Funerals and Disfellowshipped Individuals

by lepermessiah 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  parakeet

  If there is ever a time when a shred of human dignity and compassion is deserved, it is at a funeral.

  Your thoughts about funerals are a reality for me. My father died on Monday, and his KH funeral service will be on Saturday. I left the dubs more than 30 years ago, and though never DAed or DFed, many shun me.

  There will be a viewing on Friday for family only, and that's when I will tell my JW mom that I will not attend the KH service on Saturday.

  On top of grieving for my father (which is bad enough), I'll have to deal with the hysterics of my dub relatives over my "heartless" behavior.

  Today is not a good day to be me.
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  WuzLovesDubs

  Parakeet hugs sweetheart. Im so sorry to hear about your loss...and on TOP of that the ignoramuses that will be going to his funeral and furthering your pain. I saw this crap first hand as well. As I have stated before, a JW died and his exjw widow stood up at the funeral home services after a Brother gave the infomercial about how much more superior JWs are....and as she stood to introduce the mans DAUGHTER who was going to read a poem she wrote for her Daddy...all the JWs in the place stood UP and walked OUT and went out in the hall and outside the windows laughing and talking and patting each other on the back for what they had just done.

  Assholes every last one of them.
• 

  EmptyInside

  Parakeet, I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

  And whenever I have attended a funeral and one of the relatives has been disfellowshipped, I always make a point of going up to them to express my condolences. It is the loving thing to do.
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  GLTirebiter

  Parakeet, I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot. I think you should talk to your Mom ASAP, don't wait until Friday. You don't want to catch her by surprise at a time like this, and you should make that decision together because he's both your father and your Mom's husband. If your Mom wants you to be there, needs you to be there, then you should be there with her. If she doesn't, then respect her wishes and avoid the Kingdom Hall. Also, consider talking to the staff at the funeral home and informing them about the situation before the viewing. They certainly will have dealt with "family problems" before, and know ways to discreetly maintain peace and dignity during the services.

  GLT
• 

  parakeet

  Thanks all for your support and sympathy.

  Tirebiter: If your Mom wants you to be there, needs you to be there, then you should be there with her.

  If I could bring myself to do it, I would. But my mother cut me off more than four months ago, telling me she didn't want to see me, which also forced the situation that my father couldn't see me either. He never dared to contradict her decisions, however unfair they were. So, because of my mother, I lost the last four months of my father's life. I'm finding it very hard to forgive her for that.

  I also had made a pledge to myself a long time ago that I would never again set foot in a KH. The thought of going there to be shunned by dubs when I need compassion, to listen to their hour-long advertisement for the WTS as my father's life is ignored, to sit still through the hypocrisy -- all of it is more than I can take. If it means the end of my relationship with my mom, so be it. It wasn't in very good shape anyway.

  I'll say goodbye to my father on Friday with my family around me. I'll tell my mother my decision about the Saturday service after the viewing. There's no one in the KH that can make anything better for me, and there's not one word they can say that would offer any comfort.

  lepermessiah, sorry about hijacking your thread. I meant my comments to serve as an illustration of the points you made.
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  MissingLink

  A couple years ago when we just started our fade, an "annointed" sister at our hall kicked it. Perhaps it's mean, but I can't say I'll miss that crazy bitch. Her teenage daughter was DF for kanoodling with a young man, and her mom totally shunned her and would say the most horrible things about her (calling her a slut in the KH). The daughter is a really nice girl and was friends with me and the Mrs.

  I went to the funeral for her sake since I knew nobody else would talk to her. After the burial everyone went to her dad's house (elder) for tea and snacks. I went there hoping to have a word with the daughter. Turns out her father wouldn't allow her in his house - on the day of her mother's funeral!! F'ed up stuff! When I heard that, it was time for me to go or else I would have had to say something rude to the man.
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  donuthole

  This is tragically common - I recently had an aunt pass away. Her disfellowshipped son was forced to deal with his grief alone; while he was allowed to attend the funeral, he was not permitted to attend the luncheon afterward.

  I questioned my JW dad about this - I remarked how Witness funerals were used as occasions to share their resurrection hope with non-JW's. I asked him what would make the biggest impression on an outsider that day, the funeral talk or the fact that the son of the deceased was harshly shunned and not permitted to share in the funeral activities. I know that other non-Witness family members were absolutely apalled by this treatment.
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  jamiebowers

  Parakeet, it sounds like you know what you need to do. Stick to your guns, and take care of you.
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  grewupjw1969

  Parakeet...I truly understand your pain. My Mother died four years ago. I was never baptized but did grow up around JW's. My dad is an elder. At the memorial service all I was told was how this was a good time for me to come back to Jehovah, how my mom would be happy to see me in the New World. This was not the time for that.
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  undercover

  If someone who had never had the pleasure pain of associating with JWs on a continual basis read some of these experiences, they would probably not believe what they're reading. They might think we were making shit up or at least exaggerating an isolated instance. Maybe we're just letting our sour grapes get the best of us or something.

  But anytime the subject of JWs, the DFd and funerals comes up, a slew of horror stories quickly follow. This indicates that we aren't making it up or making mountains out of molehills. We experienced these things first hand.

  While any group could have an isolated case of dumbassery associated with an event, the JWs excel in it. I too can relate stories from funerals that would make a normal person angry...and unfortunately, at least on one occassion, I was the dumbass following WT rules to the T. My lack of mercy, love and kindness while showing my righteous ass shook me to my core after that day was done. I knew that I was wrong and I had hurt people's feelings. While it was some time before I really started questioning doctrine, this may have been the very beginning of the end for me as a faithful cult follower. I was embarrassed that I was associated with a group that would treat people at their lowest in such a manner.