Everything feels broken

by Sapphy 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  Sapphy

  Hi All - beware, long post comming up!

  I've always been a person who 'needed to know'.

  As a born in I felt incredibly lucky that my parents and grandparents had found 'the truth' - no need to struggle to 'break free from babylon's bondage' for me! I was studious, loved the prophecy and revelation studies. I could do the 2520 calculation from 607 to 1914 before high school. I read all the bound volumes we had - I must have read every WT & AWAKE! printed since 1960.

  My awakening was gradual, the generation change in 1995 must have wobbled me a bit, even though I thought it didn't. I'd already bought into the old spiel that "the generation of 1914 will be no means pass away", and do you remember how some would refer to that scripture in Psalms about how "our years are 70, or special mightiness 80", so you let the Bible interpret itself, and Armageddon positively absolutely had to come by 1994. It seemed cynical to me to change the teaching then and I think that was my first real doubt in the god-directedness of the organisation.

  Anyway, long story short, I started reading around the subject, and definitely didn't limit myself to WT publications. About 5 years ago I finally realised I no longer believed in the unique body of doctrine belonging to JWs. However I still considered myself a Christian and thought I cold happily stay within the JW congregation. My beliefs at that point were probably Apostolic Creed-like - basic christianity with a JW flavour.

  But I didn't let up. I started reading Friedman and Ehrlman, Hitchins and Dawkins. Now, I've lost faith, and any use for faith. Doctrines like the ransom that I once viewed as a salvation belief, no longer makes any sense. It's weird but I don't even know if I believe in God for sure. How do I cope with going from being one of the few with 'the truth' to realising I 'know' nothing.

  So now I'm unhappily within the JW congregation, going through the motions for family & friends. But everything feels broken. I obviously can't confide in anyone for fear of apostacy charges. I now feel incredibly lost and alone & am so grateful for this site.

  How did you cope & resolve the big questions for yourself?
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  EmptyInside

  Hi Sapphy, just so you know you're not alone in what you're going through. I am in the same situation as you. But, I know talking with a others on this board has helped me. And just having outside interests and friends gets you out of that I'm in a crisis mode. Sorry I can't offer any more on the matter, because I am in the same boat.
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  Heaven

  For me, the real truth was spoken in Stephen Covey's '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' and 'First Things First'. Remove the religious aspects of 'God', a Supreme Being, and even Jesus Christ. How many countless others have spoken the same words of Love and Forgiveness? The Muslim prophet Muhammad, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., The Dalai Lama, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle to name a few.

  How do I cope with going from being one of the few with 'the truth' to realising I 'know' nothing.

  This is not a true statement. You know A LOT! First of all, you know that the WTS doctrines are false. You also know that above all else, Love and Forgiveness, the Golden Rule, are truth. You know these work. Our barometer, our measuring stick is examining everything against what Covey calls 'True North Principles'. These are principles that are constant, timeless, and always work no matter where you go in the world. If what you are presented with does not match up with True North, then they are false.

  It might be beneficial for you to take some time and actually write down what you do know. You might be surprised.
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  jamiebowers

  The largest part of getting an education is realiing how much you don't know what you don't know. Wisdom is accepting it.
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  agonus

  Exactly. The first step to knowledge is acknowledging how little you really know in the big scheme of things. This is a sign of humility. Realizing that, compared to the Almighty God of the Universe, You Don't Know SHIT, is not only very humbling, it is very cathartic - and a step towards coping in a big way. You begin to understand that the more the WT puts emphasis on their claim to be the sole spokesman of the almighty Creator, the more they fail that Creator by diminishing him/her/it by putting God in exclusively human terms and therefore limiting God. You think you're one of the priviliged few who know The Truth? Christ, how much more arrogant can you possibly get?! What kind of elitist prick would God be in that case? If you believe (as do I) that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and all-pervasive in wisdom, then there cannot be a single aspect of human existence that does not somehow glorify that God and highlight that God's wisdom.
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  cyberjesus

  Sapphy:

  I went through the same not long ago. The most difficult was to realize that most of the beliefs I had were all based on lies. However the thought that knowing the truth about "the truth" was better than not knowing it.

  Its like being born again. you must relearn everything. Challenging but very exciting. you can actually live without guilty of sinning. you can form your new set of beliefs this time based on accurate knowledge rather than fantasy and other stories.
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  nugget

  Sapphy,

  It is hard when you realise how much time has been invested in a lie but their is hope. Like you I was broken when I realised everything I had accepted as truth was a lie. It feels like the ground has moved under your feet it is unsettling. Everytime you look for a point of stability you come back to the thought is this really true or am I accepting this because JWs have told me this? Reading, researching and investigating are all good things. There is no rush to come to a decision about what you believe. After all much harm is being done by people who are rigid in their belief systems.

  The way I look at it is, if there is a God he will give me the time I need to work it out and won't judge me for it. If there is no god then I am free to believe what I will and being informed is the best protection.

  Staying in to please others is a hard road, once you are awake it is difficult to be accepting. It can be quite exhausting. Keep with it.
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  teel

  Indeed you are not alone, I am in a somewhat similar situation, except I don't go through the motions any more, but I feel your loneliness. I like EmptyInside's advice, probably my biggest help was this board, to know that I'm not alone at all, even though hundreds of miles might separate us, but there's a big group of people who know that the JW's are plain wrong. It gives a comfort of mind that it's not you who's lost your mind, it's them.

  The best were if you find a friend outside, even better if it's also a still JW doubting one. Keep your eyes open, you can never know if that 'brother/sister' you're on field service with has also serious doubts.
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  cantleave

  Hi Sapphy,

  I fully understand where you are coming from. It's hard work trying to walk a tightrope just to please others. At some point you will probably fall off and you need to be ready for that eventuality.

  I am coping because my wife and some other family members are going through the same process and I know that there will be support if I have to DA. If I was in your position I would be frantically trying to create a network of friends outside of the organisation, work colleagues, old school friends, exJW's in your area or from this site - whoever. Start talking to these people about where you are and how you feel. This will help you whilst you are developing a new belief system.

  Don't expect a sudden revelation, a paradigm shift doesn't normally come in a "I've seen the light" scenario. It takes time and will be an evolution not a revolution.

  You are going through an exciting time as well an uncertain time, try to enjoy it and use it to help become a better as well as a different person.

  Good Luck CL
• 

  shopaholic

  Sapphy,

  Many on this board know what you are going through. One thing I know for sure is that life is too short and too precious to toss away on a religion that you no longer believe is the truth. It can be very difficult starting over but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I recommend that you start rebuilding a life for yourself outside of the JWs. You will soon realize from a practical standpoint how many of the teachings are skewed or completely false. Plus it becomes easier to leave the religion.

  You never know, your friends and family may be more understanding than you think, or maybe not. But there is a whole world of people that are ready and willing to accept you just as you are with no strings attached.

  Many wishes of peace and courage on your journey...