I find myself feeling angry. I'm starting to realize that the anger I feel at this religion seems to feed on itself. Soon, I will be tried for my 'crimes' by men who honestly don't believe themselves to be policemen. It's hard not to hate them. Sometimes...
I'm starting to think that it might be in my best interests to not go back to that place. Because I'm afraid that I'm angry enough to actually do something terrible. These people are just victims of victims, they don't understand. I was just like them once. Except...I was never really like them. That's why I could never live amongst them.
Despite giant blizzard heading towards us, wife is still making preparations for special assembly day, as if I intend to drive to said venue through two feet of snow in a vehicle that wouldn't survive 6 inches of snow. I'm just wondering, is she just naturally this insane, or is it the cult identity?
I found myself just wanting to ask her to leave, this morning. But she was in such a good mood. And I don't hate her. I just hate what this religion has done to us. It's not healthy, what they're putting us through. I don't understand how she's able to bury it, to still play those Kingdom Melodies as loud as possible in our home. To continue to swallow their poisonous propaganda. To accept whatever ill treatment they dole out. I reached a point where enough was enough, and I started thinking outside the box. I hated the answers I found, and...I hated life itself.
If this is where life is taking me, I don't want to go down that road. Maybe...I'll have to just act out in a way that forces my wife to leave, even if I have to fake it. It won't be hard to fake, after all. I feel like I'm gradually making her hate me, piece by piece. And the insane thing is, I've wanted her to even from the beginning. I wanted...one last abandonment, one last betrayal. Just to complete what was already a twisted framework.
When I believed in the organization, my ultimate goal was perfection--absolute control over all feelings. To never have to fear falling in love, to never feel anything for anyone ever again. To be so powerful that such desires would never affect me. I wanted to destroy even compassion. It seemed the only logical conclusion in order to keep balance over my life. I even believed it could be done. I never asked myself what would happen if I succeeded. I just knew I would be alone in the end, with nothing but my power to comfort me. I accepted that future as a good one. It had nothing to do with serving God, really. I never really wanted to work for the organization--it was always just a bunch of free labor they were getting out of me, even though they knew I wasn't qualified to do any of it, what with never making 10 hours a month and all.
I had the chance to be an MS, years ago, but I told the truth and copped out of it on account of bad habits I had. When my brother attained that status, I realized by then just how worthless it was to me. Going through a hierarchy, trapped in this infinite loop, working another part-time job for no pay at all, with no time for oneself or to have a family. Ironically, I did want a family, beneath it all. But I didn't believe it could ever happen. Now at least I know that real family does not exist in this religion. Family exists so far as you do what you're told. Otherwise...not happening.
It truly is a fulfillment of the Joker's words. "They accept you now, but when they don't...they'll cast you out. Like a leper. See, they're only as good as the world allows them to be. Their morals, their code...it's just a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these...civilized people? They'll eat each other."
Of course, it does seem that this religion is a joke and that I and many others just don't appreciate the punchline. ...
My timeline was a series of mistakes. I allowed a self-centered person to hover in my life and manipulate me. In order to escape said situation, I got involved with the person who is now my wife, knowing that I'd be returning to the very thing I wanted to escape. Failing to realize just how much she would demand of me and how much she would criticize me every second of every day. How unappreciated I would feel after keeping a roof over her head and food on her table. Home doesn't feel like home at all. It feels like I'm renting the place from her. My old bed became the kid's bed, yet the kid sleeps on our bed and there's no room for me. And when I try to sleep on my old bed, wife says to get out of her daughter's bed. Daughter did not pay for bed. Wife did not pay for bed. I paid for the bed. It is my bed. If you want daughter to sleep on it, then put her on it.
I don't care that much, you know? I can't complain about being shot in the foot if I'm the one holding the gun.
More than anything, I yearn for closeness with my wife. I miss when we weren't so involved in cult activities. Then, I really enjoyed her company. Now it's just...leave one job, go to another one.
When someone shows you that you're not a priority to them, it undermines your commitment to that relationship. I've seen that in my brief marriage already. Heck, I've seen that in my relationship with God. You expect me to die for you, but you haven't even given me any acknowledgement of who you really are. A book from thousands of years ago? That we're not even allowed to read and understand on our own? Right. I know it's a big universe and all, but surely if God exists, he can do better than that. At least give us an updated edition, something.
I learned helplessness from this religion, or perhaps it was just my personality. I certainly learned that I had little value, somewhere along the way. I thought I could reprogram myself, but this time there really is no turning back. Once you've seen it, you just can't ignore it. It's like...there is no comparison, really.
Does the hate ever go away? I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a soon-to-be "ex-JW". I want to be who I am. I want to be Christopher. That's who I am. It doesn't matter who knows it now, who I am. I'm already as good as DF'd. I've no need to hide behind a username anymore.
I've had moments where I've wanted to have a drink. I've never done that before, save that time the uncle spiked the punch, and that was only a sip. Heck, it would just be nice for someone, somewhere, to notice me for who I am, not for what religion I'm in, but for my personality, my talents, my abilities, my dreams. To see those things as beautiful and to see me as totally acceptable no matter what I believe. That would be more satisfying than drowning the problems in anything.
I accept myself now, even if I don't like myself all the time. Even if I hate myself, and I do, I at least understand why I am the way I am. I know I'm rambling. I also feel sad. Life has no meaning anymore. Are we really all just going to die after a few decades and just be another species passing through the history of one meaningless planet? If so, then why does it matter what we do? Why have a conscious mind only for the sake of knowing you're going to die? For the sake of loving, knowing you will lose the people you love, or they will betray you. Why do I need to know?
Enough with the existential crap. ... I just...I hope you folks are doing okay.
--Christopher