Now what?
I have expressed in this forum that sometimes I’m confused as to what will be my ultimate decision. At this point in my life there is too much at stake. First, my own emotional estate, I’ll hate to bitterly regret the years expend taking unnecessary emotional abuse and theocratic bulling. Leaving some good friends behind will definitively leave an empty space in my life. But what concerns me the most is the effect that my leaving the org. will have in my marriage life, I love that woman (my wife) I wouldn’t want to be the one to mess “things up”.
Where do I go with what I now know?
Could I keep a straight face when in casual conversations someone express to me word of praise for how “good” the GB is to us, how they provide “with meat in due season” at the proper time. Or when they criticize other religions for being oppressive, preaching lies, being joyful or when they mock catholic people for following the “pope”, etc. Will I be able to keep my mouth shot, or will I nod with neutral facial expressions hence becoming less of the man I really am?
Lately, in some of my parts I’ve been including more “Christians” concepts, words and spirit. For example, I began to use the word “grace” as replacement to “undeserved kindness”. When I take out the group I remind the “publishers” to seek for opportunities to show real love to the people in the territory, that placing a magazine is “ok”, but that if we see the opportunity to give food to a hungry person, a blanket to a homeless and a hug to a grieving individual we’ll also be pleasing and honoring God. And try to use their “preaching time” also in visiting the bro and sister that are in the hospitals, in a nursing home or sick at home. I encourage some of the young ones to seek a higher education if they have the opportunity to do so, I go as far as offering to help them in finding a school, apply for financial aid and pick a course of study. When the bro approach me showing concern for their “low preaching hours” I try to emphasize that sharing our faith with others is important, but that there is much more that defines a real Christian other than just going from door to door. Etc.
In other words, I seek for opportunities to provide encouragement and comfort to the flock as much as I can.
However, I know that others are deserving of the hard-core information. The real good stuff, those I’m directing by dropping hints, directing them to the Kingdom Proclaimer’s book…hey did you know that Russell believed that Jesus was enthroned in 1874 and not 1914… Oh, bro. Rutherful was so excited about the….he thought that the end was coming in 1925, that’s why he built beth sharim…etc, Oh yes that’s on the KP’s book, pg such and such. get my drift.
What does the future holds for me in this religion?
Sometimes I think I could deal with it. Again becoming a less committed JW appears to be the answer and it’s a very attractive option. But I’m aware that this will be difficult because it means that I’ll have to do certain things that at times will upset me.
The poster named “undercover” once said that us, members of the “conscious class” who are still in the religion, were captives and not hypocrites. Ever since I read this comment it has been a little easier to deal with certain things, in fact its even comforting because it means that as a captive person I can work from the inside to bring about liberation not just for me but for others. But also I feel less of a hypocrite towards the brotherhood because I see them now as victims, at different levels… but at the end captives of the WT.
My days as an elder are numbered, but my days as a witness are still uncertain.
What have I learned about me and people?
In the words of John Legend “we’re just ordinary people we don’t know which way to go”.
I was looking for God, the JW found me. I decided to believe in what they thought me, it was my responsibility to be like the Bereans Christians. The WT has over 100 years of experience selling “snake oil”, I was a believer who felt the that opium and the alcohol in the WT’s “snake oil” was doing good to me. I’ve learned that I’m not stupid, but that I was duped. I’ve learn that I have more integrity than what I thought, because I stock to my decision for a long time knowing that the WT was less than truthful. Also, I can not leave out that there were other events going on in my personal life that kept me in the religion. Talking about them here will increase the risk of someone - like the brother from bethel reading this, or you the curious lurker - finding out my real identity. In essence, I have learned more about the real me, what I really want and what I was lacking.
About people…I’ve learn that some were just like me. But many fear the responsibility of making decisions on their own, they fear freedom…in the word of Randy…some are better off left in the “cult”. So it is not my mission to take them out, but I can help in showing them the way…
I care about the people in the JW religion, I care about the sheep in the cong. Even if the day comes when they might turn their backs on me, shun me, and probably spit on my face and stone me to death…I won’t hold them responsible. In the words of R. Franz they are “captives of a concept” “victims of victims”. I have learned that there is a difference between real Christians and WT loyalists.
Where does my faith in God and Christianity stand now?
I’m a “reflective humanist Christian”, the bible says that God is love, therefore, love is my new religion. I believe in a Creator. I believe that there is more to life than this present life, but that believe should not stop me from living this life to the fullest, and from squeezing the juice out of this present life of mine.
I feel that its presumptuous to think that humans could have a complete understanding of the deepest things of God, then pack it, wrap it, put a labeled on it and call it the “Truth”. That is like putting Jehovah’s greatness and wisdom in a box. I’m not going to try to put theology in a box. I now have the freedom to get to know God a little better, gain my own individual understanding of his grace and love, after all its suppose to be a personal relationship. I have the mental freedom to grow spiritually and in faith in Him, not in man, not in organizations, not in theology, but in Him. It’s an endeavor worth the risk.
In conclusion…
The WT is just another company and its sole purpose is to survival. The GB have lost the real meaning of leadership through love, they are playing with peoples lives and will be held responsible for their action on the day that they take their stand in front of God as individuals. The rank and files are wearing out, only a few hardcore loyalists remain, the rest are just going with the flow… just fonti’n.
As for me,again I’ll need to cultivate patience and serenity. I could be resisting God’s grace; I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve been placed in this position. For good or for worse… I feel that God has a reason for keeping me in this mess me for so long. I’m still waiting for his call to action and I hope to hear it soon.
For what is worth, this is part of my story….and I’m sticking to it!!
Thanks for reading.