELEASING THE BONDS. Personally, I think your situation allows you to have more input to your family if you don't "flip the whole concept."
I think I understand what you are saying. You feel that you have to say something, do something. You feel that you need to force family to recognize the DA and think about why you did it and consider whether it is right to shun you and your family. Every case is different so it is possible that you might succeed in some ways, but it is possible that you might come out of the frying pan and into the fire. Read that book before making any decisions.
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AdaMakawee
I don't understand why the need to DA in your case. Is it to bring closure for yourself? Or is it to stir up trouble with your folks? What does it accomplish, really? It will end the relationship you have (if any) with your folks. But I fail to see how it has any implications for other siblings. That is, provided that you can DA at all.
To DA is to play by their rules in a game they made up and they change the rules on a whim. Sounds like you have moved on with your life other than this final "dig" at them. Perhaps you should really think about what your motive is in this.
Ada
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lifelong humanist
NutFlush
An interesting first post - and a warm welcome to the board.
I can't think of any tangible benefit that you, or your JW family, could possibly derive were you even to be in a position to DA yourself (as other posters have commented, this is not an option for you to consider, as you never made the mistake of becoming a baptized JW).
Surely, the best good could come out of just striking up conversations with your JW relatives and expressing to them a bit more about the history of your doubts? That way, it might be possible to alert other loved ones to the dangers posed by the cult - a noble motive, but one that seldom achieves the desired effect. But who knows, you know your family and hearing your expressions might just be the tipping point for some of them to escape?
Steven Hassan's books are well worth close scrutiny - some of his suggestions could be skillfully woven into your family discussions.
Please be aware, though, that this could all go horribly wrong, your family may treat you as a DAd member, and you may never be able to interact with your family again! That might well be a price not worth paying just for some possible 'closure'.
Sometimes, the status quo is a fine place to be...good luck with whatever course you decide to take
lifelong humanist
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OnTheWayOut
To fully answer on whether you can disassociate or not, anyone can write a letter of disassociation. Anyone can disassociate themselves from any people or group whether the group considers them a member or not. They probably would not make an announcement in your case, it may not reach family at all through the public announcements. They would still probably tell them about it and make several new inquiries about you. Wouldn't it be easier to simply skip involving men who you would rather have out of your life?
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sir82
As others have noted, you can write any sort of letter to anyone you want, but teh elders won't make any sort of announcement to the congregation. You were never baptized - you were never a full member, so you can't "disassociate" per the WTS guidelines.
If you do put something in writing, it would merely cause your parents stress and likely damage your relationship with them. Why do that?
There is a cliche, "living well is the best revenge". As time goes on and you have a nice, normal, happy life, your parents will be forced to recognize that not everyone who "leaves the truth" becomes a drug-addled fornicating Satan-worshipper. That will likely "open their eyes" far more effectively than anything you could put to paper.
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undercover
You were raised in it but not baptized. You went away to college and rarely went to the Hall and now you haven't been in a KH in 10 years...
Don't take this personally, but outside of your immediate family, no one at the hall really remembers you or really cares. You never were really in, you left and never came back. You don't matter to them.
You say you want to shake your parents up? How is this irrational action going to do that? You've been lucky compared to a lot of other JWs who couldn't escape so easily. You've managed to never officially join, you've managed to get a college education and now you have a family of your own, without the JW influence. You're JW family lives on the other side of the country so you don't have intense pressure from them.
Technically, you're not a JW never having been baptized, so it's useless gesture. But doing it to 'shake up the parents' seems spiteful. Leave well enough alone and enjoy your life and let them enjoy theirs. Yea, they're wrong about the JWs being the one true religion, but it is their freedom and right to worship as they choose.
Sir82 mentioned one of my favorite cliched terms, "living well is the best revenge" but it is true. That hurts the JW cult more than anything. Your idea means nothing, will do nothing to the cult, espeicially when it won't be announced at any hall , but can and probably will cause hard feelings in your immediate family which can be avoided by letting sleeping dogs lie.